The Last Day
by Cyndi
Summary: Sesshoumaru, fatally ill, chooses to die with dignity rather than waste away. Rin tells the story as she stands loyally by him all the way to the last day of his life.
1. My Lord's Strange Behavior

Author note: I've always wanted to write something on the same caliber as _Live_ by Universe or _Flowers on the Moon_ by Trouble in Shangri-La, and I think this will be the one. 

I'm new to writing Inuyasha. My main fandom is DBZ. However, the relationship between Rin and Sesshoumaru captured my interest and I just had to write something around them. Rin appears to have high functioning autism, so my writing will reflect this throughout the fic. 

Sesshoumaru is soooooo much harder to write than Piccolo. I hope I did him justice. 

WARNINGS: Sexual situations, violence and bad language. 

o 

_Now that I am grown_   
_Everything's changed_   
_I'll never be the same_   
_Because of you_. 

Madonna, "Nothing Really Matters" o 

**The Last Day**   
**Chapter one**   
**"My Lord's Strange Behavior."**

o 

Soft strands of silver hair fell in glistening waves across my hands. I hummed softly as I drew a brush through its endless length. There are never tangles after a long day, but I love to brush it anyway. 

"Eight summers since we first met," said my Lord. His soft, soothing voice did not interrupt the peace in the room. I forced myself to attention. Lord Sesshoumaru only spoke when he had something important to say. He looked over his shoulder at me, giving me a lovely view of his stripes and one amber eye. "The years have changed your body, yet your mind remains so utterly innocent. How is it that life refuses to taint you as it has so many others?" 

I placed his brush by the comb and nudged it until they were perfectly aligned. "I don't know, my Lord." 

"Hn." 

He folded his obi over the form holding his armor and extended his right arm. This prompted me to reach over his shoulders. He stood up and both his inner and outer kimono slid off into my grasp. The moon shone on his bare alabaster skin. He removed his boots and hakama himself, but handed the discarded garments to me. This left him dressed in nothing more than a white fundoshi. He soon shed that as well. 

I draped his clothes over the armor form. I had to force myself not to rub the precious silk against my cheek. I can't decide which I like more - his hair or his clothing? Both are equally beautiful. 

Lord Sesshoumaru presented his hand to me. I promptly filed his sharp nails with a roughened stone and checked his palm for calluses. When I found one, I rubbed it smooth and settled his hand in a bowl of mineral water. He seated himself and extended his feet towards me. 

"Are your feet tender tonight, my Lord?" I asked when I unwrapped the long cotton cloths that protected him from his abrasive boots. Out of politeness for his nudity, I kept my head down while filing his toenails. 

"Only a little," was his casual reply. 

I massaged his feet without prompting. Secretly...I think he has me care for his feet because he thinks they smell offensive. He always seems embarrassed by it, but he would never admit it openly. My human nose is not as powerful as his, so my senses aren't so easily offended. I have never caught even a hint of this foot trouble he claims to have, though I do sprinkle incense powder in his boots and bathe his feet in perfumed oils to satisfy his sensitive nose. 

Neither of us spoke after I finished the foot massage. I had learned that sometimes my endless chatter wore on people - especially Lord Sesshoumaru. Over time I learned to shift this outward talk inward, and thus I talk to myself inside my mind. I can go on any adventure I want. All it takes is a thought. My favorite daydream is, and always will be, what my dear Lord's smile must look like. So far, I haven't seen it. My Lord rarely changes his expression. He always appears sad about something. I find that searching his eyes is impossible. They show nothing, betray nothing. But his lips...they often tell what others never see. They twist, scrunch, pucker, tighten and curl down. Sometimes they pull away from his fangs, but only when he is really angry. 

Lord Sesshoumaru settled back on his futon. He kept the blanket pulled up to his chest. The moonlight shone beautifully on him, especially his endless hair. I faced away and folded his silk clothes in careful squares, taking care that they did not wrinkle. Then I lined them up in the exact order in which they should be washed in the morning. I refused to cease adjusting them until the folded squares were the same size and perfectly neat. 

"Rin." 

I turned at his voice, "Yes, my Lord?" 

"Undress," he said. I noticed his eyes were darker than usual. "and come lie beside me." 

"Lord Sesshoumaru..." I protested, "you said I should never let anyone, especially other men, see me undressed." 

"But this Sesshoumaru is not any other man." He breathed differently than before. The last time I remember him breathing that way was after a fight. Perhaps he was ill? 

My hands moved to my obi. Still, I hesitated. It wasn't like him to make such an odd request of me. 

"You will not be punished," whispered Lord Sesshoumaru. 

Fearing I would be reprimanded for not complying, I slid off my obi and let my heavy kimono fall at my feet. My underclothes followed. I crossed my arms over my naked breasts and shivered in the night air. My Lord gestured for me. I obeyed without further question. The warmth of his body and futon enveloped me. He was naked. He always slept naked. But never had I been more aware of his nakedness than that night. 

I watched his golden eyes stare at me in the moonlight. "You need not be shy." 

"I'm sorry, my Lord..." 

"Shh." Lord Sesshoumaru silenced me by kissing my mouth. 

I have kissed my Lord many times. Small, chaste kisses on the cheeks and hand. Such gestures were often met with indifference or a raised eyebrow. This was different. He held his lips to mine for a long time. My heart began beating quicker and quicker until I feared it would escape my breast. I remember how soft his mouth felt. No flower or fabric will ever compare. 

He placed his hand lightly on my cheek. His overpowering eyes searched my face. I found it easier to withstand his stare if I focused on his moon. His face stayed unreadable, even his lips remained a soft line. 

"My Lord? Have I offended you?" 

"No." His eyes shimmered. "Do as I do." 

I nodded and placed my hand against his face, cupping his smooth cheek. He came forward to kiss me again. This time I mirrored him. We opened our mouths at the same time. Our tongues touched. It...felt very wet and smooth like a raw, live fish. I closed my lips and drew back. I was afraid to tell him I did not like that. 

Lord Sesshoumaru silenced my worry by touching his lips all across my cheeks. I felt his hand move to my breast. It created strange sensations. He rubbed my teat in a way that made me feel different inside. I liked it. 

"Ohhh, touch me like that again!" I said to him. 

And he did. My Lord even caressed me with his mouth. This time I did not mind his tongue. His tongue was even more wonderful than his fingers. I began to breathe heavily. When I thought I could not feel any more amazing, he lifted his head. His hair fell in beautiful waves around his shoulders. "Rin, you will feel pain in a moment, but it will not harm you." 

Before I could ask, he had pressed something firm and slippery against the very place where my body ached. I was stretching around him. There was pressure. Burning, ooh, it burned terribly! His pale face blurred. The painful stretching went on forever. 

Suddenly, he was embedded in the same place from which my menses escape. We lay closer than I have ever laid with anyone. He lapped away my tears and I felt his heart beat deep inside me. 

"Embrace me," said Lord Sesshoumaru. His voice made my ear tingle. 

I did as he asked, but inwardly I questioned him. Normally my Lord never requested such an unnecessary gesture. He rested his chest against mine. Beneath the sheets, his body moved in a way that made me feel strange inside. I felt intense stretching and heat. I was burning hotter as his movements quickened. I could not name the new sensations awakening within my body. There wasn't enough air in the world. 

I lay there with my arms around my Lord...I did not understand what he was doing or why it felt so good...and I did not want him to stop. 

Lord Sesshoumaru breathed even faster. Hot breath roared over my ear. He buried his nose in my hair. I stared out the window and wrapped my legs around his moving hips. His spider's thread hair gleamed on my left. I rubbed my cheek against his pointed ear, my mind drifting. 

This tingling feeling gained strength. Soon, it became unbearable. 

"My Lord," I gasped, "I feel so strange!" 

"It is...all right...don't fear it..." his voice trembled. He made a fierce face, and growled in what I thought was pain. In the darkness I saw his eyes glow faintly red and felt his heart beat even stronger within me. 

The fireball within me burst. My stomach felt itchy inside, and this prickly feeling spread all over. Invisible lightning struck my arms and legs. My body stiffened and I began to make the same sighing noises Lord Sesshoumaru did. It felt so...so good! I saw stars. The moon outside formed a crescent like the image on my Lord's brow. 

These sounds pleased my Lord. He sniffed my hair and continued moving until the last quiver left me. Then we pressed our mouths together. Soft, gentle kisses in the dark. 

I kissed his moon and ran my fingers through his lovely hair. It snagged. I gasped, "My Lord! I have caused your hair to tangle! Forgive me, let me brush - " 

"Rin, shhh." Lord Sesshoumaru silenced me. He curled up on his side and held me to his chest with his single arm. His left arm still ended in a stump. Losing it must have been the most painful experience of his life. As painful as the stretching he did to me. 

I can not remember ever hearing Lord Sesshoumaru's heartbeat. I did that night. I lay there for hours, just listening to the soft thump-thump. His strong chest rose and felt under my cheek. The only other time I saw him asleep was the day I found him wounded in the woods. 

...he is so beautiful. 

I dared not move for fear of disturbing his dreams. 

That night, I slept in my Lord's embrace...and it was wonderful. 

o 

I woke the next morning to find the bed empty. Splashing sounds in the bathing pit told me exactly where to find Lord Sesshoumaru. I quickly dressed myself and hurried to retrieve fresh foot cloths and sprinkle incense powder in his boots. Then I rushed to lay out clean clothes, choosing the blue and white print since he wore the red yesterday. 

My Lord emerged just as I filled a basin for his morning foot soak. His hair was wet and hung in silver ropes against his cotton bathing yukata. He stepped right into the basin without comment, but gave the clothes I laid out for him a cursory glance. 

"Good morning!" I chirped, while inside I was dying to ask about last night. Yet the small, frightened part of me forced me to remain silent. 

He nodded and presented his silver mane to me. I noticed he seemed mildly agitated this morning. Why, I didn't know. Perhaps one of his servants scrubbed his back too hard, he always loathed that. 

_What could have upset my Lord this much?_ I bit my lip and began drawing the comb gently through his hair. The wet strands were tangled and stuck together, forcing me to place a hand on his head to avoid pulling too hard. "My Lord, what troubles you? Is it something I've done?" 

"No." 

Just as I expected, his reply was short, to the point and told me nothing about the cause of his displeasure. "May I...uh...inquire as to why my Lord is displeased this morning?" 

Lord Sesshoumaru straightened abruptly. He spoke, his tone a little less cold, "It is nothing you have done, Rin." His head turned and I saw a hint of his stripes, "Finish here and send my morning tea into the study. There is much I need to do." 

There never seemed a proper moment to ask him about last night. It was frustrating. My concerns always paled in comparison to his duties. 

I draped the lovely kimono and hakama around Lord Sesshoumaru's frame. He seated himself and waited patiently while I wrapped his feet and slipped on his boots. As always I made sure the hakama material billowed evenly around both legs. I noticed my Lord watched me intently the entire time, his eyes boring across my body like burning amber coals. They carried the sun's intensity and I could only meet them briefly before their power made me look away, fearing his gaze alone would cleave my soul in two. 

I forced myself to break the awkward silence. "Shall I help you into your armor?" 

"No," he answered, his eyes drifting to the window. The agitation in his tone dissipated. "The snow has been gone a week...spring is almost here." 

For a moment I thought I saw wistfulness flash across his expressionless face. I smiled brightly when he mentioned spring - tending to my Lord's garden is one of my favorite chores! 

"Your garden will bloom anew." 

"Yes...there is always something strangely fulfilling about watching something bloom," my Lord's eyes moved back to me as he said this. They had that strange darkness in them again. He frowned and stood abruptly, his voice hardening, "Send my morning tea in as I ordered before. I want no further disturbances afterward." 

Lord Sesshoumaru appeared in conflict with his emotions. Angry about something, but what? I hope I didn't offend him last night when he pressed his body to mine. 

He slipped past me and padded down the hall. The burning question in my throat remained unanswered. 

I spent all day in the garden after that. I love searching for the first flowers, but none are blooming yet. It is as if the world itself is awakening after a long sleep. 

Lord Sesshoumaru remained locked in his study without coming out once. The supper I placed at his door stood untouched long after sunset. I dared to crack the fusama and saw him staring fiercely at a sheet of parchment on which he wrote with careful passes of his inked brush. A candle flickered on the floor beside him, and his form cast a large shadow on the shoji screen at his right. Then his nose twitched, causing me to push the door shut. I planned a silent escape route down the hall and at my left. 

"Rin," My Lord's voice called softly. 

My lips were dry. I opened the door. "Yes, my Lord?" 

"I know you don't yet understand what we did last night." He placed the brush on the table and faced me. "We must repeat it tonight." His fangs gleamed between his lips. "In time, I will explain everything." 

"My Lord...it hurt terribly last time." I said, hugging myself. 

He stared straight into my eyes. "It won't hurt again." 

One hour later, I found myself again helpless and gasping beneath Lord Sesshoumaru. It was one of the rare times in which he allowed me to see anything other than his usual indifference. I clasped his face in my hands and watched his expression twist and shudder. The powerful sensations crashed over me, making me stiffen and cry out. 

My Lord soothed me by lapping the sweat from my brow. I longed to thank him for making me feel so wonderful, but I was so tired that I buried my face in his silky hair and fell asleep almost immediately. 

We repeated this activity nightly. The fear I felt the first time faded. He showed me exactly what he placed inside my body during our sessions and I marveled at its ability to stiffen and relax almost at his will. I slowly learned where to touch my Lord in order to bring him the greatest pleasure. In turn, he discovered exactly how I liked to be caressed. Our nights were filled with desire while our days remained exactly the same. 

I think I'm starting to love him...and not as a child loves a parent. 

o 

Two weeks have gone by since Lord Sesshoumaru and I pressed our naked bodies together. His nights are often spent in his study or out in the garden. I woke late this morning to discover he left for his patrol and probably won't be able to join me tonight, either. 

Just as well, I haven't felt very good lately. My breasts feel sore and inflamed and I often have cravings for fish or rice stew. I think I need to sleep more, but such is impossible when Master Jaken bursts in and calls me a lazy fool for lolling around in bed. Maybe my menses are due to flow soon. I tried to explain it once to Master Jaken, however he found it disgusting and refused to listen to my plight. 

Pity I slept so late. I would have loved to join my Lord on his patrol. I find this kind of funny...he marks the borders of his territory the same way an ordinary dog marks a tree. Once a month he goes out and marks the boulders that tell where his lands begin, and the scent often warns lesser demons to stay out. 

"...are you even _listening_ to me, Rin?" 

"Huh?" I shot Master Jaken a startled look, "I'm sorry, my mind wandered again. What were you saying?" 

"Stupid girl," the green toad bristled, "Have you groomed Ah-Un like Lord Sesshoumaru asked?" 

I wilted and fidgeted with my hair, "I'll go do so now." 

Master Jaken pounded the ground with his staff. "Good. The last thing I need is my Lord kicking me because of YOUR laziness." 

Ooh, sometimes I really hate the way he insults me! Still I am only a human, the _only_ human living in this stronghold. The sole reason I am allowed to live is because Lord Sesshoumaru gave them orders not to harm me. Only those desiring death would lay an unkind hand on my person. 

Master Jaken huffed and turned away. 

"Master Jaken?" I hedged. 

"What now?" 

I bent to his level and asked, "Lord Sesshoumaru has been acting different lately. If he isn't on patrol, he is locked in his study and hardly eats..." I nearly said more than I should, but I dare not mention what my Lord and I did at night. 

A strange look crossed Master Jaken's face. He blinked his large, yellow eyes. His beak opened slightly, then snapped shut. He frowned and waved his Staff of Heads, "Lord Sesshoumaru will explain it to you when he feels ready." 

Why did he seem sad? 

"All right." I pinned my hair up and walked outside to Ah-Un's stable. There, I spent the next hour scrubbing their scales shiny and prepared them a meal of discarded fish parts. I never got the chance to question Master Jaken further. 

Strangely, the smell of the fish made me hungry. I bid the two-headed dragon a cheerful farewell and hurried to the garden pond to catch myself an early lunch. I'm proud to say I started a fire and cooked the fish myself. After eating I tumbled to lay on my back with my eyes closed, allowing myself a reprieve into my favorite daydream. 

I often dream up different reasons for my Lord to smile. Whether it be due to me finding the perfect flower or him witnessing the most glorious sunset or even him standing bloody over a worthy foe...it comes to me dozens of ways, and it is always beautiful. 

A shadow suddenly covered the sun's light, turning the red glow on my eyelids a dark gray. I opened my eyes to see Lord Sesshoumaru standing over me. His head blocked out the sun and the light shimmered on his hair in such a way that it looked like a halo. Wind caught a few silver strands, causing them to float around his head. 

Seeing him filled me with utter joy. 

"My Lord!" I sat up to give him room. "How was your patrol?" 

"Uneventful." To my surprise, Lord Sesshoumaru folded himself to sit cross-legged in the grass beside me. He gazed carelessly at the few errant clouds drifting above our heads. Flowers bloomed gently around him as if a painter was adding the last details to a fine piece of art. 

I struggled for something to say, fearing that if I didn't speak soon, he would stand and leave again. "I assume that is why you returned earlier than expected?" 

"I was tired." 

Tired? Lord Sesshoumaru? That was unusual. 

Before I could ask any questions, he spoke again, "Rin, do you know what dignity is?" 

"I think so." 

"What do you think it is?" 

"Dignity..." I cocked my head. Was he testing me for some reason? "I...I think dignity is when you have your wits about you and you are of sound mind, and everyone around you respects you." 

Lord Sesshoumaru's eyes focused straight onto me. I stared first at his lips and slowly shifted up to meet his gaze. Bright sunlight contracted his pupils to mere slits. He lifted his chin slightly, half his mouth forming a smirk, "That's right." 

Unbidden, I broke into a silly smile, "You have a lot of dignity, Lord Sesshoumaru. You need not ask me if you still do." Then I sobered and stared at the white blossoms in front of me. "My Lord...why have you been locked in your study so much? Usually I see you out walking the gardens or training in the dojo. Lately you have been behaving differently." 

Something strange crossed his blank expression. "Important matters have come up that require attending to. Time is limited. I can't afford to involve myself in foolish disputes or waste the day on border patrols." 

There were words he didn't say that should have been said. I felt as if everyone around me knew a secret that no one wanted to tell me. How utterly vexing. I stared hard at the side of his face as though that would draw the answers straight from his head. Bloodstains painted a faint red trail from the corner of his mouth. When he parted his lips to speak again, I noticed he was missing his bottom left fang. 

"Everything is going to change very soon, Rin." 

"My Lord?" 

Lord Sesshoumaru's face seemed...extremely sad. He wouldn't meet my eyes, choosing instead to stare into the water. He scooped a flower out of the grass and dropped it on the pond's surface. We both watched the yellow blossom drift across the sun's reflection. 

He suddenly lifted my chin with a bent forefinger. "You will grow up swiftly during the next few months." 

Frustration threatened to become tears. My voice cracked. "I'm afraid I don't understand..." 

My Lord's mouth twitched. "You will." 

Lord Sesshoumaru never lies. If he said I would soon understand, then I am sure the answers are out there. I forced myself to meet his eyes, "Will we lay together tonight, my Lord?" 

"No, not tonight." He drew back with a knowing gleam in his eye, "You need to rest." 

At that, my Lord twisted to his feet. I stood as well...it's amazing how much I have grown. Long ago I barely came to his waist and now I can stare straight at his chest. 

I wrapped my arms around Lord Sesshoumaru's waist. His armor got in the way, I couldn't feel him at all through the warm metal. He made no move to deter or return the embrace. He never returns my touch unless we are lying naked together amongst the sheets. 

Beneath the thick armor and silk, I felt him release a long sigh. His heart thumped gently in my ear. 

"My Lord..." I chewed my bottom lip, "may I sleep beside you? We need not...I can stay clothed if - " 

"If you desire to sleep beside this Sesshoumaru, do so." Then he cleared his throat, a signal for me to release him. When I did so, he acknowledged me with a faint nod and vanished inside. 

Later, deep into the night, I lay stiff as a board while Lord Sesshoumaru slept with his bare back to me. Cold wind kept blowing through a crack in the shoji window. I began to shiver, and wanted nothing more than to press myself against his back for warmth. 

My Lord is a _very_ light sleeper. I feared even turning over would wake him from his peaceful slumber, and I didn't want him kicking me out. But the cold threatened my bones. I finally risked slowly rolling over and curling up like a ball. The sheets rustled abruptly. I found myself pressed to Lord Sesshoumaru's burning chest. 

"Was death that cold?" he whispered. 

The question came from nowhere, startling me beyond words. I nodded my head to indicate yes. 

"Tell me, Rin," his breath tickled my ear, "what did it feel like?" 

Bitter tears welled at the memories surging through my mind. There was the snarling wolves ripping through my flesh. My own blood splashing everywhere. And the numbness... 

"It...feels like falling asleep...only the falling never stops...and it was so cold. Then I was looking down at myself. Then I saw light, I wanted to go towards it, but you brought me back. The way I died hurt, but the actual dying didn't...it was peaceful. Like a dream that never ends." 

"So there is something more..." 

"Yes." 

Lord Sesshoumaru relaxed with a sigh. 

"My Lord?" 

"What is it, Rin?" 

"Have you ever...d-do you feel love?" 

"Why do you ask?" This was not an attempt at avoiding the question. I could almost see his eyebrow raise a half degree, becoming an even more perfect arch half-hidden in his silver bangs. 

I touched the hand he had carelessly draped over my hips. Lifting his lower arm, I turned over so we were face to face, forcing myself to stare into two moonlit eyes. "Because I think I love you, my Lord...please don't be offended." 

"Hmm..." His red eyelids slid shut. "I am not blind to the callings of my own heart. Whether or not I listen is my decision." 

He said nothing more. I dared not ask further of him. 

My Lord fell back to sleep in seconds. I knew he was asleep because his mouth always falls slightly open when he is sound asleep. For a while I did nothing but marvel at the patterns his long eyelashes formed on his cheeks. Oh if only the world could behold him in slumber, his face becomes utterly peaceful. So different from how he looks while awake. 

o 

The nights following the discussion of death were quiet and uneventful. Mornings were not so kind. I think I ate a bad fish or decayed bread...as I'm often losing my stomach shortly after waking. The very scent of the foods I previously craved send me running for an empty vase or bowl. To make matters worse, I haven't seen any menses for nearly two weeks, and I am never late. 

A sudden itch on my arm drove me from my thoughts. I scratched the offending skin, frowned at a lump and slapped my arm. Something small with hard skin moaned against my palm. 

"Oh, my...I'm sorry!" I lifted my hand to my face and squinted at the tiny demon smashed flat on my palm. "Myouga, is that you?" 

"Ohhh, ouch!" the little flea demon regained his shape with a soft pop. "Hello there, Rin. Sorry I fed on you, I was quite hungry. Your blood tastes different today." He smiled at me, somehow managing the expression without lips. "So, who is the man in your life?" 

I blinked at him, "What are you talking about?" 

"Whyyy, Rin! You don't know? A child grows in your womb as we speak!" 

What? Did he just say I was pregnant? Oh, my, I was so terribly confused! 

"Pregnant? How?" 

Myouga fell backwards against my middle finger. He looked as though my question knocked him down. He shook his head a few times, dusted off and stood up. "Have you been...er...intimate with anyone lately? You know...in bed with your clothes off?" When I nodded, he went on to explain something terribly embarrassing that made me blush. In short, Lord Sesshoumaru mated with me. 

"I can't believe I did not know this." I frowned at the little flea, "I suppose there were reasons for it not being explained to me sooner." 

"Yes, yes, now Rin...if you had known what was being done to you, would you have still agreed?" 

"Oh!" I blushed deeper, "He is someone I love, so yes..." 

"Ahh." Chuckling, Myouga gave me a knowing look. "I'm glad I could help, then, congratulations. Now I best be moving on, I have a little score to settle with Jaken." 

"Thank you very much, Myouga," Smiling, I knelt and let him hop from my hand to the ground. A child, I can not believe I am going to be a mother! "I have to talk to someone as well." 

"Goodbye!" Myouga bowed and vanished in less than two leaps. 

I patted my navel, smiling to myself. I felt as though I had a wonderful secret that nobody else knew about. And nobody would know until my belly began to grow. 

"My Lord!" I raced from my room and burst into his study, "My Lord! My Lord! I am not ill after all!" 

Lord Sesshoumaru straightened from the papers he was so intently staring at and fixed his amber eyes on me. They danced with amusement. "I know...I was waiting for you to discover on your own." 

"Actually, Myouga tasted the child in my blood." I flapped my hands wildly about in the air, it seemed the only way to control this excitement bursting in my heart. "But...my Lord! It will be a hanyou, and you hate - " 

"A hanyou that will have _my_ blood coursing through his veins. Better I have a halfbreed heir than let the lands go to my wretched brother." Lord Sesshoumaru's voice hardened, "No son of mine will ever dissolve into a sniveling fool like him. He will learn to act as a high-ranking demon worthy of full-blood respect." 

I settled a hand on my chest to calm my throbbing heart. The world didn't have enough air. "Why did you choose this Rin, who is still so young?" 

"Your life is still many years in the making." My Lord gazed down at the paper spread across the table. Ink left black streaks on his pale fingertips. He painted a few figures on the sheet, taking his time before finishing his reply. "And you will help him understand his human side as only a mother can." 

"And why now?" 

"Because, Rin," and then, with a simple sentence, he shattered my world, "this Sesshoumaru is going to die." 


	2. Focus on Life

o 

_Who has placed the midnight sky_   
_So a spirit has to fly?_   
_As the heavens seem so far,_   
_Now who will paint the midnight star?_

Enya, "Paint the Sky With Stars" o 

**The Last Day**   
**Chapter two**   
**"Focus on Life."**

o 

My happiness vanished like a blown out flame. All thoughts coursing through my mind ground to a halt. Light darkened until I hardly saw at all. Even my mouth went dry. I felt stifled, my lungs full of cotton and dust. 

"...what? Why? You are a taiyoukai! Death has no power over you, you have power over death!" 

He shook his head. 

"_Why?_" 

"A growth in my stomach. My father had it. I have it because he did. It is a curse that will keep passing down to every pure blooded male in my family until we either perish or mix our blood." Lord Sesshoumaru put his brush down and turned slowly to me. His eyes held nothing but bitterness, "My father...he conceived Inuyasha because he knew a hanyou would not contract this disgusting illness. He died in battle to preserve his dignity, knowing that at least one of his sons would live a full lifetime. While I don't agree with his decision, I do understand his reason, and so the anger I felt towards him all these years has abated." He spoke even softer, "I wish he could have told me..." 

I heard his voice, but not the words. My tears blurred his image into a wavering white blob. The syllables for 'This Sesshoumaru is going to die' kept echoing endlessly within my head. 

"I will choose how I die. My way, with my dignity intact..." now his gaze was faraway, "The night after our son is born will be the night I go in peace to my death, knowing that I have a solid heir to my lands. That, Rin, is why you will need to grow up quickly. I will not be here to help you raise him." 

Trapped in this nightmare from which I couldn't awaken, I raced towards my Lord and flung myself against his chest, sobbing. Lord Sesshoumaru can not die! He is perfection! He is immortal! Demons live for hundreds of years! How could something cut him down in his prime like this? 

"How do you know the exact day?" 

"Because I will take my life." His voice barely escaped the choke hold I had him trapped in. "Much less distressing than withering to bone and losing my mind. I will take my last breath while I am still strong." He gazed quietly out the window. "I will consume a fatal dose of opium, fall asleep and die. No one will ask any questions." 

"No, no, no, my Lord!" I sobbed into his hair. At the same time I wanted to rip it out and cram it down his throat. How dare he fall ill! How dare he tell me he will die! How dare he say he will leave me to raise our son alone! How _dare_ he! "There must be a cure somewhere!" 

"Rin." Lord Sesshoumaru stood abruptly, causing me to tumble backwards across the floor. "You must be strong." 

How can I be strong when the source of my strength is going to leave me? 

"W-what about Tenseiga?" I gazed up hopefully as he towered over me. With my hand I pointed to the sheathed blade at his side. "Your life giving sword, can it not heal you?" 

Even I could not miss the despair that passed across my Lord's white face. "No," he said softly, "it has already given me an extra century of life. It can do no more." 

My Lord's fate really is sealed. Coldness and pain whirled around my heart and head like soul stealers. Cancer...I have read about it before. The sickness it causes is debilitating. No one who catches it survives. Left to run rampant in my Lord's body, it would leave him emaciated and bedridden for weeks before his life extinguished. His death may take him gasping, in agony and vomiting blood. He...he would die ugly and without an ounce of his former glory. 

Lord Sesshoumaru is a flame that would rather explode than gutter pathetically to nothing. He is brave to face his fate this way. 

Then why does it still pain my heart? 

"Were you not going to tell me?" 

Lord Sesshoumaru's expression hardened, "I had hoped to spare you this upset so soon." 

I climbed upright, my fists tight like wooden knobs. "So you would have taken the opium and left yourself for me to find you the next morning?" 

"That wasn't the plan." he frowned, "Rin, I had hoped to spare upsetting you so early in your pregnancy. I...wanted it to be a joyful time for you. Not a condition where you endlessly remember that the closer our son's birth comes, the sooner my death will be." 

Sorrow pressed down on me from every angle. I had not the strength to raise my head and meet my Lord's lovely eyes. 

"Be merry, Rin. Focus on our son's oncoming life, not my death." Lord Sesshoumaru's voice stroked my ears in a soothing melody. "Smile and sing as if nothing is wrong. The world will not end when my life does." 

I digested his words in silence. When I trusted myself to speak steadily, I forced my voice out, "Have you chosen a name for our son, my Lord?" 

A corner of his lips turned upward. "Soukenmaru." 

_Soukenmaru_...such a dear, perfect name. I hope he is born with his father's lovely face. 

Everything after that moment became a blur. I think I fainted, I can't be sure. When I regained my senses I was lying on my futon with a cold cloth on my brow. Perhaps the whole thing was a dream after all. I would have gone on believing this if I did not see Lord Sesshoumaru sending messengers out several times that afternoon. One order sent Master Jaken scurrying past my room to collect a dozen servants. 

Morning became afternoon. Afternoon melted to evening. At sunset I noticed my Lord's study windows thrown wide open, so perhaps he watched the lovely colors from within the walls. 

I had myself a bath and some light supper, careful because of my constant nausea. 

Lord Sesshoumaru did not come to bed that night, so I lay there alone with a mind full of thoughts. 

...I remember how he once explained what it is like to be a dog demon. He said to picture a dog's senses and instincts wrapped around my intelligent human mind and I would be close. Sometimes he does engage in dog behaviors - I've seen him chewing bones to clean his teeth, he marks the borders to his lands, occasionally he licks his wounds and he always shakes off after every bath. Human men never do things like that. 

Sleep continued to elude me. Tired as I was, I couldn't keep my eyes closed for more than a moment. Part of me kept hoping to hear my Lord's footsteps approach my private room. 

I rolled off my futon and stood up, observing my shadow on the floor. Strange, why wasn't my belly round? I opened my sleeping yukata and rubbed my hands across my navel. Still flat. Turning this way and that failed to reveal even the faintest bumps. Was the child in there or not? 

"It is still too small to stretch your belly." My Lord's voice spoke from the door, "You will begin to show in a few weeks...I can already tell by your breasts that this child will grow quickly. You may give birth in six months, as opposed to the human's nine or so." 

Six months for a hanyou child? The revelation gave me a mixture of joy and sorrow, like a bittersweet wind blasting my face. I wanted to pound Lord Sesshoumaru's chest and embrace him at the same time. So utterly confusing. Still, he told me to be merry, and I have never disobeyed my Lord without reason. 

It is just so difficult to be happy knowing our son's birth will herald his death. I hope I can forget about this awaiting tragedy for the time being. 

I looked down at my breasts, blushing at how easily he noticed their change. Mine were never much until now. They show under my clothes, so I no longer have the chest of a child. 

"My Lord, should I prepare you for bed?" 

He frowned. "No, there will be no sleep for this Sesshoumaru tonight." 

I pulled my yukata shut and tied the obi neatly into a bow. "What takes up all your time?" 

"Letters, instructions, my will..." A sigh heaved his chest, he looked weary like a wilted flower from three nights without rest. Ink stained his fingers black. "I must make several copies in case it is destroyed. They must all be in my handwriting or they will appear forged and considered meaningless. And then there are letters concerning my lands, each with instructions to remain unopened until a second letter arrives, which will not occur until after my death." 

"But you will not die in the next hour. Please, Lord Sesshoumaru, you need to rest if you wish to maintain your strength." I reached out and laid my hand lightly on his chest. "Sleep, even if it is only for a few hours. You look exhausted." 

He drew back and seemed to consider for a moment. Finally, he nodded once and turned for the door. I hurried along to prepare his bed, wash his hand clean of the ink and help him disrobe for the night. After I brushed his hair, filed his nails and laid his clothes up to be washed, he crawled onto his futon and stretched out on his side. Another sigh left him when I drew the covers up to his shoulder. 

"Sing for me, Rin." 

And I sang. I sang about the moon and the stars, the clouds and the rain. My Lord closed his eyes and struggled for sleep. His slumber was restless, filled with dreams. Even in unconsciousness he remained troubled by so many things yet undone. I sat behind his head and sang a softer song about the spring flowers. This melody soothed him, and his tossing and turning stilled to quiet breathing. 

I fell asleep sitting against the wall behind his futon, waking occasionally to see the crown of his head and silver hair splayed out in the moonlight. During my brief bouts of sleep, I dreamed of our son. I never saw him, but I felt his presence like the breath of an old ghost from the distant past. 

Soukenmaru...I think he will have silver hair and amber eyes, just like his father. Will he have youkai ears or dog ears? What will he sound like? Will he have markings like my Lord's? Who will he resemble the most? Will the world ever accept him? Will he belong? 

It doesn't matter - he will be beautiful to me, someday, when he is grown. I can't wait to meet him. 

o 

Over the next several weeks my constant nausea started to fade by midmorning. I began craving fish and fruit, and Lord Sesshoumaru never failed to keep both in high demand. The food I consumed doubled in amount from what I normally ate before I conceived a child. These hunger pains were maddening - I _had_ to eat what I desired or I could think of nothing else. 

I have begun to notice a little thickening around my middle. This discovery delighted me, as it means my body is changing to accommodate my child. 

Another bothersome problem has come up as well. Ever since my body began its changes from girl to woman, I have had problems with minor skin eruptions. A red spot on my chin, another on my cheek. Lately they have come in clusters of three or four. I despise them, they are unsightly and just so...so...human. I just know they displease my Lord. No demon would ever succumb to such offensive skin maladies. 

Master Jaken was not very pleased when I finally told him why I have been so dreamy lately. He always had called me disgusting, impudent and stupid. The word 'whore' was added to his list of names he called me. Yet that has always been his way. If I was honest, I really don't believe he means those insults anymore. They are just teasing. 

Most of the time, anyway. 

"You're drifting again," said Lord Sesshoumaru. Rain fell gently outside, and his soft voice created a chord with the storm. 

"I'm sorry, my Lord!" I startled from my reverie and lifted the rice bowl back towards his face. Since my Lord is missing an arm, he needs me to hold his rice bowl near his lips for him while he eats his fill. My lack of attention caused me to lower it further and further until he nearly had to bow to reach it. "Did I cause any spills?" 

He shook his head no and resumed eating. The bowl vibrated each time his chopsticks swept a layer off the top. I noticed his eyes occasionally drifted to my middle. Perhaps he was just as fascinated as I am about the life growing within me. 

Lord Sesshoumaru is a very, very choosey eater. If his food arrives with a flaw in its preparation, he finds a hair in it or a spot on the bowl, he will refuse his entire meal. He also dislikes others seeing him eat, though I never really understood why. For him to allow me near him during a mealtime is a sign of trust he doesn't even put in Master Jaken. I wonder how he managed his rice before we met. 

I stared out the window. From there I could see little circles forming in the pond as raindrops fell across its surface. "How long do you think it will rain?" 

My Lord fixed his gaze on the window. I had a perfect view of his delicate throat, a place that makes him shiver when I kiss him there. He chewed slowly and swallowed, making his adam's apple bob. I watched the skin tighten when he replied, "Two days, perhaps more." His focus returned to his rice. One final swipe and he finished, pushing the bowl gently towards me with his remaining hand. He noticed me staring. "Is something the matter with my neck?" 

Blinking, I buried myself in my own rice. "No, my Lord." 

My face burned with embarrassment. When had such an errant thought made my heart pound? Could this be part of love? 

Lord Sesshoumaru seemed to chuckle without smiling or making a sound. It...it is just a peculiar tilt in his eyes that passes quicker than a blink. Without comment he lifted the bone sitting on his tray and began to shred the ends with his teeth. The sound made me wince, which prompted him to chew more quietly. The pieces he finished off were promptly and gracefully spat into a separate bowl. 

I looked outside to avoid the sight and said, "My mama used to say the sky is crying when it rains." 

He lowered the bone. "Why would the sky cry?" Then he raised it and bit down with his front teeth, and with a loud CRACK the bone split in two. It is interesting how he can make such a savage action look utterly refined. He chewed the ends smooth and set the remains aside, now fully intent on my reply. 

"Mama told me that once upon a time the earth and sky were one. But for the world to exist, they had to part, so the sky cries to tell the earth he still loves her. Earth comforts the sky by creating flowers that catch the rain. The sky is smiling again when the sun comes out. Earth and sky remember their love the strongest when it rains." 

Lord Sesshoumaru arched a brow. "What about thunder and lightning?" 

I stared into my rice bowl and said, "Mama never told me more than what I told you, but I made up my own reason for thunder and lightning." 

"And that is?" 

"The sky tries to fall to earth and bounces off a barrier. Lightning is the barrier glowing and thunder is the sound of the sky roaring in pain. It tries harder and harder, so the lightning grows brighter and the thunder louder...and then the rain comes pouring down." A hot lump swelled in my throat. I struggled not to shed tears. "It is a love that was never meant to be." That blasted tear escaped anyway. I dared not wipe it off for fear of drawing it to my Lord's attention. 

Lord Sesshoumaru noticed anyway, there is little that escapes him. He reached out and brushed the tear off my cheek with his fingertips. "My mother told me a different story." 

I closed my eyes and leaned into his fingers, "Please tell it to me." 

"Lightning is the earth and sky coming together, thunder is their cries of passion and rain is the climax of their joining." He fixed his amber eyes on the shifting clouds, "The more violent the storm, the more passionate their mating. As is expected with the mating act, they have children...which are trees and flowers. They sprout, blossom and grow, and create children of their own." 

His story lifted the sadness from my heart and made me smile. I caught his hand and kissed it. His skin was as soft as the inside of a ripe rose petal. "Then you are like the sky, your rain created our son, and he will soon sprout from me, but will he be a tree or a flower?" 

"Tree," my Lord replied without hesitation, "with strong roots." 

We both looked down at my hands wrapped around his. He seemed to pause before drawing his fingers from my grasp. 

"Finish eating before your supper gets cold," he said. 

"Yes, my Lord." I replied, scooping a clump of rice into my mouth. 

o 

"...I'm not losing my breakfast anymore, so I feel much better. How about you?" 

Ah grunted softly and Un snorted while I brushed debris off their shiny scales with a rough brush. They don't like it when I run the brush between their eyes, but it must be done. As I did so, I gazed longingly outside where rain battered the grass and attempted to pound its way through the stable roof. 

If only this rain would stop...I could seek out the prettiest flower and give it to Lord Sesshoumaru as a gift. He has been locked up in that study for so long that I often wonder if he even remembers what it feels like to walk outside. 

Much to my dismay, the rain comes and goes and the sky is overcast in between each deluge. Will I ever see the sun again? 

I've recently discovered yet another annoyance of pregnancy - the need to make water more often than ever. I feel constantly on the verge of wetting down my legs. Master Jaken finds it funny, but I see it as embarrassing. I haven't slept a full night for weeks! Fortunately one of Lord Sesshoumaru's woman servants explained that this is my growing womb pressing down on my bladder, and it is something I must get used to. 

I was a fool to think carrying a child would be easy. There are some days where I don't even want to leave my bed. 

On the bright side, there is a tiny swelling below my navel. It does not show through clothes, but I know it is there. Ah-Un seems aware of it as well, as they often nudge my belly and snort in question. Perhaps the child has an aura all demons can sense. 

Ah snuffled my hair. I felt Un gently nibble my shoulder. 

"Aw, are you hungry?" 

Twin heads nodded at me, four eyes gazing expectantly at the feed tray. I giggled and stepped aside, letting Ah-Un go ahead and eat their fill. Maybe when the rain stops, I'll take them for a ride in the forest. It has been a while since the dragon had a chance to fly. 

I worked on brushing Ah-Un's hindquarters while they were occupied by their meal. Neither seemed bothered by my mild intrusion. They needed a bath soon - their feet and hindquarters stunk of waste and blood odors. 

"Rin! There you are!" A very soaked and angry Master Jaken sloshed into the stables. He shook himself and wrung out his hakama, "Grr, do you realize I just searched the entire castle for you? Lunch is ready, why are you out here?" 

"Lunch time, already?" I tried not to laugh at Master Jaken's little water dance. The little green imp always looks funny when he gets mad. "I'm sorry, Master Jaken. The clouds are so dark that I can only tell when the sun is rising or setting. Is Lord Sesshoumaru mad?" 

Master Jaken took his hat off, shook it and replaced it with a wet squishing sound. He glowered up at me when an unbidden snicker worked itself past my lips, and said, "Annoyed is a better term for it." 

Just then a loud crack of thunder ripped the sky in half. Raindrops as large as my fingers came like the hoofbeats of an oncoming samurai army. I was frightened at first. Then I remembered my Lord's story and the fear dissipated. 

"Please tell Lord Sesshoumaru that I will come as soon as I have cleaned up." I said, showing Master Jaken my filthy hands, "I won't take but a moment, I promise!" 

He shook his head, "Be quick, Rin. I mean it!" 

I waited until Master Jaken left, then I bolted into the castle for a quick bath and a change of kimonos. My belly felt funny the entire time - it would not stop tapping and tickling. One might think I swallowed a butterfly. It vanished by the time I padded into the dining area where my Lord sat with a bowl of tea. 

"My Lord, I'm terribly sorry. I did not realize it was so late." 

Lord Sesshoumaru gazed pointedly at my blushing face, his voice and expression betraying nothing. "You must learn to pay attention to the time in this kind of weather. Otherwise dusk will catch you unexpectedly." 

"I know, I'm sorry." 

He nudged a small bowl of green and brown fluid towards me. "Drink this once a day from now on. It will help the child grow strong." 

Whatever it was, it smelled worse than Master Jaken did after a skunk sprayed him! My hunger for lunch shrank abruptly to nothing. I raised questioning eyes to my Lord's lovely face, "What is it?" 

"A drop of my poison mixed with dragon's blood. It will help the child, and you, to be immune to some demon toxins. The dragon's blood will protect you from the acid." He settled back, taking a deep breath. I would not be surprised if he had a headache from staring at parchments all morning. "You may feel mildly ill at first. It will pass." 

I trusted his word. Lord Sesshoumaru wouldn't harm me, not with his heir in my womb. 

Lifting the bowl, I tried not to inhale the scent and took a small sip. Of course it tasted metallic like blood, and it burned worse than sake. My lips tingled. I swallowed the rest in one swift gulp, gagging on the putrid flavor. As soon as I consumed the concoction, Lord Sesshoumaru handed me a rice bowl. 

"The burning will stop if you eat." 

I ate without question. Rice dragged what clung in my throat down. The burning ceased. 

"Good. Now you- " My Lord paled and thrust a hand over his mouth. He left the table quickly. The pointed glare he shot over his shoulder stopped me from racing after him. 

I reluctantly finished my rice, consumed the sushi and ended with the sweet rice pudding. Servants hurriedly cleared the table. No one mentioned Lord Sesshoumaru, nor did he reappear. Moments passed and I neither heard nor saw him. 

I know that disobeying Lord Sesshoumaru is asking for disaster, but his sudden disappearance frightened me. The door to his bedroom had been pulled shut. I saw his silhouette against the thin paper door - he was bent over a basin. I cringed at the sounds of vomiting. 

For months my Lord would just up and vanish into his bedroom. Now I know why. 

"My Lord?" I felt my own stomach turn over, but whether from the potion or the sounds, I couldn't be sure. "Are you all right? Do you need help?" 

Heavy breathing followed my question. Lord Sesshoumaru panted for what seemed like an eternity. I got worried and slid the door open. He jerked his head up and I saw his face was covered in blood. It hung from his mouth and nostrils in sticky strings and formed trails down his chin. His lips and teeth were stained dull crimson. Before him lay a bowl filled to the brim with foul-smelling blood and bile. I could see pain in his glaring amber eyes. 

"Leave." My Lord's frame stiffened. He heaved more red clumps into the bowl. Not once did he lose his noble composure. One would think he did this every day from birth to the present, and such was normal. 

Again, he told me to leave. His voice was colder, a sign that he wasn't repeating himself a third time. 

And I, not wanting to see his wrath, left him alone. 

Later that night, sleep eluded me again, or, rather, I kept dreaming and waking so frequently that I hardly knew the living world from the world of dreams. Reality crystallized after I awoke hungry for rice pudding and sushi. I rolled upright and headed towards the fusama. 

I almost tripped over a tray sitting just outside the door. The very foods I craved were placed neatly on top with chopsticks in the center. My pudding was still warm, which meant someone knew exactly when I would awaken and placed the tray at just the right moment. 

_But who? Certainly not Lord Sesshoumaru_. 

"You had better appreciate this. I had to wake the cook to get this made," came a squeaky little voice. 

"Master Jaken?" I blinked at the shadows. Youkai see so well in the dark that torches and such aren't necessary, but Lord Sesshoumaru added a few so I can find my way around at night. Still, it was so late that even those lights were out. 

The green imp's yellow eyes opened, "Hmph. Who else?" 

Perhaps Lord Sesshoumaru ordered him to leave the tray for me. I seated myself beside the food tray and dipped my sushi into its sauce. "Thank you very much, Master Jaken!" 

"Keep your voice down," he hissed, "You'll wake our Lord. He just got to sleep." 

My Lord retired without me? I suppose I can not blame him, I was asleep when he decided to bed down for the night. 

"Sorry," I winced. "Is he all right? Was he very angry with me for seeing him earlier?" 

"He will be fine by morning." Master Jaken scowled up at me. "The sickness is probably spreading." His eyes welled up and he looked away, "Even though he has been ill since we met, I always thought I would die first." Then he shook his head, snarled softly to himself and calmed, his eyes drifting to my middle. "Your son will have a lot to learn once he is old enough to understand what he was born into." 

"I know." I gazed longingly at my belly, which still did not show through my sleeping yukata, and said, "Will you help me teach him, Master Jaken? I think Lord Sesshoumaru would want that." 

"Rin," Master Jaken puffed out his chest, "Such would be an honor. I promised our great Lord that I would serve his son just as faithfully as I served him." 

Butterflies reappeared in my belly. I smiled. "Do you think I'll be a good mother?" 

"That remains to be seen," he replied coldly, turning away. "Leave the tray when you're done. Someone will pick it up." 

He thinks I will make a good mother, I just know it. Master Jaken always avoids a question when he doesn't want to sound too soft. 

"Thank you, Master Jaken." 

"Humph!" 

With that, he was gone. 

I happily ate my midnight meal while the fluttering feeling continued to tickle my belly from within. 

o 

Nothing in the world smells better than the morning after a rainstorm. Everything is fresh, clean and sparkling, as if the stars fell to cover everything in diamonds. Flowers have a stronger scent and the earth is soft and forgiving. Sunrises are brilliant and colorful. Mornings after a storm are my favorite thing to wake up to. 

I tilted my head back and smiled as Ah-Un glided effortlessly over the forest treetops. The sun hung like a white jewel above silver clouds that reminded me of my Lord's flying cloud. 

"Ah-Un, find us a flower field, okay?" I patted the dragon's side, "But don't go past Lord Sesshoumaru's borders." 

The two headed dragon snorted into their muzzle. Un chewed on his bit while Ah sniffed for the nearest flower field. We turned south and the green forest fluff thinned to flat grass. Everything was so green and new. I wondered if the earth and sky conceived any new flowers during the recent storms. 

Ah-Un ducked their heads and descended towards the grass below. Descents were my favorite part of riding them, it felt as if the only one who could catch me was Lord Sesshoumaru. I squealed in happy delight as the wind blew my hair straight up. Then came the soft thump of landing. 

Little white flowers grew so thickly that I couldn't even see Ah-Un's feet! Their pearly petals glittered in the morning brilliance. I breathed deeply of their sugary scent and hugged each of Ah-Un's heads. "Oh, Ah-Un, these are perfect! They match my Lord's kimono!" 

Then I jumped down and began picking the biggest blossoms I could find. Each stem was cold and wet against my fingers. I found little blue and yellow flowers between the white ones. Since they were pretty, I picked them too, and secured my collections to my obi. 

Two yellow butterflies flitted past my face. I watched them dance about and land. 

Ah-Un lifted their heads. I heard Ah growl and Un nudged me with his nose. 

I pushed Un's head back and frowned, "Hey, I'm not done. Just a few more, okay?" Now Ah was pushing against me. Both growled insistently and I quickly grew annoyed. I tried ignoring them, but that just made them rear up and practically yank me off the ground. 

"What now?" 

An arrow zinged past my head, pinning a sutra to Ah-Un's flank. The two-headed dragon roared and froze in place like a sculpture. A monk's spell held them pinned in place so they couldn't move, but their slitted eyes still shifted in search of their attacker. 

I shrieked, "Ah-Un!" 

Hands seized my arms and dragged me away from Ah-Un's fallen form. The flowers I collected fell from my obi and collected at my bare feet. I struggled as much as I dared, fearing that too much twisting would harm the baby. Men's voices spoke harshly, telling me to stop squirming. There was no way I could have shaken them off. 

"We're here to take you back to a human village." said a high man's voice, "Girls like you shouldn't be wandering alone with a ryuyoukai like this. Shinoshi, help me carry her." 

I twisted, "Let me go! I don't want to follow you! I live with Lord Sesshoumaru!" 

Now came Shinoshi's deep voice, "The demon Lord has her bewitched, Kyu! We must take her no matter how much she fights back! Girl, cease! You must come back to your own kind, you hear?" 

"NO!" 

They continued hauling me towards their horses. One of them had hairy arms. The other wore samurai armor. Ah-Un growled, but could not escape the spell holding them down. 

I elbowed one of the men between the legs and yanked hairs out of the other's arm. Both promptly let go, allowing me to run towards Ah-Un. "Ah-Un! I'm coming! I-" I was seized again by bruising hands! Thus, I resorted to my last defense. I screamed, "_LORD SESSHOUMARU! HELP ME!_" 

One of them covered my mouth. I bit his fingers, causing him to snarl and throw me to the ground. I landed hard on my elbows and knees. The beautiful flowers I had chosen for my beloved Lord lay strewn about the field. 

All was still. Both men stood frozen in terror. I knew exactly why without needing to turn around. 

My Lord had arrived. 


	3. Doubts

o 

_Cast your eyes on the ocean_   
_Cast your soul to the sea_   
_When the dark night seems endless_   
_Please remember me_. 

Loreena McKennitt, "Dante's Prayer" o 

**The Last Day**   
**Chapter three**   
**"Doubts."**

o 

Kyu, the one with hairy arms, quickly yanked me up by my hair. Pain lanced across my scalp. I released a whimper as a shaking dagger came to rest against my throat. 

"D-d-don't come any closer, demon!" He stuttered. 

"You would kill the very woman you try to protect?" Lord Sesshoumaru's mouth quirked. Then, he vanished. A powerful arm shook Kyu off me with ease and flung him clear across the field! After that came the shriek of Toukijin being gracefully unsheathed. 

"Oof!" 

My Lord spoke again, "Rin, get down, cover your ears and close your eyes," and I heard death laced within his low voice. 

I did as he said without question. Covering my ears with both hands, I crouched to make myself small and squeezed my eyes shut. Even with my ears plugged I could hear muffled voices and movement. I felt the breeze of my Lord flying past me and the frightened voices of the two human men. One crackle of energy heralded an eerie silence. 

Crouched down as I was, I could _really_ feel the fluttering in my belly. The sensation was much like a tiny horse galloping under my skin. And it dawned on me - that was the child! It must have grown just large enough for me to feel it move about in my womb. This knowledge filled me with quiet happiness. 

Lord Sesshoumaru tapped my shoulder. "It is safe to stand." Right after he spoke, he turned with a dramatic swish of his hair and started walking away, Ah-Un trailing along nearby. Whatever spell those men used on the dragon was not strong enough to deter my Lord from breaking it. 

I jumped up, "My Lord! Please wait!" 

My Lord stopped, allowing me to catch up. When I reached his side, I grasped his hand by the wrist and pressed it to my belly. Shortly after I felt another volley of tiny taps. My Lord blinked once. His long, delicate fingers moved for better purchase against my body. The motions came again, stronger. 

"He kicks strongly for one so small." he said, a look of pride showing in his eyes. "Did those men injure you?" 

I had forgotten about that! I quickly touched my arms and legs. Only some bruises from their hands, but they were not serious and would fade in a few days. "No, my Lord. I'm sorry I interrupted your writing...I only came out to find you the prettiest flower." 

"Don't be foolish," Lord Sesshoumaru said in a dismissive tone. His way of telling me he was not angry, just annoyed. "Rin." 

I fell into step with him, "Yes, my Lord?" 

"You will encounter this often, especially now that you carry a hanyou." He fixed me in his amber gaze, "Humans will come along and try to tell you what village you should go to and how you should live, but the decision you make is solely up to you. _You,_ and only _you,_ have the right to choose how you wish to live and raise our son. Do not let anyone force you into a life you don't desire." Then he faced forward, his steps rustling the flowers. 

"I have already decided." 

Sunlit eyes fixed back on me, lidded slightly. They were so intense that I had trouble meeting them. 

"I want to raise our son in your castle, my Lord. There is no other home for me." 

At that, his eyes gained the faintest softness. One who did not know him would easily miss it. He huffed softly and fixed his gaze on the edge of the field. 

My face warmed, and I went on, "I remember when I was little...I once asked you to please not forget me if I ever died." I measured his response, but his expression betrayed nothing. "My Lord, I promise to never forget you. I'll sing songs about you to our son so he remembers as well. I will not let your memory die when you do." 

Still no response. 

A little saddened, I hung my head and watched the flowers pass beneath my legs. I stopped at the sight of one, tiny, fluffy sphere sitting perfectly on its green stalk. "Ohh...dandelion!" I plucked it carefully so as not to distribute the seed pods too soon. "My Lord! I found a dandelion! You can make a wish!" 

"Hm?" Lord Sesshoumaru focused on the tiny thing in my hand. 

I offered him the dandelion puff and smiled, "You make a wish and blow on the puff. If you can blow all the puff off in one breath, the wind will carry the wish away. But you can't tell me what the wish is or it won't come true. It's like wishing on a star." 

Honestly, I did not think my Lord would partake in such a silly thing. He is full of surprises - I watched him grasp the dandelion puff and close his eyes. Then he blew the puff away with ease. The white pods swirled into the air and dispersed over the trembling flowers. 

I wonder what he wished for. 

We continued to walk, and nearly reached the field's edge before he spoke again, "Rin." 

I looked up to find him staring down at me. Something within his eyes struggled for freedom, but failed before it could escape. My Lord always seems to have so much he wishes to say to me, yet the words never go beyond his mind. I can't help but wonder how much he _has_ left unsaid since we met so long ago. 

_It is all right, my Lord,_ I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his middle, trying to save him from drowning in his own inner turmoil. Lord Sesshoumaru did nothing to encourage or deter my embrace. He stepped back after a moment and kept walking without comment, and I, his faithful ward, hurried to follow behind. 

o 

Lord Sesshoumaru did not head back to his castle like I first thought he would. We took out a southwestern heading towards...why were we heading for Totosai's home? 

"My Lord? What do you want with Totosai?" 

"You will see." 

I said nothing more and continued to walk quietly at his side. Half of my mind drifted off to my favorite daydream, but little Soukenmaru's tapping kicks constantly reminded me of his presence and of the future. I wonder whose smile Soukenmaru will have when he grows up. 

"Our son kicks a lot now that I seem to know it is him I feel." I looked up, "Do you think he can hear us as well?" 

Without acknowledging my question, my Lord stopped outside Totosai's hut and pushed the bamboo curtain aside. Totosai was a very old, ugly demon who looked as if one punch from my fist would break him apart. I never liked how he smelled or sounded. Sometimes he even frightened me with his eerie sidelong glances. And as the bamboo moved aside I saw him crouched down on the floor, fussing under his breath. 

"Huh? Ahhh, Sesshoumaru!" Totosai jumped up and bowed in respect. 

Lord Sesshoumaru did not return the greeting. In a businesslike tone, he asked, "Is it finished?" 

The old demon peered up, "Yes, yes, it just needs the blood seal and it will be capable of transforming." 

Without comment, my Lord clenched his fist, his claws digging into his palm. Totosai collected the blood that fell in a small wooden bowl. My Lord's wound healed the moment the last drop fell. 

"Rin," said Lord Sesshoumaru, "extend your hand." 

I reluctantly did so. Pain shot up my arm as my Lord's claws swiped my palm, and I quickly directed my hand over the bowl. I watched my crimson ichor mix with his darker scarlet. Then my Lord touched Tenseiga to my wound, and the blood instantly stopped flowing. 

"Ooh, excellent! Just a moment now." The old demon carried the bowl to where he was squatting before and poured its contents over an object on the floor. Blinding red light exploded throughout the tiny hut, forcing me to cover my eyes or risk going blind. I still saw it through my closed lids and palms. 

When I lowered my hands, Lord Sesshoumaru stood holding a beautiful sword. The sword's handle and sheath shone the same ruby hue as our mixed blood in the bowl. A tassel made from a lock of my Lord's hair dangled from the end of the gold-tipped hilt. He freed the sword from its sheath and the blade instantly transformed from a blade to a fang. Curved, glistening silver and as long as Toukijin, it proved both intimidating and powerful. 

"Behold," whispered my Lord, "the Herutsuga." He held the sword horizontal so I could examine it. Every so often a red energy wave crackled from hilt to tip. 

Now I know why Lord Sesshoumaru was missing a fang! "My Lord! It's beautiful!" 

"When Soukenmaru is ready..." Lord Sesshoumaru started for the door without even bothering to thank poor Totosai for his hard work. "...Herutsuga and Tenseiga will be his." 

I offered Totosai and quick smile and raced to join my Lord in the sunlight. "What power does Herutsuga have, my Lord?" 

Lord Sesshoumaru stopped walking. He faced the forest behind Totosai's home and swung Herutsuga in a circle around his head while calling out, "Poisonous Cyclones!" and instantly the fang glowed green and released four miasma tornadoes that melted the trees before us. What remained fell in the powerful winds the cyclones spewed forth. Our clothes and hair flew straight back, gradually lying down as the air settled. 

All this in the space of a heartbeat. Amazing! 

Totosai stuck his head out and shrieked at my Lord for unleashing the attack so close to his home. Lord Sesshoumaru just grunted and placed the sword back in its sheath, which rested on his belt. He then handed the sheathed blade to me. "It is sealed with our blood, Rin. Only you, myself and Soukenmaru can touch or wield it. Its barrier will repel anyone else. This will ensure it can never be stolen or used against our son in a battle." 

A smile curved my lips. It faded just as quickly. "But who will teach him to wield it?" 

"...I don't know." my Lord admitted. Then he jerked his head up and softly sniffed the air. "Hm." 

"My Lord? Whose scent is it?" 

"Nice new attack you got there," said a raspy voice. I followed its source to a figure clad in red. 

"Ah, Inuyasha," Lord Sesshoumaru turned, "You must learn to conceal your scent better. I was aware of you the entire time." 

"Keh! Spare me your stupid lecture." Inuyasha placed a hand on the handle of his Tetsusaiga. I must admit, I always found him quite handsome, but not nearly as beautiful as my Lord. "Mind telling me what the heck that was back there?" 

"Nothing you need to concern yourself with right now, little brother," came my Lord's cool, sarcastic retort. 

"Argh! Come on! The tree I was just pissing on _melted_!" the hanyou's white dog ears twitched in time with his words. I tried not to giggle at him when he went on, "Don't you think you're a little old to be pulling pranks like that?" 

Lord Sesshoumaru ignored his hanyou half brother completely. He turned to me and said, "Rin, we are leaving." 

We started walking, our backs to Inuyasha. My Lord moved slower than usual and I felt rather than saw Inuyasha leap up over our heads to land gracefully in our path. His long, silver hair settled against his back as he stood, a dark scowl casting shadows over his boyish face. I barely saw his large, golden eyes under the fringe of his thick, silver-white bangs. 

"I saw the letter." 

At this, Lord Sesshoumaru stood still. His amber eyes grew sharper than the sharpest sword ever made. The corners of his mouth gained a slight downward curl. "Your point?" 

"I came to see if it was true." Sniffing the air, Inuyasha bared a fang, "Guess so. You smell like death. So...when will you finally be out of my hair? A month? A year? Or..." in one smooth motion he drew his Tetsusaiga. The blade became a fang that he pointed at my Lord's nose, "...how about right now?" 

My Lord unsheathed Toukijin, which prompted me to step back in horror. Just before I left the castle this morning, I had heard him vomiting a great deal. He was still pale from all the blood he left in the basin...was he strong enough to fight a long battle? He had to be! Lord Sesshoumaru would never enter a battle he knew he could not win! 

Inuyasha charged. Lord Sesshoumaru rushed to meet him. Blade clanged against blade. Metal shrieked as they slid against each other. The sound shot through my ears like knives and I plugged them to protect myself from the pain. 

Lord Sesshoumaru dodged Inuyasha's attacks easily. I watched him lead the battle away from me and towards the melted forest. There, the fight raged on with neither gaining the upper hand. 

Inuyasha managed to knock Toukijin from Lord Sesshoumaru's grasp. My Lord employed his poison energy whip. This seemed to annoy the hanyou more than it actually injured him. After he drove Inuyasha a safe distance away, he reclaimed his sword and pointed it at Inuyasha's face. My Lord's eyes were blazing. Lord Sesshoumaru's eyes never turn red unless he is angry or in drastic pain. He shuddered and dropped to one knee, using Toukijin to hold himself upright. Inuyasha stared at him for a few moments, but my Lord remained immobile. He bore his fangs in what I assume was annoyance. 

"Cut the crap, Sesshoumaru." 

Nothing. 

The hanyou walked forward and shoved Lord Sesshoumaru with his foot. My Lord fell facedown, boneless, his hand still clinging stubbornly to Toukijin's handle. 

"What the hell?" Inuyasha's eyes wandered down over my Lord's fallen frame. "Oh well, if that's how you want it." and he held Tetsusaiga high. 

"_No!_" I raced forward as fast as my legs would allow and fell to my knees at Lord Sesshoumaru's side. He was lifeless when I rolled him over and cradled his head to my chest. I met Inuyasha's eyes, pleading, "Please, don't hurt him! _Please_...it is one thing to kill in the heat of battle, but to kill someone who is defenseless is not fair! He's your brother!" 

Turning slightly, Inuyasha spat a mouthful of blood and a tooth into the dirt beside me. He sniffed audibly. "That's his kid in you, isn't it?" 

"Y-Yes." My eyes burned as I tried to hang onto my Lord and the Herutsuga. I held the sheathed fang across my Lord's chest, praying that the aura would repel any further attacks. Lord Sesshoumaru remained utterly insensate and limp, and my arms were tiring from cradling his weight. Still, I held on, afraid that he would die if I withdrew my touch. "Our son will be heir to the Western Lands instead of you." 

"I don't want his stupid land. I just came to see if that letter was a bunch of crap or not." He slid Tetsusaiga back into its dark sheath, the blade shrinking as it vanished. His face became an unreadable mask. 

I jerked my head up. "Do you even _care_ that your own brother is going to die?" 

"Do you always ask such stupid questions?" he snapped back. 

Did that mean he cared, even just a little? 

Inuyasha flexed his claws. He stared me straight in the eyes with amber orbs a lot like my Lord's. "I'm sure you feel safe and loved around him. I've got news for you, girl...I know how my brother works. He was probably waiting until you were old enough to have a kid just so he could pump you full of baby juice and make you pop out an heir." 

The words cut deeper than any sword could. "What are you saying, Inuyasha?" 

"Stupid wench, I'll make it real fucking simple for you." Inuyasha flattened his ears, leaned closer and said, "Sesshoumaru doesn't love you. He never did. You're just a convenient womb for his baby. He'd do anything to keep me from getting his title. Even if it means rutting with the very race he hates to make sure his blood continues flowing. That," he pointed at my Lord, "can't feel or give love any more than a blind man can see." 

"Liar!" 

"Am I? When's the last time he bedded you, or even kissed you? Probably hasn't since you conceived...am I right?" Before I could answer, he went on, "Used and tossed, kid. Remember that when he kicks you out after the baby's born." With that, Inuyasha shook the dust from his hair and clothes and darted off into the remaining forest. 

I was so shocked and angry that all I could do was cry softly into Lord Sesshoumaru's fluffy pelt. What if he spoke the truth? Am I just a vessel to carry a child and all this dying thing is a trick? No, no one can feign such an illness...and I know my Lord needs me. He needs the love I give him. 

...doesn't he? 

"L-Lord Sesshoumaru?" I brushed his hair from his eyes and used my sleeve to wipe the sweat from his brow. His delicate cheeks had no pink in them at all. I gave him the slightest shake, "Please speak to me." 

Lord Sesshoumaru stirred. "Rin." his lips didn't move and I hardly heard his breathy whisper. 

"I'm here, my Lord..." 

"Vial, obi." 

I felt around until I found it. A tiny vial with powder in the bottom...I recognized it well. 

Opium. 

Mixing a little water with the powder, I tipped it over my Lord's parted lips. He swallowed it like his last salvation and rolled over to sit up. I quickly brushed the dirt and grass from his lovely hair. There was nothing I could do about the stains on his silk clothing. 

When he spoke again, his voice was stronger. "You will not speak of this to anyone." 

I couldn't meet his eyes. Instead, I focused on rubbing the dirt from his hand. "I promise, my Lord." 

Lord Sesshoumaru never thanked me for my comfort...he didn't even look at me. Perhaps he was embarrassed. Or maybe Inuyasha was right. Ooh! How dare Inuyasha say those cruel things and confuse me like this! How dare he challenge my love for my beloved Lord! 

My Lord silently collected his flying cloud. He gestured for me to take his hand and whistled to Ah-Un. We flew swiftly west, reaching his castle just as the sun claimed its noontime position. He commanded me to prepare him for bed. I chose not to question his timing and quickly attended to his sleeping needs. Then he told me to leave him be. 

He remained in his bedroom for a week. The food trays I left at his door were untouched when I returned later. He was always asleep when I peeked in on him. If I woke him by mistake, he either asked for water or told me to leave. My only comfort was the fact that anyone who approached the door received the same treatment. 

One day, I made him a paper flower out of the parchment he used to write his letters. I placed it on the food tray I left outside his room. 

Upon checking later, I saw the paper flower gone and the food untouched. I cracked the door an inch to see inside. My Lord was lying on his side with his back to me, gently twirling my gift between his fingers. His beautiful silver hair cascaded messily across the floor behind his head, as if he had carelessly tossed it aside before lying down. From the doorway, I could see just enough of his face to notice his cheeks were pink again and the pained craze was gone from his amber eyes. 

"I know you are there," he said. 

"I'm sorry, my Lord..." I should know I can never hide from him, "I just wanted to see if you liked my gift." I fidgeted before asking. "Um...do you?" 

Lord Sesshoumaru turned over to face me without replying. Yet, the careful way he placed the flower in his line of sight on the pillow answered my question. 

"Are you feeling better?" 

"I'll be out of bed soon." He closed his eyes, "It bleeds when I consume too much food in one sitting. I fainted from the lack of blood. The only way to stop it is to fast until the blood ceases." 

Guilt settled over my head like a heavy stone. Not only did I bother him with the problem in the field, I had also tried to push food on him when he clearly couldn't eat. "I'm sorry I called you out that day...and I'm sorry I kept leaving trays you didn't want." 

Lord Sesshoumaru dismissed it with a wave of his hand and threw his covers off. It was warm in his room and he looked flushed from the heat. He did not seem to care that his naked body lay exposed to me. A shadow cast by his leg was his only cover. I found my eyes focusing on his midsection, trying to see this horrible thing that causes him such agony. It gave no outward signs. No lumps, no swellings, not even a mark. 

My Lord has lost weight! I could almost see his ribs! Oh...I hope he eats soon. 

I let my gaze drift from his torso to the deformed remains of his left arm. Its tip was flat, slanting up towards his armpit, and the skin was pulled together around the bone in the center. No amount of herbal oils or powders seem to smooth out the roughened, jagged flesh. 

A strong kick from Soukenmaru startled me from my thoughts. How silly I must have looked, jumping at seemingly nothing. I felt like I had a belly filled with tiny drums. "My Lord, he's kicking again. Would you like to feel?" 

He nodded. "Come lay beside me." 

I did so, my heart throbbing when Lord Sesshoumaru slipped his warm hand under my kimono and laid it against my belly. He placed his palm too high and I had to move it down below my belly button. I am happy to say the baby is forming a nice little bump now and I can almost see it through my clothes. 

Tiny taps rippled under my skin. I heard my Lord's faint intake of breath. I turned my head and found myself looking right into his intense golden eyes. The smile I always dreamed of trembled just behind them. It didn't reach beyond the light reflecting off his pupils. 

"My Lord?" 

His perfect eyebrow arched, making me want to brush his bangs away so I could see it better. 

I settled for resting my hand over his, instead. "I love you, my Lord." 

Lord Sesshoumaru closed his eyes and let his forehead rest against mine. He said nothing in reply, and drifted back to sleep with his hand still resting across our kicking son. He was close enough to kiss, to hold, to caress...but I did not have the courage to close that distance. 

Still, I found contentment in watching him rest. It is a privilege few have. 

o 

The next month proved highly uneventful. Days ran together, mixing themselves with rain, storms, Lord Sesshoumaru writing letters and the kicks in my belly growing stronger. My Lord's garden came into full bloom and a day rarely passed without me picking the prettiest flowers and arranging them in vases throughout the palace. I saved the loveliest blossoms for Lord Sesshoumaru's study. 

I am also happy to report that my child is visible through my kimono! I love being able to look down and see my pregnancy...now all the world can know that I carry a baby in my womb. Little Soukenmaru seems to enjoy kicking me the hardest at night, right when I want to sleep. I find that humming softly and rubbing my swollen womb soothes him enough that I can get some rest. 

Odd things have been happening lately...whenever I walk through the garden, I'll glance up and see Lord Sesshoumaru standing at the window, watching me. He always moves away whenever he sees that I noticed him, so I often pretend not to be aware of him just to see how long he will stand there. After a time the feel of his eyes becomes unbearable and I'll raise my hands to wave at him. He just tosses his head and vanishes back inside. This has been occurring daily for nearly a week straight. 

It happened again this morning. I found him leaning around the window, his golden eyes glittering in the morning sunlight. He frowned when I waved to him and turned back to his parchment. The minute I turned my back and peeked into the pond, I saw his reflection's eyes. Every time I caught him watching, those horrible words Inuyasha said crept into my mind. Was my Lord looking at me for me, or was he looking out to ensure nothing endangered the unborn child? 

Yet...I have never understood how his mind works, what he thinks or how he feels. What if he really is as incapable of love as a blind person is incapable of seeing? How can one live a life without love? Life without love of any kind is like a rose that never sees the sun - it shrivels up and falls apart, and all that remains are painful thorns. 

Grr, go away, distracting thoughts! I can never let him know I am doubting his intentions. 

Kneeling down, I smiled at Lord Sesshoumaru's reflection. I can watch him too without him noticing. It is a game I play, trying to see how long I can hold him in my gaze before he becomes aware of it. Like now...he had not a clue. The sun and wind battled over which could capture his hair first. 

Suddenly, he leaned out the window and said, "Rin, prepare yourself for lunch." and then he was gone to have a small meal himself. 

Happily, Lord Sesshoumaru hasn't had any bad spells since the day he fainted. I discovered(by accident) that mixing pineapple with his rice allowed him to eat without pain or bleeding. He could digest meat again as long as he ate it in minuscule amounts. Within a week his muscles were a little bigger and he didn't pant with fatigue all the time. 

The days continued to run together. Lord Sesshoumaru often asked me to sing for him while he and his men relaxed during the warm afternoons. Someone played a shamisen while I sang my heart out. I spun songs about the child, forests, rain, trees, flowers, the sky...and almost everything I sang about won me applause and approval from mildly drunken demons. 

Even my Lord drank himself into a blush. He could drink until his eyes fluttered and still never lose his natural grace. Alcohol made him sleepy - too much and he would drift off where he sat and someone would have to awaken him. 

I sang my Lord's song, the same lullaby I would sing to our son as he grew up. As the notes and words left my lips, I saw Lord Sesshoumaru grasp his sake bottle until his knuckles turned white. His eyes glittered in a manner I found quite odd. Perhaps the light just hit him at a unique angle. Light does many things with him - contracts his pupils, makes his hair shine, lets his fangs gleam and casts a glow across his lips...there is no unflattering lighting around him. 

I finished singing and blushed at the applause I received. I quickly took up my position on the floor next to my Lord while demon geishas began a provocative dance. Lord Sesshoumaru paid them little mind, seemingly lost in his inebriated haze. He looked content, but sleepy, his red eyelids drooping to half-mast. 

"My Lord," I touched his arm, "should I make preparations for you to lie down?" 

"No, I'm all right, thank you," he replied. Without prompting, he reached over and rested his hand over my belly. Soukenmaru wasn't moving, so my Lord gave my pregnant bulge a slight squeeze that aroused a flurry of squirming. 

"I don't think he likes that," I chided him playfully. A solid kick struck the bottom of my ribcage. It hurt as if a warthog demon butted against my bones! 

"Mm...I probably woke him up," said Lord Sesshoumaru. I think he forgot for a moment that he lacked a left arm, because he nearly tipped over on his left side. He was lucky I had ahold of him, or he may have suffered an embarrassing indignity. 

"Perhaps you should stop drinking sake for awhile. You may upset your stomach." 

Hard amber eyes bore down at my face. "I will decide when I have had enough." 

Terror clutched my heart. I could only hold my chest and nod in agreement. My Lord has killed men for less than the disrespect I just displayed. "I'm sorry, my Lord." 

His delicate hand pushed a bowl of dragon's potion across the table at me. I drank it without question, and almost immediately received a bowl of rice soup to wash it down. Neither of us spoke as I obediently consumed what he offered me. He appeared extremely agitated, his forehead knit in a slight frown. The expression was a perfect mirror of the one he wore the morning after our first mating. 

I turned my attention to the dancers. They all wore beautiful white kimonos embroidered with red flowers. Their faces were painted in a way that exaggerated their markings, made their cheeks pink and turned their lips bloody red. Now and then, one of the men would join a chosen woman and they danced together, passing fans back and forth and toying with silk ribbons. 

If they were considered beautiful to those men... 

An idea struck me and I quickly excused myself. Lord Sesshoumaru nodded to me in acknowledgment and I rushed into the corridor. The next room over contained the makeup and kimonos the dancers periodically changed into between songs. A lovely red kimono depicting sakura trees caught my attention - and I discovered it fit me well, despite my swelling belly. I changed into it, blushing when I realized it opened so low that I could see the skin between my breasts. But the men seemed to like that, so I would deal with the indignity. I arranged my unruly hair into a large bun and inserted the prettiest crystal hair-pins I could find. The face paint proved the greatest obstacle, I have never painted my face before. I decided on heavy blue above my eyes, pink for my cheeks and deep red on my lips. It did not look as grand on me as it did on demon women...yet it was not horrible either. I thought it quite pretty. 

Snagging a fan from the tabletop, I caught a last look at myself in the mirror. Surely I would be beautiful enough to arouse a reaction from my Lord! 

I held the fan up so only my eyes were visible and sauntered out to my Lord. "Lord Sesshoumaru..." I cooed. 

Lord Sesshoumaru turned his head. I let the fan slide shut and squared my shoulders, which nearly caused my breasts to tumble out of the kimono. His eyes widened and his mouth dropped a little. Then, suddenly, he blurred from view. A clawed hand wrapped around my arm and I found myself being dragged forcefully from the grand hall. 

We passed my room. The hand did not let go until we were in my Lord's room. He shoved the fusama shut with his foot, let go of my arm and spun me around to face him. He was _furious_! 

"Rin, what are you doing?" he growled. 

Tiny lines of terror squeezed my heart. "I...I wanted you to dance with me like the other men danced with the geishas! I thought that if I took on their appearance you would find me beautiful! I -" 

Lord Sesshoumaru's clawed hand yanked the pins off my head, causing my bun to tumble down. I heard him order me to sit and did so, my heart throbbing almost painfully. He dashed cold water on my face and wiped the beautiful paint off with a rough cloth. He scrubbed and scrubbed until I was sure he had scraped the flesh from my features. Finally, he tore the kimono right off my body, baring me completely, and wrapped me in his bed sheet. All this with one functional hand...I was quite impressed...and too stunned to stop him. 

"I prefer you as yourself," said my Lord, his voice low, "you need not paint your face or dress like a whore to please this Sesshoumaru's eyes." He was panting from dissipating anger, the breath hissing in and out of his lips. I was too frightened to focus on his face. My gaze remained on his heaving chest, its motion obvious even under the heavy silk kimono and metal armor concealing his body. 

"I'm sorry, my Lord," tears stung in my eyes. I clutched the sheet in both hands to keep it from falling off. 

Lord Sesshoumaru's gaze drifted to my belly, which protruded slightly from under the parted sheet. He stood, walked to his tansu and opened the bottom drawer. From it he withdrew the most beautiful kimono I had ever seen. The shoulders were the same color as my Lord's hair, fading gently into soft azure at the hem. The obi was pristine white, almost too pure and beautiful for my human hands. 

"Try this on." he said, the kimono fluttering as he offered it to me. A glimpse of the back let me see a beautiful white crescent moon embroidered on the fading pattern. 

I grasped the clothing gently in my hand and walked behind the shoji screen. Amazingly, the kimono fit me perfectly! The obi didn't even squeeze my belly. As if it had been made for my pregnant body. I straightened the silk as best I could and stepped out for my Lord's approval. "It's beautiful, I love it! Can I - " 

My Lord's expression cut me off. His face was impossible to read, his eyes were large, but his mouth remained its usual line. "Yes...yes it is. It belonged to my mother." 

The way he stared made my eyes prickle. His eyes practically floated on invisible, unshed tears. Perhaps it was the alcohol in his blood, his eyes _always_ water when he indulges in the rare bottle of sake. "I imagine she was beautiful to wear something this lovely." 

"My mother was a beauty beyond compare, so said my father." 

I continued to watch him, even after he averted his gaze to the discarded geisha kimono on the floor. He was so beautiful and so sad. My eyes lost focus as I started thinking to myself, _and I imagine your father and mother were in love for longer than both of us have been alive. My Lord, my Lord Sesshoumaru...if you had the chance, could you have loved me that way as well?_

Or was I still just a vessel for his child? No! Go away, cruel thoughts! 

"My Lord...what happened to your mother?" I bit my lip, a bit frightened, "You have never really spoken of her before now." 

Lord Sesshoumaru's stare moved from the fallen kimono to his hand. "I killed her." 

My breath hitched. 

"We had a disagreement and the poison in my claws made its first appearance just as I struck out at her." Then he tossed his head and wiped a hand down the center of his face, "It was a long time ago, Rin, and I don't like to remember her death. Father was devastated, especially since we discovered my illness shortly after." 

_And that prompted him to conceive Inuyasha with a human_. I longed to run over, to embrace him and coax out the tears he would not shed in my presence. _Oh, my Lord...you have carried this pain around all this time_. 

"Rin." 

"Yes?" 

His voice came out muffled by his pale hand, "When I was a child, I was a lot like you. When I saw you...I saw myself. I saw something I could never have again." 

I approached him, my steps quiet on the tatami beneath me. When I was close enough to touch my Lord, I reached out and lifted his hand away from his face. His eyes were overflowing. Even as his face remained an utterly expressionless mask, his eyes betrayed him with a pain that even I could recognize. 

We were both orphans. We both lost our parents too soon. We have both seen too much death. 

"Is that why you brought me back and let me follow you?" 

"Tch! I just needed to test Tenseiga. It worked. That is _all_." Lord Sesshoumaru stood, his drunken haze making it impossible for him to keep his emotions in check any longer. He put his hand back over his eyes and turned away. "Leave me alone for awhile." 

Stung, I stretched my hand out, "My Lord?" 

"_Go_." 

Afraid to upset him further, I left quickly and closed the door behind me. Through the paper screen I saw his silhouette lay down on the futon. Soft, barely audible sniffing sounds came from within. 

I'm not sure, but I think Lord Sesshoumaru was crying. It may have been the sake fogging his inhibitions, in fact I am sure that is the truth. Still...I longed to run in and comfort him, but such would impose on his dignity and destroy his pride. I found the very thought utterly frightening. He has always been my rock, the one stable thing I can depend on when I am in danger. And thinking I heard my solid rock crumble made me feel more vulnerable than the day the wolves ripped me to pieces. 


	4. I Love to Dream

o

_In a wood full of princes,_  
_freedom is a kiss._  
_But the prince hides his face_  
_from dreams in the mist_.

Heart, "These Dreams"

o

**The Last Day**  
**Chapter four**  
**"I Love to Dream."**

o

Brilliant azure created an endless expanse before my eyes. The only thing breaking it for miles around were the thick groves of sakura trees growing on either side of the paths. I let myself tumble backwards into the soft grass, watching the occasional pink wisp drift past my face.

_That cloud is a rabbit...that one is a fish...and that big one looks like Lord Sesshoumaru's pelt!_ I giggled to myself.

"Rin," called my Lord's soft voice. "What are you doing?"

Twisting around, I saw him at the edge of the sakura tree grove. "Lord Sesshoumaru!" I jumped up and ran to him as fast as my feet allowed. He joined me in the middle without ever really moving. I met his beautiful golden eyes, saying, "I was just thinking about you...how is it that you always appear whenever I think your name?"

Lord Sesshoumaru brushed a clawed finger across my cheek. His eyes softened, "Because your scent calls to me." he flashed me, briefly, a dazzling smile that made his face glow. "I have wonderful news, Rin...I have been cured..."

"My Lord!" I squeezed his hand, "Really?"

He nodded, the smile already gone.

At that moment, the sakura trees let down and surrounded us in waves of swirling pinkness. Cherry blossoms peppered Lord Sesshoumaru's hair and clothes like snow, making him seem even more lovely than ever.

"Be my wife," he whispered, "and stay with me forever."

I needed not to think on it. The happiness spilled tears into my eyes. "Yes...yes, my Lord, I'll marry you!"

"Rin," His expressionless face descended towards mine, hair floating around him and eyes swirling with naked emotion. I encircled him in my arms and pulled myself up to meet his awaiting lips. We kissed only for a moment, yet it was wonderful, and then my Lord settled his chin across the top of my head. "Rin...my Rin...Rin - "

"Rin? Rin. Riiiiin. Rin! _RIN!_"

My vision crystallized and Lord Sesshoumaru's beautiful ambers morphed into bulbous yellow orbs. The sakura blossoms became patterns on a shoji screen and my Lord's melodious voice became Master Jaken's screechy rasp as he shouted at me for being a lazy, useless human.

"Uhn...I'm awake...Master Jaken?" I focused on Master Jaken's face, disappointed to discover my Lord's marriage proposal was just a dream. "What's the matter?"

"Lord Sesshoumaru is leaving for his patrol in half an hour. He told me to tell you that he insists you come." Master Jaken huffed and tore the blanket off my body, "Now GET UP and get ready, or else he'll leave without you!"

"Argh! Hey!" I shrieked as the blanket came off. I had nothing on due to lacking comfortable sleeping yukatas. The moment I screamed I heard my Lord's footsteps rushing towards my room. Master Jaken was so surprised at my nudity that he covered his eyes and fell on his backside.

"Filthy human! Cover your indecency, you stupid - " that was all he said before Lord Sesshoumaru quite literally kicked him out of my room. My Lord said nothing, he just shot me a somewhat amused look and pulled the fusama shut so I could dress in privacy.

o

I wonder if it's possible for an unborn child to do a complete somersault inside its mother's womb. As I walked alongside Lord Sesshoumaru, Master Jaken and Ah-Un, Soukenmaru writhed incessantly within me. I think I can now tell the difference between a butting head, a pounding kick, a probing knee, a sharp elbow jab and a tapping fist, and so far I was feeling all of them. Perhaps the little one was upset because I added a little too much spice to my tea this morning.

"What are you giggling about now?" came Master Jaken's annoyed tone.

Had I been laughing out loud?

"It's the child. He is moving a lot since I added that spice to my tea this morning." I smiled, rubbing my midsection. The lilac kimono I wore had a large white obi, which resulted in me looking fat rather than pregnant. Lord Sesshoumaru preferred me to cover my belly when we were out in public, but within the walls of his home I could wear anything I found comfortable. This was not due to shame...he only asked me to cover up for my own protection. I became less of a target if most of the outside world did not know of my pregnant state.

"He must take after me." interjected my Lord, "I dislike overabundant spices."

"That's why I'm always careful with your tea!" I chirped. Then my body decided to alert me to empty itself of water. "...I need to go again."

"Again?" Master Jaken shouted, "You just went a half hour ago!"

"I'm sorry!" I crossed my legs.

"Rin, go ahead. Jaken, be quiet."

I thanked them and ran behind a bush to relieve myself. As I stood up, I felt as if my baby had curled himself into a tight ball. My belly does that a lot now, tightening up for no reason. It never hurts, it just feels kind of strange, and it always stops when I resume walking.

Master Jaken paced impatiently while I washed my hands and refilled my water flask in the stream. Ah-Un grunted and passed wind almost directly in Master Jaken's face. The little toad flailed, coughed and spewed a few obscenities at the two-headed dragon. It was all I could do to not laugh hysterically until the smell hit...then I understood Master Jaken's discomfort. Even Lord Sesshoumaru wrinkled his nose.

"Rin," my Lord said, "did Ah-Un get into the spice garden again?"

"Yes." a giggle worked itself past my throat and I looked over at the sheepish two-headed dragon, "I'm sorry, my Lord."

We continued our trek, Lord Sesshoumaru stepping off occasionally to mark a boulder or destroy a demon that didn't belong on his lands. Nobody said very much for awhile...but I didn't mind at all. I focused on the sky and daydreamed about the lovely dream I had just before Master Jaken woke me up.

"Rin."

I startled, stumbling into Lord Sesshoumaru's side. "I'm sorry," I blurted without thinking, looking up to find him gazing calmly down at me. Against the sky as he was, I found myself remembering the dream even more strongly. "What is it, my Lord?"

"There are fish in the river nearby. If you need to eat, do so now."

A smile appeared on my face. That was Lord Sesshoumaru's way of telling me it was time for lunch. Master Jaken blustered angrily about having yet another delay, but my Lord silenced him with an icy glare. As I hurried to catch myself a meal, I saw Lord Sesshoumaru gather wood and order Master Jaken to start a fire.

One quarter hour later found my Lord, Master Jaken, Ah-Un and myself all surrounding the fire. I ate my fish like it was my last meal. It's odd how I often don't feel hungry until I actually smell something I like.

"What do you daydream about so much, Rin?"

I gazed across the fire at Lord Sesshoumaru, who sat propped against a tree with his hand draped carelessly across his bent knee. Had I heard him correctly? Usually he never inquires about my thoughts or feelings...I had merely assumed he knew by my scent. He has always been able to read me like a book, as if my face and eyes told him a new story each day. It felt strange to have him actually ask.

"Um...a lot of things, actually." I replied, blushing.

"Such as...?"

The clump of fish I swallowed went down wrong and made me cough. I managed to gag it back up and swallow it properly, and quickly gulped some water to clear my throat. My face burned hotter than the fire.

My Lord turned his head, "Jaken, go see if there are any fruits Rin can eat."

Master Jaken leapt to his feet, eager for a chance at returning to Lord Sesshoumaru's 'good' side. "Yes, m'lord! Right away!" and he was gone into the bushes. Ah-Un wisely trudged after him.

Lord Sesshoumaru's gleaming amber eyes leveled with mine. "Now," he whispered, resting his elbow on his knee and settling his chin on his palm, "What is it that you dream of?"

Burning now from head to toe, I let my focus slip off my Lord's eyes and drift gently towards his small, endearing lips. As usual they showed neither smile nor sneer. His gaze left me naked of everything but my soul, and I had nothing with which to cover myself.

I rubbed my fingers together, choosing my words carefully, "You, mostly...I had a wonderful dream about you until Master Jaken woke me up."

His lips parted long enough to pronounce, "Oh?"

Why was this so embarrassing? I've never kept _anything_ from Lord Sesshoumaru before. "It's...I...I was watching clouds in a sakura grove when you called to me." I fidgeted with the grass, dropping my eyes to my fingers, "You said you were cured of the growth and you..." my throat clutched. I closed my eyes and blurted it out, "You smiled and asked me to marry you."

I felt rather than saw him arch a slender brow, "And what did you say?"

"...I said yes, of course." I forced myself to meet his eyes, "I would say yes if you asked me right now, too. Though I know you won't."

Lord Sesshoumaru's head tilted ever so slowly. So gradual that even I missed it until his bangs drifted across his moon. This movement reminded me of the way a puppy tilts his head whenever he is curious about something. Only my Lord didn't have any floppy ears to prick up. "What does it feel like?"

I blinked, "What does what feel like?"

"Love." the word sounded foreign coming from his lips and voice. "What does it feel like to you?"

"Ummm..." how would I describe this to him? It's just...I _knew_ I loved him. For a time I struggled with what to say, until finally I just started saying what came to mind. "It's like...feeling as though you need someone the way you need food. But me...my heart pounds and my insides feel too large for my body. Sometimes it feels like I'm about to cry and sometimes my body seems full of butterflies. Love means you want nothing more than to make sure the one you love is happy, comfortable and safe. It consumes your heart." I paused when he arched the other eyebrow so that both were up. "I'm sorry, my Lord, that is the best I can describe this feeling. Why do you ask?"

"I was..." Lord Sesshoumaru sat up straight, "...curious. Just as I was curious about what death felt like."

"Mm," I wrinkled my nose, "Funny how you say that with such an emotionless face."

He stretched slightly, then sighed and added a few sticks to the fire "Emotion is as easy to resist as hunger pains or sexual desires."

"Are you like that because of how your mother died?" As soon as I said that, I covered my mouth with both hands. I hadn't meant to ask that out loud!

My Lord's eyes flickered. He nodded once. "Yes."

"Why?"

He settled his chin back onto his palm. "If I choose not to feel, I avoid the pain." His eyes drifted back to mine, "Rin, will you cry for me when I die?"

The world missed a beat around me. His words took ages to reach my ears and ages more to make sense.

"Of course I will! I don't know if I'll ever _stop_ crying for you when you..." I gasped at how scathing his words really were. Did he realize how badly that hurt? "Would you have cried for me if it was me who was to die?"

My Lord's mouth dropped a little. He stood abruptly and patterns of sunlight splashed across his frame. His amber eyes chilled. "Why would this Sesshoumaru cry over a mortal?" and then he walked off into the trees for some privacy, leaving me alone and confused.

Later, after the patrol was over, I found my Lord standing alone in the garden, his eyes fixed on the sky. A full moon rose beside him and I had to catch my breath at how beautiful he looked in its light. The wind toyed with his hair and empty sleeve, causing both to sway gently.

During the day, he is very much a demon. At night, by moonlight, he becomes an angel.

"My Lord?"

His ear twitched, but he didn't move.

"I was thinking about what you said about your mother...and what you said happened." I covered my heart with one hand. "She knows you didn't mean to hurt her. I'm sure the first thing she'll say when you're reunited is that she forgives you."

Lord Sesshoumaru said nothing in reply, nor did he move. I watched him until the moon moved past his head. Then I turned away.

"Thank you," I heard him whisper.

o

It's been a month since that night.

Forget wondering if my son could do somersaults within my womb. I began to wonder if he would kick his way right out of my belly and onto the floor. He squirmed the most at night, mostly right when I prepared myself for sleep. I could not find a comfortable position for the both of us no matter how hard I tried. My belly was quite large, often to the point that I felt like I didn't have enough room for breathing and lying on my back resulted in deadened legs.

Being with child is not as fun as I imagined. The weight of my womb made my back ache and sometimes my feet swelled up like puffer fish. I spent many afternoons sitting down with my feet propped up on Lord Sesshoumaru's leg - and he never complained or deterred me.

All thoughts vanished. My baby had the hiccups, which felt to me like a tiny earthquake under my skin.

"Soukenmaru," I rubbed my hand in circles around my bulging womb, "I need to sleep. Can you please settle down in there?"

My son's reply came as the outline of a foot moving across my belly. They always appear above my belly button, but wouldn't that mean he was upside down inside me?

Footsteps passed my room. I heard the click of a tray settling down. Pulling on a yukata to protect my decency, I opened the door to find rice soup, sushi and warm tea that smelled delicious. Just what I was craving! I also spotted a shadow within the shadows a short ways down the corridor.

"Master Jaken, is that you out there?"

The shadow stopped. "Lord Sesshoumaru suggested I bring you something that might settle the baby down."

I couldn't help but smile, "Would you like to feel him kick?"

Master Jaken's eyes flickered in the dim light. He came reluctantly forward, shifting his staff to his left hand and reaching out with his right. Soukenmaru always kicked for my Lord, but his movements stopped as soon as Master Jaken's hand touched my belly. I had to laugh.

"Maybe he doesn't like you," I teased.

"Nonsense! I happen to be excellent with children!" Master Jaken put his ear to my bulging womb and clicked his beak, "I know you're in there..."

WHAM!

Master Jaken was so surprised he fell over backwards, his eyes bulging out of his head. This time I laughed pretty loud, "He isn't even born yet and he already likes to kick you in the head like Lord Sesshoumaru does!"

The little toad demon saw the humor in it, and laughed as well while rubbing the back of his head. We both guffawed so much that neither of us heard another fusama slide open, nor did we notice the form standing within its frame.

"What is all this noise?" asked Lord Sesshoumaru.

I faced the door and my giggles quickly ceased. Unlike me, my Lord did not see the need to cover himself. He stood naked in the doorway, this time without any shadows to cover him. My dark-adjusted eyes saw _everything_. Oh...that man - no, demon - has such a perfect body. My heart pounded and I started to feel like I did when he prepared me for our mating. I blinked when I realized what part of his anatomy I had been staring at all this time and quickly jerked my eyes to meet his blank face.

"I'm sorry, my Lord...we didn't mean to wake you. It's just..." I blushed, "our son kicked Master Jaken in the head."

Lord Sesshoumaru stepped out of his room. I held my breath when his naked form came closer to me. He placed a hand across the top of my bulging womb. "Jaken, go to bed." When Master Jaken did so, my Lord spoke again, "Open your robe."

I obeyed without question. I easily felt his body heat, he is always warmer than a human, and blushed when I felt something leak from my teats. My Lord caught some on his finger, sniffed and tasted it. He nodded to himself, settling his hand back on my belly, only this time below my navel.

"His head is down," my Lord's golden eyes met mine. "He will not be breech, that is a good thing."

If my face burned any hotter, it would ignite. "I feel so silly to ask this, but how will I know it is time for the birth?"

He tilted his head, "I know nothing about human birth, save that it comes as pains that get more intense over time." He gazed up now, his face extremely serious, "You must alert me right away if you think you are in labor, as we will need to find a safe place for you to give birth. Do you understand?"

I nodded slowly, my eyes wide. Then I smiled and, forgetting we were naked, embraced him. I loved he contrast between his soft skin and silken hair. My belly was an obstacle and I had to turn sideways to hold him properly. Lord Sesshoumaru did not return or deter my embrace. His burning skin was soft against mine. It...it felt so right.

"I love you, my Lord." I said against his chest. Perhaps the words would reach his heart if I whispered them directly to it. Tears gathered in my eyes, blurring his image when I looked up, "Even if the rest of the world doesn't, I do."

Lord Sesshoumaru drew back towards his bedroom door. "Your food is getting cold. Eat." he said just before sliding the door shut.

I did as he said and hurried back into my room. When morning came, I was overcome with an intense urge to clean and organize everything in sight. My room, my Lord's room, the kitchen...I spent the entire morning on my knees, scrubbing floors and washing clothes! Lord Sesshoumaru often stood in the doorway of whichever space I was cleaning and watched, his expression somewhat amused.

That afternoon, he asked me to clean the entire castle, and I was very happy to do so. I finished at sunset and found my Lord asleep in his bed. His features seemed painted on and his hair was a pale silver shape in the orange twilight. I noticed his mouth was open. He would pant several times and stop breathing completely for a moment. Then he'd take many deep, labored breaths and repeat the pattern all over again. I never heard him make such painful sounds before.

Once, I saw a sick fox in the forest. It made those exact same noises right before it died.

"Lord Sesshoumaru?" I whispered from the door. No reply. I padded to his bedside. He didn't so much as twitch when I sat down beside his futon and took his hand. It was so cold. Tears welled in my eyes. I held his palm to my cheek and rocked back and forth, terrified by the rattling in his chest. "Please don't die now..."

My Lord rolled over onto his side. I let go of his hand and pulled the blankets up to his shoulder. He grabbed my wrist. Faster than a snake strike! Suddenly, he sat up, hissing, his eyes blazing red. Just as he had the first time we met.

I rocked back. "Oh!"

"Rin?" his eyes went back to normal. He winced and eased himself down onto his back. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry, Lord Sesshoumaru! I didn't mean to wake you." I fidgeted, "You were breathing like a dying forest animal...I was...I was frightened that you were leaving me."

My Lord clutched at his abdomen and frowned. Sweat beaded up on his skin. His voice came out slightly strained, "Your concern is unnecessary. I refuse to die before I'm ready."

He was in pain.

I left his side briefly to fill a bowl with cool water and tore a piece of linen into strips. I seated myself cross-legged where I was sitting before, wet a cloth strip in the bowl and used it to gently pat his damp brow and cheeks. He made no attempt to deter my actions. His eyes remained on my face the entire time...I felt his golden gaze burning into the edges of my eyelids.

"Do you think I will be a good mother?" I asked.

Lord Sesshoumaru turned his face to my middle. The light played a cruel trick that made the bones in his face stand out in sharp relief. He looked so...so sick and exhausted. I saw his eyelashes tremble. He touched my swollen belly and Soukenmaru stretched in response.

"It will all be over soon," my Lord said. Then he rolled over onto his side and went back to sleep. He lapsed into the same terrifying breathing patterns from before.

I spent the night moistening his lips when they became too dry. If he was going to die that night, I didn't want him to be alone.

Sleep stole me away somewhere near dawn. I awoke the next afternoon in my Lord's empty futon, surrounded by the rose petal scent of his hair.

I found Lord Sesshoumaru sitting in the garden, watching the fish in the pond. The sun was in his hair, making it seem more blinding white than silver. He wore only his unbound red and white kimono, his chest moving against the parted silk. I saw no signs of his armor. Even his pelt was missing. I don't think he bathed upon rising. It was the most unkempt I had ever seen him, and I found that very distressing.

He reached up to squeeze his left shoulder and hissed. Considering the poor position he slept in last night, I wasn't surprised that he had a cramp. Without comment I knelt behind him, brushed his beautiful hair aside and began to massage his shoulders. They were stiff like river stones.

Neither of us spoke for awhile. Lord Sesshoumaru leaned into my hands with a tired sigh. I squeezed all the way down his arms...or rather his arm...and made my way slowly to the base of his skull. He tilted his head down to grant me better access.

"Rin," his voice rumbled through his back. He grunted when I kneaded a particularly tight muscle.

I pressed my thumbs against the sore spot, trying to make it release. "Yes, my Lord?"

"Don't let Soukenmaru become like me."

Lord Sesshoumaru shrugged free of my massage and made his way into the study. I stared after him, my lips trembling.

o

"...so after Master Jaken caught the fish, it slapped him with its tail and got away!"

"Rin!" Master Jaken shot me an indignant glare, "You know full well that fish escaped because _you_ distracted me!"

I laughed and waddled past Ah-Un to catch up with my Lord, who was walking a ways ahead. Running became a near impossibility, I always lost my balance. "No...you took too long. Right, Lord Sesshoumaru? You saw it too. Master Jaken fishes like an old lady!"

Lord Sesshoumaru ignored the both of us. He tended to be serious during his patrols. Ever since he finished all his letters and wills, he has had more free time to roam his lands. I'm beginning to think he missed being outside and is just catching up. I fell into step beside my Lord, watching how his hair swished and the way his stripes resembled twin slashes on his high cheekbone. He kept his eyes focused forever ahead, pupils mere slits against the bright sun.

We were just coming from a human village. As Lord Sesshoumaru said many months previous, I was met with cruelty the moment I set foot within its borders. I had hoped to buy myself a roll of fabric with which to make myself a new kimono. No merchant would come near me. They called me a dirty bitch and a demon's whore. Even though I entered alone, the village miko sensed my son's aura and turned me away. Only then did Lord Sesshoumaru step in and demand the people cooperate.

I gained the lovely purple silk I wanted, and Lord Sesshoumaru earned himself a headache. He was not feeling very well that day...this morning I saw him passing blood from both ends at the same time. I don't think he knew I saw him, or if he does he hasn't brought it up. It was an awful sight. I would have given anything to hold his hand.

It is amazing how fast the seasons had changed under my nose. The morning star rises before dawn and returns as the evening star in time for dusk. Spring warmth blazed into summer heat that is rapidly dissipating. Occasionally I'll see one or two leaves turning shades of red and orange.

Argh...

"My Lord? I need to go."

He stopped. "I need to mark. Jaken, you hold Ah-Un's reins."

The little toad didn't protest...thankfully. I dashed behind a tree while Lord Sesshoumaru approached the white boulder.

Ooh, it felt so good to relieve myself. I've been feeling fleeting pressure in my tailbone and belly all morning. It comes and goes. Even the act of relieving myself just made me feel it more. I blame it on me sleeping with my knees pressed too hard against my bulging womb, though doing so seems to ease the baby's kicks. Laying that way also pushes him against my bowels, causing indigestion and flatulence.

So far, I think the only good that has come out of all this is that the pressure has moved off my lungs. I can breathe deeply again!

And for all that discomfort I had while joking with Master Jaken, I only let out less than a teacup's worth of water. So vexing! I cleaned up and hurried back to Master Jaken. Lord Sesshoumaru was a ways off, walking slowly as he did his business against the border-boulder. How can he walk and...do that...at the same time? I think I saw blood in it too, which worried me. Peeing blood can't be good.

I leaned back against Ah-Un's flank and drank generously from my flask. Lord Sesshoumaru joined up with us before I finished. He arched a brow at me, but said nothing. We resumed walking. Nobody said anything for awhile, though that wasn't something I minded too much. I spent the time daydreaming about my Lord's smile. Then I had to stop again and empty my bowels, which brought on _immense_ relief. It seems my body is trying to get rid of everything I have eaten in the past day. Quite uncomfortable. On the bright side...the grass will grow greener under the tree I used.

"My Lord?" I caught up to Lord Sesshoumaru, keeping my voice too low for Master Jaken's ears. My Lord didn't turn, but nodded and tilted his ear more to me. I continued, "I saw you marking and...is it getting painful for you to empty?"

"Everything is painful, Rin." was all he said in reply.

If I was really honest with myself...he has lost weight, I only noticed when I felt his hand. It does not feel full and fleshy like it used to, and I can see the veins under the skin. I couldn't before.

We settled in a clearing for an early lunch. Lord Sesshoumaru surprised me by producing a small sack of rice and seaweed from Ah-Un's saddle. I thanked him graciously and hurried off to go fish, and made everyone fresh sushi. My Lord had me eat his portion as well as mine. Master Jaken devoured his without even chewing.

"Jaken."

The toad youkai looked up, "Yes, m'lord?"

"Scout ahead for awhile." Lord Sesshoumaru leaned back against the tree, his voice almost a sigh. "Report any tracks or markings that do not belong on my lands. You have an hour."

"Shouldn't you - "

He threw a rock at Master Jaken's head, hitting him between the eyes. "_Go_, Jaken. _Now_."

Master Jaken scrambled up and prostrated himself, "Y-Yes, right away! I'll see you in an hour!" and a deathly glare from my Lord sent him running faster than I ever thought possible.

Lord Sesshoumaru rolled onto his knees and heaved behind the tree. It was a horrible, choking, wet sound. Cringing, I climbed to my feet and walked over. I lifted his hair, holding it and his empty kimono sleeve gently out of the way while he vomited bright red blood all over the grass. He looked as he did the first time I saw this - crimson stains all around his nose and mouth. Only the most violent retching can push matter through both the mouth _and _nose. The rest came from what splashed back every time he heaved.

"Go away," he coughed a few times, "I don't want you to see me like this."

"I already have." I said in reply. "And I don't think anything less of you, my Lord. Please, you should not have to suffer like this alone."

My Lord said nothing, nor would he meet my eyes. He remained hunched over, head down, his weight balanced on his single arm. I rubbed his back while he dry heaved, his face twisting up in utter agony. It took ages to coax his head up so I could clean the blood from his face. Then I combed his hair the best I could with my fingers. I did everything I could to mend his battered pride and ensure he remained beautiful.

Lord Sesshoumaru rested for a while, but not before washing his mouth and throat out with some of my water. Propped against a tree as he was, I think he took a few short naps, waking occasionally to see if Master Jaken returned or not. Either that or he was doing the death-breathing while awake.

My belly tightened four times during that hour. I experienced no pain other than a slight ache in my back and between my breasts. The fourth one occurred as I bent to douse the campfire. My bladder suddenly released itself, and no amount of squeezing those muscles stopped its flow. I pulled my kimono out of the way and quickly sat down, red-faced, as little gushes of wet warmth soaked into the grass. I was close enough to the embers that the smell was disguised, saving myself the embarrassment. A grown woman wetting herself, how humiliating!

Lord Sesshoumaru stirred just as Master Jaken padded back to camp. "Report."

Master Jaken frowned, but wasted no time. "Inuyasha, the demon slayer called Sango and that miko, Kagome, were present during my survey. The miko inquired about your condition. They are setting up camp outside your borders and plan to spend the night."

Ahh, they were the survivors of Inuyasha's little gathering. The monk, the fire-cat and the little kitsune...I have not seen them since the battle with Naraku.

So Kagome could still travel between times, I originally thought such only occurred if one possessed Sacred Jewel shards. I think she returns because she is in love with Inuyasha. Sometimes, I wish she hadn't used the Sacred Jewel's wish to free Midoriko's soul, because I would have used it to save my Lord.

"Rin, we are leaving." Lord Sesshoumaru pushed himself up, his tight lips betraying his pain. He appeared annoyed to face Inuyasha on yet another bad day. "Leave the uneaten food here and come along."

I flushed brow to chin and stood up. Though the flow had mostly stopped, I still felt the occasional gush while I walked. Fortunately for me, nobody paid any attention to my wet feet or the soaked grass as I waddled along. The next time my body tightened, I felt it all through my back and belly, and it ached a little before it released. The last one took forty walking steps to go away. This one took fifty. I did not feel very well anymore, but feared the anger I would face if I complained.

"...back for another beating?"

I jerked my head up at Inuyasha's voice. Sesshoumaru's retort came too soft for my ears, but I saw his lips move. He said something that made the hanyou bare his teeth.

The miko, Kagome, jumped to her feet. She wore a strange, tight blue hakama and a purple upper garment that bared her arms. I think she is one of the prettiest women I know of. I smiled and waved at her when she came closer.

"Rin? Ohmygosh! It's been ages!" Kagome left Inuyasha and her other friend behind to approach me. She was prettier than I remember last. Will I ever be that attractive when I'm her age? "Wow, look at you! Jaken wasn't kidding when he said you were ready to pop!"

"Mm, yes, I am getting large." I looked down at myself. My size did not allow anything other than loose kimonos or yukatas. Lord Sesshoumaru once let me borrow one of his kimonos, but it was only once due to all my other clothes being washed.

Seriousness overcame the miko's tanned face. She took my hands in hers and gazed into my eyes, "Sesshoumaru looks awful, Rin." and we both glanced at my Lord as he leaned against a rock. He would surely collapse if the rock suddenly disappeared. I doubt Inuyasha noticed - their exchanging words continued without fail. "Is he okay? How are you handling it?"

"It's - " the wave crested and I had to pause for the pain, "he prefers to be alone when he is not well like this. Not each day is spent pale as he is now."

Kagome watched me in what I assumed was concern. Behind her, Lord Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha and Sango eyed each other suspiciously. Master Jaken paced incessantly, babbling under his breath about stupid humans smelling up 'his' Lord's lands. My Lord gave an order that sent him scurrying off into the underbrush to collect Ah-Un and return home.

The miko gave my hands a squeeze and said, "I've talked to Inuyasha a bit." she smiled, "I convinced him to give Sesshoumaru something he's owed him for a long time."

I bit my lip. "Really?"

"Uh-huh." But she would not disclose exactly what it was. Instead, she eyed me up and down. "Now...how long have you been having contractions?"


	5. Hello

o 

_Where it was dark now there's light_   
_Where there was pain now there's joy_   
_Where there was weakness, I found my strength_   
_All in the eyes of a boy_. 

Celine Dion, "A New Day Has Come" 

o 

**The Last Day**   
**Chapter five**   
**"Hello."**

o 

I was quite confused, and raised an eyebrow at the miko. "...contractions?" 

Kagome blinked at me. Then she shook her head and smiled, "Rin, you're in labor. The squeezing and pains you feel are contractions. The bottom of your uterus...er...womb...is opening up so you will be able to push your baby out. Just...hey, come here." She tugged me out of sight of the others and looked at a strange object wrapped around her wrist. "tell me when you feel one start, and try to relax when it comes on." 

"Right now," I winced a little, feeling as though my menses were flowing. Trying to relax and physically doing so, I discovered, were two very, very, very different things. 

The miko watched the item on her wrist until I told her the discomfort had passed. She looked up, "It's lasting about ninety seconds. I need you to tell me when you feel the next one, okay?" 

I nodded solemnly. Kagome beckoned for me to join her and Sango so the men could 'get over their differences'. I noticed Sango's hair was longer than ever and she wasn't carrying her massive boomerang weapon. Kagome whispered to her, which made her smile over at me. 

"Wow, really? Rin, does it hurt a lot?" 

"Only when it is tightened to its fullest," I said blandly. Funny how I lost all desire for conversation. All I wanted was to lose myself in another daydream. 

Inuyasha vanished through a portal, startling me. I was not watching fully. Just...so suddenly he was there and gone! This portal floated dangerously close to Lord Sesshoumaru. I nearly jumped up in alarm, however, the two women pulled me back to settle me down. I feared the vortex would swallow my Lord, too. 

I felt another squeeze. Soukenmaru kicked me at the same time. "Kagome, I feel another one." 

She nodded and wrote something on white parchment. Turning to me, she smiled. "Five minutes since the last one. If they stay this regular, it's possible you'll see your baby pretty soon. Do you want me to tell Sesshoumaru for you?" 

"Mm..." I shook my head. Focusing on speech proved most difficult. "not until my next one." 

The portal yawned open again, distorting the air which it occupied into an angry black swirl. I watched Inuyasha's red-clad form emerge. "Here." He sneered at my Lord and tossed something white at his feet. The distortion shrank to a sparkling point that fell into the hanyou's eye. "A dad should have both arms to hold his kid," he snarled, "Now we're even. You don't owe me shit, Sesshoumaru." 

Lord Sesshoumaru's eyes widened noticeably. He watched his brother suspiciously even as he bent down to pick up the severed limb. Lowering his kimono, he pressed the arm to his stump and growled in pain. The line where his stump joined his arm glowed white, fading into a jagged scar that resembled a tattoo. He pulled his kimono back up, flexed his left hand and looked over at me. I couldn't read the odd light in his eyes. Disbelief, perhaps even shock? 

I have only known my Lord with one arm. Seeing him with two looked foreign to me. I was actually going to miss seeing the wind play with his empty sleeve. 

"Inuyasha." 

The hanyou turned to his demon brother. 

"It is over," my Lord said cryptically. His eyes returned to me, even as he continued to flex and move his left hand. 

"Keh." Inuyasha stomped over to stop in front of me. I followed his baggy red hakama up to his tan face, a bit startled by the strange softness in his eyes. He parted his lips and, with effort, blurted out, "Sorry." Then he faced Kagome and crossed his arms, "I did it. I'm going now. See you at Kaede's." 

His friends bid him a fond farewell. He sneered and leapt off into the trees. 

I alerted Kagome to another contraction and pushed myself upright. It was less painful to stand and walk than it was to sit. This low, agonizing moan washed over my ears, only after it stopped did I realize it was I who made the awful sound. 

Sango caught my hand in her callused one. "Rin, you should let him know. That looked rough." 

"I think I will." I picked my way towards Lord Sesshoumaru. He was still staring at his left hand, his pale, sweaty face utterly incredulous as to what happened. I touched my palm against his upturned left one. I wanted him to feel me. "My Lord?" 

His beautiful eyes focused on mine. 

"I'm in labor. Our son is coming...today." 

Lord Sesshoumaru touched my shoulders. His face was a mix of pain and content, almost as though he was not sure which to feel first. He knit his eyebrows, "How strong are your pains?" 

"They are - " the next one came like a violent wave that crested faster than I could prepare. I leaned against my Lord's chest, unable to speak until it completed itself. " - it is difficult to speak during one. They are getting stronger. I think I was in labor all day, and it only became painful after I..." I blushed, "after I wet myself." 

"You didn't pee on yourself," it was Kagome who spoke, "trust me. I watched my mom have my little brother and she did the same thing...ruined her favorite maternity dress, too." 

Soukenmaru kicked me _hard_ in the ribs, forcing me to rub my belly in attempt to comfort him. Surely all this squeezing had to be frightening to him. I felt my son twist and settle down. My next contraction stole the focus from my eyes and jarred me to the core. I moaned against my Lord's chest. He quite literally had to hold me upright. 

Sango joined us by the rock, her dark hair swishing against her shoulders. She frowned at my tense expression. "Guys, we should get her somewhere less open. This is going to pick up pretty quick here and I don't think we want the smell of blood attracting unwanted attention." 

I couldn't answer. 

"Kaede's place is the closest. Sesshoumaru?" 

"Very well," Lord Sesshoumaru's voice vibrated through his chest plate. His arm...ARMS...lifted me as easily as a feather. Kagome and Sango told him to put me down and let me walk if I felt like it. I did feel like walking, but pretended not to...it just felt so nice to have my Lord's arms around me. I relaxed as best I could, laying my head on his shoulder. 

Sango and Kagome kept looking back and smiling at us. 

I remember little of the time between the Western borders and Lady Kaede's hut. Wonderful as it was to lie in my Lord's arms, the positioning made my pains worse. If that was not embarrassing enough...I dribbled fluid all through my kimono. My bottom and back became sopping wet. 

My Lord knelt and placed me gently on the floor inside a cozy hut. As soon as I was down, I wailed and jumped up to stand. I wound up pulling Lord Sesshoumaru's hair, growling as the pain wrapped around my middle. I pulled so hard that he winced! As the pain passed he looked up at me with two giant tangles on either side of his head. 

"Sorry! I'm sorry, my Lord! I'll fix it..." I rushed to undo the knots I created. Lord Sesshoumaru said nothing, nor did he make any efforts to deter me. 

"Oh, my, she is well on her way," another figure joined Kagome and Sango outside. "Ye say Sesshoumaru is in there?" 

I stopped listening. It was easier to deal with the pains if I swayed side to side and moaned. Lord Sesshoumaru remained silent, the sole sign of his presence being his quiet breathing. He held me up only if I happened to lean on him instead of the wall. During one pain I clutched onto his armor and dragged it down off his body. My Lord used his foot to push the armor aside while I buried my face against his chest. He smelled so wonderful, so familiar, like silk, salt and roses. 

"M'lord...I need to look at her," said Lady Kaede's rich voice. 

"Wait." he replied. 

When the ache tapered away, I could turn and face the old miko's single eye. Lady Kaede smiled warmly and brushed the sweat-soaked hair off my face for me. She was so kind that I willingly undressed for her, though I covered myself with a blanket while she gently probed my bulging belly. 

"I see ye bag of waters has broken." 

"Is that bad?" 

She cupped my cheek with a wrinkled, callused hand, "No, it is a very good thing. Ye will still labor for a while yet, but I am quite sure ye will have a child in your arms by sundown." 

Sundown seemed like an eternity away. 

My pains went from just an ache to the stinging, burning, cramping agony that often entailed eating bad food, save that it all seemed contained in my tailbone and belly, each one spiraling through me and stealing my breath. The power of speech left me at their onset and did not return until the pain ceased. My demeanor was fine each time they ended. Between pains I often sipped a yellow liquid that Kagome referred to as "Gator-ade", and it tasted quite nice! 

"I think he will have your feet," I told Lord Sesshoumaru, smiling at his arched eyebrow. "He kicked Master Jaken, so he must have your feet." 

"I don't see why you would mention such a thing," my Lord replied coolly. 

"Hm, I dunno, Rin..." Kagome appeared beside me, also wearing a smile, "He has awfully big, fat feet." 

"Noooo," I panted, "his feet are pretty!" 

Lord Sesshoumaru turned his gaze towards the door. "This Sesshoumaru wants no part of your discussion." 

My face scrunched and Kagome checked the object on her wrist - called a watch, if I remember correctly. I had forgotten she was timing my contractions, which, according to her, were three minutes apart and lasting ninety seconds. All I knew was my body kept trying to force my ribs into my pelvis and I had too many innards in the way. I found that rubbing my fingers together and rocking my body back and forth helped lessen the discomfort. 

I did not want my Lord out of my sight. I was so intent on keeping him near that I clutched his hakama each time he so much as moved his leg towards the door. 

Lord Sesshoumaru leaned forward. His moon was perfect to focus on. He spoke to me and I struggled to understand his words, but I was in pain again and his speech sounded foreign to me. I let myself fall into his moon, rise back out through his eyes and drift back into myself. He was saying the same word over and over. 

"Breathe." 

"There, great, just keep reminding her," Kagome repeated. "Get this under her and make sure she goes." 

My Lord guided me to sit on a bowl. He told me to empty myself if I needed to, and I did, not caring that he watched. I no longer had modesty, I could have walked outside in front of a dozen men and not noticed. Everything I ate that day poured out in a rush. Some of my agony diminished. Cool, wrinkled hands used a warm cloth to wipe me clean. The bowl was removed and I became content enough to remain squatting for the next wave. 

Kagome, Sango and Lady Kaede were moving about the hut, adjusting a futon here, pouring tea there, mostly watching me. 

Time continued without me. Shadows were small to non-existent when I entered the hut, and now they stretched eastward. Where did all that time go? 

I soon found myself being pounded into submission from within. My earlier pains were mere bee stings compared to what I experienced next. This agony, this utter, awful agony, left me freezing cold inside while my skin burned. I saw spots and lights and heard blood roar through my ears. 

"...get up and walk..." said my Lord, his voice going in and out of my hearing. His hands grasped my shoulders...when had I fallen? "...need to stay upright..." The hands came again, mixing with pieces of speech that reached me in a disjointed jumble. "Breathe...up...Rin...walk this way...it will end...water?" 

This pain passed just in time for another to begin. I shrieked, "My Lord, with all due respect, **_SHUT UP!_**" 

Lord Sesshoumaru clamped his mouth shut and frowned, but I cared not if my screech hurt his ears. There was only aching on top of pain between ripples of agony. 

"Whoa..." said Sango from far away, "she means business." 

"Too much noise!" I wailed. And then I collapsed to lay on my side. I started to whimper. There was no relief! Everything I knew became a giant fist crushing my innards into sludge. I forgot why I hurt, I just knew that I hurt. The pains ripped a white line down my body that spread out into an all consuming agony chrysalis. All I could do was tremble, scream and cry. "This pain is too strong! AAH! I can't do this anymore! I want to die...I want to die! Take it away! My Lord! Help me, my Lord! Please take this pain away!" 

My Lord fixed me in his cool stare, "You know full well that I can not do that." 

"YES YOU CAN!" I shouted. I may have said more, then a contraction cut me off, so I settled for butting my head into his chest instead of speaking. 

His voice continued, unhindered by my banging into him. "Rin. Breathe, deep breaths. Fill your lungs." 

I shot my hands out, grabbing a handful of my Lord's hakama. My fingers found something solid and squeezed with crushing force. 

Lord Sesshoumaru's eyes began to cross. He doubled over me, fisting his fingers in my hair. "R-Rin...I..." he was choking on his words, "...do not think t-taking your...p-pain out what gave you this child will..." my grip tightened uncontrollably, making his voice squeak, "...HELP matters any...k-kindly release me..." but I could not let go, and Sango had to pry my hands off. 

My poor Lord...he sat there in a most undignified position, gasping and holding himself. His left eye twitched. From then on, each time he sat down, he swept the end of his pelt across his lap. 

Lady Kaede, Sango and Kagome surrounded me. Their movements left glowing trails through my dimming eyesight. One offered me a blanket, but I threw it off. Then I wanted it back...and then I flung it off again. I vomited up the fluids I drank earlier. Most of it landed in the bowl hastily placed before me, but some splashed onto Lord Sesshoumaru's sleeve. He said something to me about it. His words made no sense. I even forgot who _I_ was. 

"Sesshoumaru, short words only." said one of them, perhaps Kagome. She used a few other words I never heard before, one being 'transition'. 

"I sent Inuyasha off to boil water." Sango was saying, "We won't need it...still, it'll keep him out of our hair. The last thing we need is him complaining about how he had to watch a baby come out of someone's body." 

I loathed hearing so many voices. 

"QUIET!" 

The hut silenced. 

"Breathe," Lord Sesshoumaru whispered, his voice my greatest comfort. He took a deep breath. I mirrored him. My world became his eyes and the breath hissing in and out of his parted lips. I am so amazed that he tolerated my tendency to squeeze his arms, claw his chest or dig my nails into his hands. Some deep, crazed part of my mind wanted him to feel as awful as I did, and he willingly accepted whatever pain I inflicted upon him during my own agony. 

I soon found myself lying on my left side on a futon. I panicked, where was Lord Sesshoumaru? "My Lord? My Lord!" 

"Behind you." came his cool voice, and I grew slowly aware of him stretched out behind me. I was tucked against his warm body, his legs cradling mine and his left arm acting as a pillow. I don't know where he kept his right. He went on, "You were senseless and the old miko suggested I move you." 

The world disappeared again. He breathed in my ear to tell me I was still alive. I felt Kagome and Sango rub my feet and hands. Someone placed a cool cloth across my brow. Whoever did so also rubbed it all over my back and across my aching belly. I _loved_ that until the contraction came back. They were peaking twice, the second peak more painful than the first. The pain spread to my breasts, shoulders and legs, and I cried out in distress as each one reappeared. 

Clarity gradually swirled back into being. The world solidified. My pains tapered and released. I opened my eyes, gasping, sweating, trying to remember my place in time. Had all that agony been a nightmare? 

"Water," I croaked. 

Sango brought it. She reminded me that I had to sit up before I could drink. Lady Kaede helped me empty my bladder again, which was a blessed relief. I blushed when I realized I was naked, but it did not bother me as much as I first thought. 

My greatest shock came when Kagome informed me that I had passed this 'transition' in just over a quarter hour. A quarter hour? It felt like centuries! 

Fate would only grant me a brief reprieve. I soon experienced a slow, tight, gnawing pain that spread across my spine. I moaned through it, letting the wave pass. It came again after a time, bringing with it a sudden urge to pass my bowels. I tried to push myself up in the same instant my navel caved in. I feared I would soil the futon. "I need to empty myself." 

Kagome approached, "You feel like pushing, you mean?" 

Another wave, different, gentler, but still painful. I felt myself bear down without willing my body to do so. Well if they weren't going to bring me a bowl, I was going to empty on the floor! I squatted and prepared to do just that. 

Lord Sesshoumaru grasped my arm. "Rin?" 

"Ah! Rin, hold on." Kagome jumped up, "Sango, Kaede! Hurry! I think the baby is on its way! Rin," she rushed back to my side, "Pant, don't push yet. Sesshoumaru?" 

From behind me, "Yes?" 

"If you want to be part of this, stay there and help her push when it's time - Rin, try not to push yet!" 

"I can't - " I winced, " - help it!" 

Lord Sesshoumaru sat on his knees behind me, his hands on my shoulders to hold me up. I rested against the slant of his lap and leaned back against his warmth. Seeing his white clothing on the edges of my sight made me strong. I can do anything when my Lord is near. 

"My Lord...I will stain your hakama - " 

"Clothes can be washed, Rin." he replied. "Worry not." 

The bamboo flap opened and Sango...who I don't recall leaving before...and Lady Kaede finally appeared. Inuyasha vocally refused to come in. "I don't wanna see a bloody head pop out of a woman's crotch," were his exact words. He blustered on about the boiled water. I ignored him for the most part, focusing instead on Lady Kaede gently nudging my knees apart. 

"I don't see the head yet." 

Sango's hair flashed as she gathered blankets and, after asking my Lord to part his knees, placed them under my bottom. I soon found myself half-squatting, half-sitting between Lord Sesshoumaru's legs. His patience amazed me. I never imagined he would be so...good to me...during all this pain. I had always imagined him waiting outside, only returning after the baby cried out. 

Kagome leaned over, her face bright and smiling. "All right, Rin, it's time to help your baby into the world. Push whenever you get the urge." 

I did not need to wait long. The urge was an unmistakable pressure right where I pass bowels. My belly began to cave in and I grabbed my Lord's knees while I pushed down with it. Ooh, it felt so good! I was once again managing my own body. 

"Pushpushpushpush...tuck your chin down - " Kagome continued to encourage me, "there you go!" 

The urge passed. I relaxed to catch my breath, letting my head rest against my Lord's fluffy pelt. Each time I glanced up, I found his impassive eyes glittering in the shadow of his parted bangs. Those glowing, twin pools of gold became my world. I stared into them between pushes. I soon discovered that Lord Sesshoumaru was bearing down with me, though I am not sure he was conscious of his doing so. 

My awareness of time distorted. I believed hours passed between each urge. I drifted between pain and effort, pushing with all my might some of the time and only breathing the next. 

After eternity swept by and came back, I felt my baby move down. My belly reminded me of an orange after the juice had been squeezed out. Pressure settled into the same space my Lord filled when he mated with me. 

"I can see the head!" Kagome exclaimed, "Lots of silver hair." 

Sango brushed the sweat from my brow. "Rin, reach down between your legs." 

I did so. Wet, slippery softness greeted my fingers. My baby's head! "My Lord! I feel his head! I touched our son!" 

"Soon," he whispered, using a tone I never heard before, "you will be holding him." 

The instant I stopped bearing down, Soukenmaru's head retreated. Lady Kaede, Sango and Kagome all uttered comforting words, telling me such was normal and I need not fear for my baby's life. I relaxed to breathe. Kagome offered me a mouthful of that delicious "Gator-ade", which I greedily drank. 

So many emotions rushed through me during my next push. Anticipation, fear, hope and the faintest tinges of sorrow at knowing my son will no longer be inside me. 

"Oh! Oh! OH! AAH!" Sudden, shocking pain lashed my senses. It began as pressure, then heated gradually into a burning ring of fire. Agony cauterized me inside and out. I was instantly reminded of the feeling when Lord Sesshoumaru first entered me...save what now stretched me compared to a watermelon. Surely I would tear in two if this continued! 

"Good, good!" Lady Kaede leaned forward, using a finger to massage something between my legs. 

Kagome squeezed my arm, "He's crowning, Rin!" 

"He's wearing a crown?" I gasped, and the others, save for my Lord, laughed. The next little push let me feel my son slide forward more. His feet moved as though he was struggling to remain in his safe, warm, familiar womb. 

"Oh!" Now it was Sango that burst out. Her eyes were wider than a yen coin, "He has little dog ears! Kagome, look." 

"Aww!" 

Lady Kaede leaned forward. "Push, child." 

"Wait, wait..." the urge returned and I fell to its will. I was acutely aware of a wet, sliding warmth, and suddenly the burning released. Kagome pulled a mirror from her pocket and held it between my legs. I looked down and saw Soukenmaru's head! He _did_ have little white dog ears, though they were smashed into his bloodstained silver hair. His closed eyelids were red like my Lord's, a stark contrast to his bluish skin. His nose lay flattened to his face and his mouth formed a tiny line above his chin. As I watched, his little head rotated leftward and I gasped at feeling his body turn inside me. It was just so...so sensual and amazing! 

I leaned back to rest, gasping. 

"Once more." said Lady Kaede. 

Lord Sesshoumaru's arms emerged from either side of me. He cupped the baby's tiny head. With the next push, I birthed our son into his hands. Time slowed as my Lord pulled Soukenmaru's lifeless form up into full view. A red and blue coil dangled from his navel and wound down around his feet. His slick, messy hair fell to his shoulders. The parts that identified him as a little boy looked ridiculously swollen and huge. 

Soukenmaru's toothless mouth gaped. He squeezed his eyes tighter, clenched his fists and released a soft, mewling cry. His color immediately changed from blue to pink. As the blue faded, I saw my Lord's midnight moon upon his brow. 

"Our son," my Lord's voice sounded hoarse. 

I could not speak, could not think, could not hear the cheer going up around me, could not even comprehend what I just accomplished. This tiny creature was why I underwent all the pain and suffering, and I had already forgotten the agony. There was just Soukenmaru, screaming and naked, while cradled in his father's hands. 

"Our son," I repeated. "Hello." Numbly, I curved my arms to hold him. Lord Sesshoumaru placed the baby close to my chest and we both rubbed his skin to warm him. My eyes blurred and overflowed. Behind me, Lord Sesshoumaru trembled in awe. Our child continued to wail, his first cries growing stronger until they echoed throughout the hut. 

I never knew it was possible to love someone I have only just met...but I love this baby. I love him with all of my being. 

"Shhh," I brought him closer, kissing his crescent marking. "Soukenmaru...ohh, my precious little one," and his little white ears perked straight up. The cries instantly stopped. A miracle! He knew my voice! 

Kagome darted out to spread the news. Sango readied the water Inuyasha boiled earlier. Lady Kaede placed a large bowl beneath me to catch the blood oozing from my body. Though I still had some pains, I hardly noticed them in the face of what I had done. 

My Lord eased me to the ground and slid to my side. He removed his beautiful outer kimono and offered it to me, saying, "No son of mine will use human rags as his first blanket." 

Lady Kaede was kind enough to help me swaddle Soukenmaru. I'm afraid the silk stained through and through with the blood and water covering his body. I thanked her, holding him a little longer. As his hair dried, his bangs parted down the middle and fell to either side. Just like his father's. He did not seem interested in my breast yet, so I offered him to my Lord. 

The strangest look remained frozen on Lord Sesshoumaru's face. Raised eyebrows, moist eyes and parted lips, he had the appearance of someone who did not know what to say. The expression melted the moment he took Soukenmaru in his arms, sealing his world back into place. He leaned down to lick the birth fluids off Soukenmaru's eyes, and they opened. Gold met gold. 

"Hello," came my Lord's soft whisper. The droplets sitting on his bottom eyelids rolled to the inner corners of his eyes and trickled down off the end of his nose. At the same time his lips curved slowly upwards, baring the tips of his upper fangs and softening his eyes. "It is an honor to meet you, my heir." 

Warm tears escaped down my face. There it was...the smile I have daydreamed about for years...and it was more beautiful than I ever imagined. 

Soukenmaru yawned and squawked softly. Lord Sesshoumaru's smile shone briefly on me, shrinking only when he handed the baby over. "He is hungry." 

This time Soukenmaru took me into his soft little mouth and suckled greedily. I giggled at the funny slurping noises. The suckling produced more labor pains. Without thinking, I pushed down and felt a giant gush. My body was empty of everything but my soul. 

Lord Sesshoumaru bent down and ate whatever was in the bowl. He just picked it up and ate it, then chewed through the cord until the blankets halted his teeth. I worried this would hurt Soukenmaru, but his suckling rhythm remained unchanged. 

Kagome and Sango, who had just re-entered, turned a weird shade of green. They stared at my Lord as though he grew a second head. 

"He's _eating_ the afterbirth..." Sango hissed. 

"Dogs usually do." 

"As do demons." My Lord added, licking the blood off his fingers. "Since Rin is human and clearly doesn't follow this custom, the task went to me." 

"Uhhh, right!" Kagome blushed and waved a hand. She came towards me with a clean white yukata, moist cloths, undergarments and many pieces of cotton. "Carry on then, I'm just going to help Rin clean up." 

I had to laugh at Lord Sesshoumaru's indignant expression. He would not take his eyes off Sango when she lifted Soukenmaru off my chest to give him his first bath. At the same time, Kagome checked between my legs while she washed me clean. She went on to explain something called 'lochia' and how it was like menses that lasted for many weeks instead of one. I listened while she massaged my deflated belly to help ease off the bleeding a little. My eyes kept drifting towards Soukenmaru, who twisted and stretched throughout his bath. 

"I gave Kohaku his first bath," the taijya mused, "he cried the whole time, unlike this little guy." 

"Maybe he likes the water." 

She turned to me, "Could be." 

Kagome kindly helped me into the cotton-stuffed undergarments and clean yukata. She was right about the oozing sensation. I felt it every time I moved. I glanced behind me and found Lord Sesshoumaru lying on his side on the futon. Somehow, even in just his under-kimono, he still looked regal. 

Crawling over, I joined him, settling down so we were face to face. "Are you all right, my Lord?" 

He nodded his head. I had a sneaking suspicion that he was still in pain from either his afternoon vomiting or whatever I inflicted during my painful labor. 

"By the way, Rin...he does have my feet." 

I laughed. "I knew it." 

Voices talked over each other outside. Inuyasha's distinctive rasp was closest, "So where's the kid?" The flap opened and he slipped in, dog ears twitching. Lord Sesshoumaru rolled just enough to peer at his brother, giving me a view of his white throat. I looked up as well. 

"Right here," Sango turned with Soukenmaru, now clean and wrapped in a white blanket. When Inuyasha held out his hands, she placed the baby into them. "Soukenmaru, this is your uncle Inuyasha." 

My Lord snorted at this. "Uncle Inuyasha...if you drop him, the next thing to drop will be your head." 

The hanyou scowled at his brother, "Shut up, Sesshoumaru. I just wanted to see him is all." He looked down, lightly touching the tiny white ears poking through Soukenmaru's silver hair. "Heh, whaddya know..." a soft look passed through his eyes. He brought Soukenmaru to us, lowering him gently between our bodies. "Sesshoumaru?" 

Lord Sesshoumaru opened his eyes. 

"I hope he has an easier time growing up than I did." He squatted to sit like a dog. I clearly saw his worried expression when he studied my Lord's pallid face. "When will you do it?" 

"Tomorrow at sundown." came the soft, calm reply. 

Those three words from my Lord cut like a knife. Pain tied a knot around my heart. This time tomorrow, I would be watching him die. I wrapped my arms around Soukenmaru and brought him back to my breast. He latched right on. It was all I could do not to break out in tears in front of them. 

Inuyasha chewed his pouty bottom lip. "Did I ever tell you why I was so obsessed with being a full demon?" 

"How will this interest me, Inuyasha?" 

"Asshole." It was easy to see that Inuyasha had difficulty with what he wanted to say. "I did it because I wanted _you_ to accept me. I wanted to fit in. I guess that ain't gonna happen now, since Kagome used the jewel already. That's why I hope your kid doesn't get the same crap growing up." 

Lord Sesshoumaru settled his hand under Soukenmaru's chest and tried to lift him off my breast. The baby's ears flattened and his eyes glowed red. Even at a few minutes old, he was protective of his food. He went right back to nursing when my Lord stopped pulling. 

"His demon blood is clearly dominant. The Herutsuga and Tenseiga will help to keep his demon instincts from growing beyond his human side's control." 

Inuyasha nodded once, slowly. "What about Toukijin?" 

I wondered about that as well. What would my Lord do with his evil sword? It is too dangerous to be left where it could be found by any person who came along. Even I was never allowed to touch it...Lord Sesshoumaru showed me how to use a branch to move the sword if such was absolutely necessary. 

"None of your concern, little brother." Lord Sesshoumaru gazed up at the hanyou, "If there is something you wish to say, please do so. Rin will not go to sleep with us talking around her." 

Indignance made Inuyasha's thick eyebrows draw together. "I was just gonna say that I'd like to come see you after..." 

"I don't see how I would care either way." My Lord closed his eyes again, long eyelashes fluttering onto his cheekbones. "I'll be dead, I won't know if you did or did not come. I leave that up to you." 

"Keh." Flap went the bamboo. 

I focused again on Soukenmaru, watching his little nose twitch and flare. Learning our scents and the scents of the world. My gaze wandered up to find my Lord staring into my eyes. His intent stare made me blush and look at his moon. "Is something the matter, my Lord?" 

"No," he released a long sigh. "What I saw you accomplish today. I have never seen anything more amazing than the way you looked during your labor. Your hands bruised my arm...and other things." 

Lord Sesshoumaru does _not_ bruise easily. And grabbing his nether regions didn't help matters. I really had hurt him. "S-sorry!" 

"You need not be. But..." he called my eyes back when I looked away, "...I will never look at human women the same again. If you can undergo that kind of pain and survive, there is little that is impossible for you." 

Reaching forward, I took his hand. "I love you, my Lord." Funny how I can say it, yet I am afraid to show any affection beyond chaste kisses, holding his hand or embracing him. 

His eyes did not waver. He squeezed my hand and released it. "I know." Then his red eyelids slid shut, obscuring his beautiful ambers from view. His moist breath tickled against my forehead, bringing with it his silken voice. "Sleep, Rin. I will awaken you at dawn." 

I was too exhausted to protest. The moment my eyes closed, I was asleep. 


	6. Goodbye

The song "Fukai Mori" belongs to Do As Infinity. I only used a few words of it, but thought I'd give credit anyway. 

o 

_And for always, forever_   
_A thousand tomorrows_   
_may cross the sky_   
_And for always and always_   
_We will go on_   
_beyond goodbye_. 

Josh Groban and Lara Fabian, "For Always" 

o 

**The Last Day**   
**Chapter six**   
**"Goodbye."**

o 

"Rin," my Lord's voice spoke from far off, "Wake up, Rin. Morning is coming." 

I tried to pull away. This day, the last day of his life, the last day I would spend with him, had come far too soon for my liking. My sleepy mind kept telling me that if I slept a little longer, I could stop dawn from arriving. I would have voiced this thought to him, too, but Soukenmaru wailed for milk. 

Groggy, I sat up and exposed myself to let him suckle. I winced when my bottom contacted the futon. My nether regions had feeling again, and they were _sore_. 

My Lord pulled his stained kimono shirt back on and snapped his armor into place. The stains did not show, save for the small yellow mark on his left sleeve. He looked pleased to have both arms. I, on the other hand, felt a little sad. Would he allow me to groom him this final night? 

"Kagome was kind enough to give him a few diapers. He has already been changed." 

"Mmfankyou." 

Lord Sesshoumaru stood up, swished his hair off his shoulder and walked outside. The sky was still dark, though a line of gray light and the morning star indicated the awaiting dawn. I watched him stand there in the pre-dawn glow. His hair swayed and shimmered in the meager breeze. Even in the darkness his eyes were visible to me. I could not read his expression. 

He shifted away. I jumped up to peer outside. My Lord had walked towards Inuyasha, who sat perched in a tree just outside the hut. 

"Hey," the hanyou dangled his feet. "Leaving?" 

My Lord nodded. 

Inuyasha jumped down and tilted his head up to meet Lord Sesshoumaru's eyes. His brow knit. "I guess this is goodbye then." 

"For a time." said Lord Sesshoumaru, his expression stoic. "Not forever." 

That did not seem to convince Inuyasha. His eyes remained planted on the ground. I noticed his ears drooped in a way that reminded me of a sad puppy. "We've both been assholes to each other for so long. I never got to ask you where we went wrong." 

"It no longer matters, Inuyasha." 

"Heh. Guess so. How's the runt?" 

Four amber eyes focused on me. Blushing, I slid out into the crisp morning air. Soukenmaru blinked at seeing the sky for the first time. His little pupils kept opening and closing between blinks, as if his body had not yet learned how to adjust to the brief changes in light and dark. 

"He just ate, he'll probably want to sleep again soon." 

A small smile tugged Inuyasha's lips. He brushed Soukenmaru's bangs apart with a clawed finger. "I guess you were right, Sesshoumaru, you won't be gone long. This kid looks just like you." 

"He doesn't have stripes," I pointed out. 

"They will only appear when his demon blood is taking over, which I hope is a rare occurrence." Lord Sesshoumaru's eyes never left Inuyasha's hand until it moved away. "And when he loses his powers, he will look more like Rin." He raised a brow. "Inuyasha, when do you lose your powers?" 

Inuyasha smirked, "The night without a moon. When will Soukenmaru's be?" 

Lord Sesshoumaru shrugged and fixed his eyes on the horizon. I watched a reflection of the rising sun drift across his amber irises. He closed his eyes, sighed and licked his lips. "My last sunrise..." 

"My Lord, please don't say things like that." I leaned against his back, rubbing my face in his soft hair. "Please. You told me not to dwell on this, so please don't do the same." 

"Hn." 

"Oh, hey." Inuyasha reached into his robe and produced a clear sack full of brown and red...something. I saw shapes resembling bones, chicken legs and a piece of flat meat smashed between two round slices of bread. He tossed it to my Lord. "Kagome brings these back. They aren't human food and they're great. Might as well share." 

Lord Sesshoumaru caught the sack in his left hand. It appeared little more than a clear membrane. He pulled the top open and lowered his nose, his nostrils flaring. His eyes blinked. He plucked a red bone shape and gave it a curious lick. Before I could ask, he popped it into his mouth and bit down. Whatever it was, it crunched loud enough to echo around the village and created a lot of crumbs. 

"I see he likes those dog cookies I brought back," Kagome muttered sleepily. I looked back and saw her slipping out into the morning sun, her hair rumpled. 

"Dog...cookies?" 

She lowered her voice, "They're a treat for dogs in my time, but it seems that dog demons like them a lot too." 

"Ohh," I looked again at my Lord, grinning at how he stuffed the last of the cookie into his mouth. Only he could make eager eating appear refined. "Lord Sesshoumaru likes to chew on bones after he eats, it's how he cleans his teeth. He doesn't swallow the pieces, though." 

Kagome chortled with me. She stroked Soukenmaru's hair and said, "It's good to see them getting along - " 

CLANG! 

" - or not? INUYASHA!" 

"Can it, Kagome." the hanyou spat, trying to parry against Lord Sesshoumaru's blows, "We're sparring!" 

"You still get distracted too easily." said Lord Sesshoumaru. In two swift moves he thrust Inuyasha into a defensive posture and advanced without relent. His blows were hard, but not deadly, teetering on the line of playful. "If you let your expression give away your next move, your opponent will always be many steps ahead of you." 

"Keh! You fight your way, I'll fight mine." WHAM! Inuyasha's Tetsusaiga sang against Toukijin. 

Lord Sesshoumaru knocked Inuyasha away with his poisonous whip. "Have it your way." 

Their spar continued until my Lord disarmed his brother and leveled Toukijin with his nose. Both stood panting in the early morning glow. Not as enemies, but as brothers. Neither noticed the rest of the world awakening around them, which came to me as a harsh reminder that time would not stand still. 

Jumping up, Inuyasha slid Tetsusaiga back into its sheath. Lord Sesshoumaru did the same with Toukijin. They bowed slightly, paused and abruptly parted ways. If they said any last words to each other, I did not hear them. 

"Sesshoumaru?" 

He glanced at Kagome. 

"Take care," she said softly. 

My Lord offered only a nod as he practically floated towards me. A cloud had already begun gathering around his feet. "Rin, we are leaving." 

I had to smile at him, "yes, my Lord!" and climbed onto the cloud. The ground retreated, turning Kagome and Inuyasha into rapidly shrinking figures. I freed an arm to wave while they could still see me, but the wind blew my hair in my eyes and I do not know if they saw me or not. 

Lord Sesshoumaru never looked back. His eyes were forever forward. The only part of him pointing backwards was his hair. 

o 

Strange how the world changes when I look at it through different eyes. My Lord and I flew over the same forests and plains I used to play in as a child. I saw fields where I picked flowers, smelled waterfalls I once bathed in, felt the same chills that sent me scurrying under my Lord's pelt and tasted the morning fog I could only dream of touching. So many silly things...and I will no longer have the time to do them. My life has become my son, and I will soon see the world from Lord Sesshoumaru's perspective. 

During the years that I came to know Lord Sesshoumaru, I never saw him as a father per-say. I honestly can not classify him as anything other than the man I love. I have always loved him, though not once did I imagine ever giving him a child. 

I still clearly see my Lord lying wounded in the forest all those years ago. He was the most beautiful man I ever beheld. I had hardly rustled a bush when he snarled at me with eyes blazing and fangs bared, and I was not afraid. I did not fear him because I knew he would have killed me outright if he really wanted me dead. When the villagers beat me for stealing their fish, he even inquired about the bruises. Then he turned those cold eyes onto me and my entire world stopped. There was just my reflection shimmering across his amber irises and I knew, right there, that by his side was where I belonged. 

I recall how I did everything in my power to offer comfort and aid his recovery by bringing food, water and herbs. Naturally he refused. His wounded pride couldn't handle another blow. And when the wolves tore away my life, his face was the one I awoke to after death's shroud lifted. He gave me a second chance when he had the option of leaving me to rot in the dirt. 

Remaining at his side...it is how I am repaying his gift. My life was his, and now that is about to change. It frightens me. I never imagined him dying first. I don't want to live without him. His voice, his smell, his face, his rare touch...I will miss them terribly. 

"You are drifting," Lord Sesshoumaru's voice gently prodded my thoughts. We had long since stopped flying, the silver cloud hovering above the Western borders. So high were we that I noticed the horizon curved. 

"I'm sorry, my Lord." I peered up, "Were you saying anything important?" 

He let the air out of his nose, a sound I assume was a chuckle. "No." he opened his hands. "Give Soukenmaru to me." 

I kissed Soukenmaru's brow and placed him in my Lord's arms. His tiny fingers twitched and curled, but he did not cry, instead gazing around in wonder at the new world before him. 

"My son," Lord Sesshoumaru tilted Soukenmaru so he was facing west, "Look..." he gestured to the land below just as the wind caught his hair and sleeves, "this is all yours. Every tree, rock, lake and blade of grass belongs to you. You will play in the places I played as a child and see the world in all its splendor." his voice lowered, "I pass my life to you, my son. You are my legacy." 

Lord Sesshoumaru's legacy...why did it hurt to hear him say those words? 

Soukenmaru grasped the end of his father's sleeve. He yawned, flashing a toothless mouth at the sky. I found myself marveling at how pink he was in my Lord's delicate white hands. The tips of his claws were no larger than a sewing needle's point. How could something so small be so perfectly reproduced in miniature? 

My Lord seemed just as fascinated by Soukenmaru as I. Propping the baby on one arm, he freed his feet and examined them thoroughly. They were hardly larger than the length of my Lord's thumb. Then Lord Sesshoumaru probed the fluffy dog ears atop Soukenmaru's head. They twitched at his touch. 

"It is so hard to believe," he whispered. 

"What is?" 

"Our son...he is so perfect. Perhaps I am just a little biased since he is mine." Gold eyes turned to me, tilted slightly in amusement. 

"Perhaps." I leaned against his arm, "He does have a lovely father, that must help a little." 

Lord Sesshoumaru lowered Soukenmaru back into my arms. I accepted his small weight and placed him to my breast. He latched on hungrily. Suckling him still felt unique and wonderful, sometimes I received the same tingling sensations I experienced when my Lord and I mated. I waited until Soukenmaru finished and offered him back to his father. 

Clouds parted and Lord Sesshoumaru's castle came into view, growing larger as we descended. I saw Master Jaken sitting on a rock outside. He spotted us and went running inside to alert everyone that we had returned. By the time we entered the castle, all of my Lord's men waited at attention. 

Lord Sesshoumaru dissipated the cloud, causing us to land gently on the grass. As soon as we were inside, he tore the blanket off Soukenmaru's body, held him high for all to see and called out, "My son!" 

A great cheer went up throughout the room. Before I could blink, cooks and servants began setting up food. Music erupted from one corner. People danced and drank sake. The sudden noise was confusing, causing me to edge slightly behind my Lord. Was all this in Soukenmaru's honor? 

_I wonder if they know how this day will end. Perhaps so, and like my Lord they are not dwelling. I should be merry_. 

I felt so plain amidst the festive colors. While Lord Sesshoumaru showed our son around, I retreated to bathe and dress myself in the beautiful kimono he gave me, the one that was once his mother's. Though my body was not a desirable shape, the obi tucked my belly in and supported my breasts. I was quite comfortable when I rejoined the excitement. 

Lord Sesshoumaru had the same idea as myself - I saw him re-emerge wearing clean clothes. His purple print kimono was just as lovely as the red one, I thought. 

Master Jaken burst in from the side, his finger pointing at my Lord. "M'lord! Your arm!" 

"Yes, Inuyasha returned it to me." 

"Ohhh, hehe, fantastic!" the little toad twirled. He was most definitely drunk...it never took much to turn him silly. 

My Lord had to be one of the proudest fathers I have ever seen. Though his face remained deadpan, he held Soukenmaru on his arm in such a way that everyone had a clear view. He lifted his chin when he noticed me standing all alone by a food tray. I forgot the rest of the party, his eyes were all I saw. My beautiful, wonderful Lord... 

"Rin?" 

When had he approached? Soukenmaru was missing - oh, Master Jaken had him. I blinked, confused. "Yes?" 

Clapping surrounded us. Dog demons, men and women alike, stomped and pounded their hands together with the lively music. "Dance! Dance! Dance! Dance!" they chanted. 

"Come," my Lord said, holding out a hand. "My father performed this dance with my mother when I was born...it is said to bring good fortune." 

Heat raced into my cheeks, "You need not ask, my Lord." 

I placed my left hand in his right, speechless as he pulled me towards him and swept me into the music. It _was_ a simple demon dance that I found easy to follow. While my left hand held his right, we stood side by side, took two steps forward and one back. Then he grasped my wrists and we both twirled, lifting our arms to pass underneath. We clapped twice, switched hands and repeated the dance in reverse, all while matching the drumbeats. What fun! 

Lord Sesshoumaru was more alive than ever. Gold eyes flashing, feet stomping, hands moving, hair flying. I smiled at him, and for a brief instant he smiled back. The drums beat so fast I could barely keep up, but my Lord was too graceful to miss a step. I never wanted our dance to end! 

My Lord held his hands palm forward. I placed my palms against his. Suddenly, he pulled me into a swift twirl that stopped abruptly with the song. There was a brief pause as his hair and clothes fell back into place, then more cheering. His chest heaved until he caught his breath. I panted for a little longer, my heart racing. All I saw was him. 

Neither of us moved, there was just his eyes burning into mine. I could feel the pulse and heat throbbing in his fingers. The musicians started a new song, but I hardly noticed it. 

Another demon emerged from the gathering and sprinkled rice all around our feet. This elder youkai was almost as beautiful as Lord Sesshoumaru, and his hair was the longest I have ever seen on a living being. I glanced away and watched the same demon flick the rice onto Soukenmaru's chest. "What - " 

"The rice is soaked in blood. If his chest is clean when the elder wipes it off, it means he is an alpha male." my Lord explained. "If he is, it means he will easily handle his position as the next Lord." 

The elder...he did not look old to me...lifted Soukenmaru and brushed the rice off with a twig. His chest remained unblemished. 

"Alpha!" Cried the elder. 

Another cheer. 

Lord Sesshoumaru released my hands. Whatever spell his touch cast broke...I felt empty when he let go. I wanted to ask for something to eat, but Soukenmaru's cry captured my attention. I frowned, "He is hungry." 

Someone laughed, "Here!" 

Hands passed the baby along, the last set being Master Jaken's. I always worried that Soukenmaru would be too big for Master Jaken's tiny hands, but this was not so. The little toad's face was unreadable when he settled the baby in my arms. Soukenmaru gurgled and turned his head, sniffing for my teat. 

"He has a large void to fill, doesn't he?" said Master Jaken. 

"Don't speak of that. Lord Sesshoumaru clearly wants to celebrate, not lament. Let us obey his wish." I met his bulging yellow eyes. He politely kept his gaze on my face while I bared a breast to nourish my son. I have found that letting my baby rest across my forearm is the most comfortable position to feed him, especially while standing. 

Lord Sesshoumaru's men would not let me leave the room until I sang at least one song. I humored them for awhile, smiling at how they lazed about like common dogs all over the floor. Even Lord Sesshoumaru stretched himself out across a pillow thrown carelessly on the tatami mat. I sang mostly for him, all the while cradling our son in my arms. 

As soon as the song was done, I retreated for a quiet corner to ease Soukenmaru to sleep. Lord Sesshoumaru stood up and turned to his room. I could tell by his drooping eyes that he was more than slightly intoxicated. His form cast a long eastward shadow along the tatami floor. Where had the day gone? 

I pushed through the gathering to reach my Lord's side. By the time I arrived he was already stepping through his door. "My Lord?" 

Lord Sesshoumaru did not reply. His ability to focus on more than one task diminished when he consumed alcohol. He placed a sake bowl on his tea table. I watched him pull six vials out from under his futon, empty their powdery contents into the bowl and add sake. Then, slowly, he lifted his eyes to mine. 

A hot lump formed in my throat and ruptured. I burst into slow, painful tears and fell to my knees on the opposite side of the table. Soukenmaru squawked a little and I rubbed his cheek to comfort him. All I saw was the opium, my Lord's death, clouding the sake in its bowl. 

"My Lord..." 

"Rin," His hands trembled when he reached for the bowl. 

I reached out and steadied them. The lump in my throat was so large that I could barely speak, "A-are you sure this is how you want it?" 

"Yes," he said, nodding. Without further comment, he lifted the bowl to his lips and consumed its entire contents in one graceful gulp. I watched in pained silence as he swallowed enough opium to kill a demon three times his size. Then he met my eyes and went on, "Come, let is re-join the celebration. Smile. Be merry. We are celebrating life, not death." 

"Soukenmaru needs to sleep," I said through my tears. 

Nodding once, Lord Sesshoumaru reached out and lifted the cooing baby from my arms. He carried him to a tiny, hand-woven basket lined with his first blanket - my Lord's bloodstained kimono shirt. I watched him lower Soukenmaru onto the softness, pause and remain squatting at the foot of the little basket. 

"Out of all the things I have done in my life," my Lord's glistening amber eyes turned to me, "this little creation is what I am the most proud of. And he would not be here if you had not appeared that day in the woods. I..." he fixed his gaze back on Soukenmaru, reached down and brushed a white finger across his cheek, causing him to coo. For a moment the ice in his eyes melted. "...I want to thank you, Rin." 

The pain in my heart became a tiny ember, "For giving you a son?" 

"For everything." Lord Sesshoumaru sighed softly. He bent to touch his lips against Soukenmaru's moon marking. I knew, painfully, that he had just kissed our son goodbye. Then he stood up straight, lifted his chin and looked down his nose at me. His tone became its usual soft murmur, "Come, Soukenmaru will settle down once he is alone." 

Music and cheering continued, unaware of my Lord's disappearance. Only one person noticed we were gone, and his form came skittering forward the instant the fusama slid open. "M'Lord! Y-y-you - " 

"Jaken." 

"Yes, M'Lord?" 

Lord Sesshoumaru stepped on Master Jaken, "You will give Rin and Soukenmaru the same respect you gave me. They will depend on you for guidance until Soukenmaru receives enough education to assume his position as Lord. Am I understood, Jaken?" 

The little toad youkai burst into tears, "Yes, Lord Sesshoumaru...b-but..." 

My Lord, who had been walking away, stopped and about-faced. 

"I will miss you." Master Jaken blubbered on so fast that I hardly understood him. Much of his words described what a wonderful time he had in my Lord's service and that he promised he would be a good little servant to us for as long as his life allowed. I noticed a hint of sadness in my Lord's eyes during Master Jaken's tirade. 

"Jaken," Lord Sesshoumaru growled. 

Master Jaken abruptly silenced. 

They exchanged a look that I did not understand. It quieted the little toad while my Lord walked away with me close by his side. We settled down at the table we had been sitting at before. Nobody seemed aware we vanished and returned, or if they did, they chose not to speak of it. 

My Lord spoke into my ear, "Rin, do you remember the day you asked me to wish upon a dandelion?" 

"Yes..." The memory flashed in front of my eyes. Lord Sesshoumaru standing amidst the wildflowers, his eyes closed and the wind in his hair. His lips puckering to send the little seedlings flying away towards the sun, then him meeting my gaze. I looked up, "I remember it." 

His lips formed an almost-smile, stretching without reaching an upward curl. "It did come true." 

"Oh? What did you wish for?" 

"Happiness." he faced forward, resting his chin on his palm. 

I'm glad I could make his wish come true. 

Drunken inuyoukai gathered on the main floor for a wild, uncoordinated sparring match. I worried it would dissolve into a real fight. Lord Sesshoumaru whispered that the spar was more symbolic than real, and it would stop if anyone became too wild to control. 

"You drunken ass!" an old one growled. 

"I have what you want right here!" shouted another. 

Lord Sesshoumaru's eyelids started to droop. I watched him release a long sigh, stretching his back as if enjoying the beginning of the opium's grasp on his body. It wasn't long before his posture deteriorated. He could no longer sit up straight. Then his head began to loll forward, but he caught himself. 

I grasped his arm, "My Lord?" 

"Rin," he whispered, "Prepare me for bed." 

Tears blurred his image. I bit my lips from the inside. "Yes, my Lord...do you need help walking?" 

"No," he pushed himself easily up to stand. His pupils were slits even when shadows crossed his face. Still, he remained ever-graceful, and walked with ease to his room. Master Jaken rushed ahead and lit bowls of incense on either side of the door. I recall hearing Lord Sesshoumaru tell his men it was to keep the sake smells out, but I knew its true purpose was to disguise the scent of his death. 

"Have a good rest, my Lord," sniffled Master Jaken. 

"Thank you, Jaken." My Lord bent and gave the toad and uncharacteristic pat on the head. "Make sure the incense burns until morning, and don't make the announcement until after sunrise." Then he turned to look once more at the celebration, the castle walls, the colors, the burning lamps and the people. Without a word he padded into his room and pulled the fusama shut, making it click with quiet finality. Moonlight cast a peaceful silver-blue glow about the bedroom. 

Lord Sesshoumaru stood just in front of his closed door, his amber eyes gleaming. They appeared made of glass. 

I felt a sob escape, "Lord Sesshoumaru." 

My Lord placed a hand on my shoulder. He couldn't see, his eyes would not dilate. I guided him forward and knelt, easing him down onto his knees with his back to the foot of his futon. I let him stay that way while I filed his nails and ran the comb through his hair, trying to imagine tonight as no different than any other. As I knelt in front of him to untie his obi, he fell forward into me, his forehead hitting my shoulder with a soft thump. 

"Rin...the opium may cause frightening side effects to this Sesshoumaru," his voice came out muffled by my body, "I thought you should know." 

I placed my hands behind his back and guided him to lie down. He sank onto his futon without a fuss, his body utterly relaxed. I touched my palms to the base of his throat and slid them outward, effectively pushing his kimono open and off his shoulders. The silk and cotton pooled lifelessly around him. He lifted his arms from the sleeves, letting me pull the fabric out from under his frame. Without a word, I freed my Lord of his boots and slid the hakama off his hips and down the length of his legs, leaving him in his fundoshi. That soon came off as well. Then I unfolded the sheet under his feet and drew it up to his chest. 

Finally, I spoke, "I won't leave your side, my Lord. I care not how frightening it becomes in here." 

Lord Sesshoumaru gazed up at me in the darkness. He was shivering and holding his abdomen with one hand. The frown knitting his brow told me instantly was in pain, but I knew he would not openly say so. 

Of course he would feel pain. His body was laboring to expel his soul, just as I labored to release Soukenmaru. And just as Lord Sesshoumaru remained with me during my pain, I stayed vigilantly beside him through his. My Lord's discomfort worsened with the passage of time. He escalated from soft pants to low moans and growls. Occasionally, he would stiffen and hiss at me with glowing red eyes when I tried to touch him. 

"Shhh." I curled up beside him on the futon and brushed the sweat from his brow with a damp cloth, undeterred by his bared fangs. "It won't be too much longer. Try to relax." 

Lord Sesshoumaru turned his head, bringing our faces inches apart. The crimson left his eyes. His lips parted to form, "Rin," and his silken voice created a chord with the muffled celebratory music still playing in the main hall. He was so close. Close enough to touch, hold, kiss and caress. Close enough that his soft breath tickled my cheek. The moonlight outlined his cheekbone, illuminating his stripes and upturned eye. 

Taking his hand in mine, I gazed into his eyes. "I love you, my Lord." 

He squeezed my hand. I watched his beautiful amber eyes roll back and flutter. Suddenly, without warning, his back arched and his body began to shake violently. I yanked my hand from his grip and dragged the sheets off his trembling frame. He made strange noises from deep in his throat. Blood squirted through his clenched teeth. I looked on in horror. His limbs went from shaking to jerking. The quaking went on forever, and I could do nothing but watch. My eyes stayed fixed on his clenched fist. His knuckles and heels knocked against the floor, the sound like Death arriving on a black horse. 

Lord Sesshoumaru's fit ended as abruptly as it started. The moment he fell limp, I grasped his left arm and leg and pulled him onto his side. He vomited bloody foam, but, fortunately, I had an empty bowl ready for such an occurrence. Scarlet stained his lips and cheek. I was still shaking when I wet a cloth to wipe his face and mouth clean. My Lord's eyes and lips remained slightly open, a strange expression that looked unnatural on him. 

"Lord Sesshoumaru," I choked on his name. "Can you hear me?" 

My Lord did not respond to my voice at all. His limbs were limp and heavy as I rolled him slowly onto his back, being careful so I wouldn't hurt him. I folded his hands on his chest, straightened his hair and drew the sheet up to his waist. His breath stopped, sputtered and restarted, the air passing in and out as if controlled by bellows. Each breath made the hollows in his white throat stand out in sharp relief. It was horrible. He seemed so fragile. 

Moonlight continued its trek across the floor. It now illuminated the entirety of Lord Sesshoumaru, turning his hair into a cascading silver veil against his brow. His eyelashes were dark fringes upon his cheekbones, his fangs the finest ivory and his skin a shell of precious white porcelain. 

Lord Sesshoumaru's breath kept stopping and restarting. He twitched each time he gasped. His body was fighting, but I knew it could not hold his spirit for much longer. 

Curling up beside my Lord, I brought my lips to his ear. "_Fukai fukai mori_..." I sang, reaching up and brushing my fingers gently over the familiar planes of his face. Every area I caressed brought forth a memory. 

On his moon, I saw him lying wounded in the forest like a fallen angel. Him, outright refusing the food and water I offered, and him again, hovering above me after my resurrection. 

The stripes lining his smooth cheeks showed me the times he came to my rescue, always with his hair flying and sword flashing. All I ever had to do was scream or call his name, and he appeared. My magnificent Lord. 

Around his fleshy ear came the blissful, flush-faced expression I saw during the climax of our mating. How fierce he looked, sweaty, hair ragged, teeth bared...and yet he touched me so gently, so carefully. 

The silken hair I tucked behind his ear carried me into the wind where it blew like a silver banner. I saw my hands combing his gleaming tresses. My fingers braiding it, playing in it on a windy day and tucking flowers behind his ear. And him occasionally reaching up to brush it off his shoulder. 

I stroked his soft eyelids, seeing the many looks his amber eyes cast my way - tilted amusement, relaxed indifference, glowing in passion and a softness I could never name. They said so much and showed so little. I already miss them. 

The slope of his tipped up nose brought forth pictures of him standing beneath a sakura tree just as it released, surrounding him in pink snow. I had to drag him into the grove that day, but he seemed to enjoy it anyway. 

Across his tapered jaw, I saw him dancing vigorously with me while rice flew all around us. He was certainly dashing...I wish we could have danced that way more often. 

Stroking his right arm gave me memories of being carried, him fighting, the rocks he threw at Master Jaken and his fingers gently touching my hair. From his left arm came the sight of my Lord holding me up during my painful labor and gently cradling Soukenmaru soon after. 

I touched his hands and saw him simultaneously ripping apart a demon and cupping Soukenmaru's barely-born head. His right hand...it gestured, fought, created energy whips, spit acid, comforted, brought me pleasure and when he had both, he helped our son into the world. It is amazing that hands capable of such violence could be so gentle. 

At last I came to his parted lips, my fingertips tracing their rose petal softness. My mind kept showing me our first kiss in bed and his beautiful smile, an image I will never forget for the rest of my life. My fingers lingered near his mouth. Like all dogs, the skin near his lips was sensitive, and he liked it when I touched him there during our mating. 

Lord Sesshoumaru's breath stopped again. I continued singing softly into his ear, my palm never straying from his cheek and my thumb still stroking his lips. 

"..._eien ni_..." 

The quiet that followed my song rushed in and around me like a cold wind. Time stood still, frozen. My Lord had not inhaled since I touched his lips. When I laid my head on his chest and heard no heartbeat, I realized the consuming silence was coming from him. 

He died so quietly, just a breath, a whisper, a flicker. He birthed his spirit into my hands with his last little sigh. So utterly taken by this, I kissed my fingers and held them up to Heaven the same way he lifted Soukenmaru up to me. I felt a weight no heavier than a butterfly vacate my fingertips...and I just knew that was the moment he left this world behind. 

"It is done...it is all done...you can rest now." Turning back to my Lord's body, I placed the softest kiss on his mouth, held both of his hands in mine and whispered, "Goodbye, Lord Sesshoumaru, my Lord...my love." 

Then I slid under the covers with my Lord and drew his head softly to my chest. The memory of the coldness I felt right after I died slashed across my mind. No, there was no way I would let him suffer the same way I did. Death's chill was already taking hold on his hands, but I tucked them between our bodies to keep them warm for as long as possible and laid my cheek across the top of his head. My silent tears trickled into his hair. 

I'll never forget the utter stillness in the room. Everything seemed at rest. Peaceful. Perfect. 

_Sleep well, my Lord,_ I thought, _someday, when my life comes to a close, we will meet again_. Then I smiled. Though sad, I was also filled with hope._ We WILL meet again_. 


	7. The Day After

o 

_And you'll be in my heart_   
_Yes, you'll be in my heart_   
_From this day on_   
_Now and forever more_. 

Phil Collins, "You'll Be In My Heart" 

o 

**The Last Day**   
**Chapter seven**   
**"The Day After."**

o 

An hour had passed since Lord Sesshoumaru took his last breath. When I lifted a wailing Soukenmaru to feed and change him, I discovered a folded piece of parchment lying in his basket. Upon opening it, I found instructions from my Lord describing how to ready his body for viewing. The instructions also stated that I should do so before morning arrived. I had to bathe his skin in rose water, wrap his manhood in cloth, pack his bodily orifices with cotton and dress him in his red print kimono. 

Nothing could prepare me for how limp he became after death. When I lifted his shoulders to rinse his back, his head and arms dropped into a posture that would have been excruciatingly painful. Again and again I reminded myself that he no longer felt pain, his body was the empty clothing his soul left behind, and that it was all right to let his limbs remain where they fell. 

I knew my Lord's body so well. Every curve, ridge, muscle and vein; the softness inside his thighs, the delicate dip between his collarbones, the swell of his buttocks and the slopes of his shoulders all struck me with loving familiarity. The only difference was that now his skin apppeared ashen and his lips, ears, fingers and toes were fading to purple. His beautiful moon and stripes also lightened, but only slightly, as if they wished to blend with their owner's pallor. 

Lord Sesshoumaru did not request it...but I soaked his feet in their usual morning solution. I think he would have wanted that. 

Packing his body became the most emotionally taxing procedure. I apologized to him the entire time as I dipped pieces of cotton in perfumed oil and tucked them into his nose, throat and rectum. Some silly part of my mind still expected him to choke or complain. Especially when it came time to wrap his manhood and lay it down against his navel. 

I dressed my Lord in his regal attire, starting at his fundoshi and ending with his boots. I shed more tears upon realizing I closed his kimono the wrong way, but I quickly rearranged it to right over left and no one would ever know. His armor proved the most difficult, yet I managed unassisted, and carefully wrapped and tied his regal sash. The letter of instruction directed me to a chest in the corner, which contained a second heirloom pelt identical to his own. I was to place it on his body and give the one he always wore to our son. Tearfully, I did so. Then I used Tenseiga's sheath to place Toukijin at my Lord's left hip and kept him lying on his side while I combed his lovely silver hair. 

Finally, I had finished. Rolling Lord Sesshoumaru onto his back, I folded his hands on his navel and adjusted his kimono sleeves to lie straight. Then I stood back to admire him. 

My Lord's hands were lovely against his dark armor. They seemed to flow straight from his sleeves like the white flowers on the ends of tree branches in spring. It is strange how he looks so small without any clothing on, yet so powerful when dressed in his finest. The lack of circulation caused his eyeballs to flatten their sockets, which pulled his eyelids completely shut. It still did not look natural. His small lips remained parted, showing hints of his top teeth. I am glad his mouth did not gape as a human's would. My Lord once said a youkai's jaw tends to clamp rather than relax after death, and left to the elements his facial muscles would pull his lips into what demons called a "death grin". Had I waited much longer than an hour to pack his throat, I may have never been able to open his mouth. 

I felt satisfied with Lord Sesshoumaru's preparation. It came easier than I originally expected. Yet even after bathing and dressing him, I found that he still did not appear asleep. He was an empty shell, the clothing his soul once wore. He was not Lord Sesshoumaru anymore. This body lying before me was not him, it only looked like him. The part that made him my Lord flew away with his last breath. 

Why is that so painful to accept? I should be happy that he is free of his suffering! Yet...it hurts. It hurts worse than losing my own parents. 

"Oh, my Lord..." I wiped tears from my eyes, trying hard to smile, "if only you could see how beautiful you look." 

Light on the eastern horizon prompted me to hurry with the final touches. I placed a bowl of lit incense at the head of my Lord's futon and hurried outside into the garden. I gathered lotus blossoms in a bowl of water, which I surrounded with four candles as a bedside decoration. 

I had scarcely lit the candles when something scraped the window shoji. 

"Hello?" I called. 

"It's me," Inuyasha answered softly, his voice unreadable, "Is Sesshoumaru decent for viewing?" 

Relieved that it wasn't an enemy, I drew the shoji open. My other arm was currently occupied with holding Soukenmaru. "Yes, I just finished preparing him." 

The hanyou's expression remained uncharacteristically composed. I noticed he recently combed his hair, causing it to look less windblown than usual, and his clothes smelled freshly washed. He flashed a half-smile at the baby in my arms as he brushed past me. I watched him light four more incense sticks, bow to my Lord and place smoking rods in the bowl behind the futon. 

"Did he...go peacefully?" 

I nodded my head. Strange, my heart was numb. This whole morning was happening to an imaginary girl who looks and sounds just like me. "He was not suffering at the moment he died." 

Inuyasha nodded slowly, keeping his head down. He reached out and slid his fingers gently under Lord Sesshoumaru's hand. He did not pick it up, he merely held it. "Did Sesshoumaru explain to you why he did this? Eh, dumb question, he probably did." 

"Yes...he wanted to die with dignity, with his pride intact, and he did." 

"That's Sesshoumaru for you. In control of everything, even his own death." Then he shook his head and chuckled, wiping his eyes. "It's ironic, he hated humans so much, and in the end he needed a human to ensure his bloodline survives. Once upon a time, when he was still the world's biggest ass, he told me I should never accept human aid, even in death." His amber eyes turned to mine, tilted in amusement at the irony. "I saw the way you looked at him in the hut. You really loved him." 

Tears blurred my eyes and dripped onto Soukenmaru's cheek, causing him to smack his lips. "With all of my being." 

Leaning forward, Inuyasha pulled me to sit and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. The reality of loss tore my heart asunder, fragmented my eyesight and stole the strength from my bones. My throat burned like fire that spread into my head and chest. I buried my face in Inuyasha's shoulder and wept helplessly, clutching Soukenmaru in attempt to fill the void that opened so suddenly beneath me. 

I will never hear Lord Sesshoumaru's voice again. He won't be waiting impatiently when I am late for lunch and supper. His eyes will no longer cast their amber light upon my face. The softness of his hands is forever lost to me. There will no longer be moist breath and a warm body to curl up to when I can't sleep. I'll call his name and he will not appear. 

Inuyasha squeezed my shoulder, whispering, "You take that love you gave to my brother, and turn it towards Soukenmaru. He would want that, Rin." 

"Yes," I sobbed, his red robe muffling my voice, "he would. If he could still speak, he may have told me to focus on what I have now instead of what I once had." 

"Yeah." replied Inuyasha. He squeezed Lord Sesshoumaru's hand and patted his shoulder, "I hope you made it to wherever you wanted to go after this life." Then he turned to Soukenmaru, "Can I hold the little guy?" 

I handed the baby over without comment. My arms felt more empty than ever without his tiny weight near my heart. Inuyasha held Soukenmaru gently to his chest, smiling into his large amber eyes. I've never seen Inuyasha really, truly smile that way, but he did so more easily than my Lord. I slowly realized his abrasive tendencies were just as much a shield as my Lord's calm indifference. 

I giggled through my tears. "He likes you." 

"Babies usually do," The hanyou winked an eye shut as Soukenmaru grasped one of his silver forelocks, "never could figure out why." 

"Could it be the ears?" 

"Heh, probably," he handed him back. "Sesshoumaru would've been a great dad, though. Hey, Rin?" 

I blinked out of the fog swirling inside my mind. "Yes?" 

"If you ever need someone to protect him...you know...against the idiots out there who hate halfbreeds..." he gestured with a hand littered by calluses, "I'll be there, okay? Anytime, anywhere." 

"Thank you, Inuyasha." I touched his arm with my free hand. 

Inuyasha hopped to his feet and strode to the window. "Keh, I better get going. Sun's coming up." He looked once more at Lord Sesshoumaru's still form, squeezed his eyes shut and leaped off into the trees. 

I had scarcely pulled the shoji closed when Master Jaken burst through the fusama, threw himself onto my Lord's chest and wept inconsolably. If I was not cradling Soukenmaru right then, I would have put my arms around the sad little toad. He was absolutely grief-stricken. 

"Oh, m'lord!" he sobbed, "I am going to miss you terribly!" Suddenly, he jerked his head up, glaring at me through tear-filled eyes. "Did he suffer? Did he? Even for a moment? Tell me about his last moments!" 

Such questions found me completely unprepared. I stared at the little youkai for ages, feeling my mind swirl and congeal into coherent thought. "He..." I swallowed, "...he had some pain and one fit...but the moment of death was painless and without a struggle." 

"Was he conscious? Speaking?" 

I bit the insides of my lips and shook my head no. "I never left his side for a moment. I...was singing to him when he took his last breath. The last word out of his mouth was my name." 

This seemed to satisfy Master Jaken. He resumed bawling into Lord Sesshoumaru's chest. I feel rotten for thinking this...but I actually wished my Lord would slap him away and tell him to silence himself. His tirade was very embarrassing. But it would be unfair of me to tell him how to grieve. He knew Lord Sesshoumaru much longer than I did. Still, even in the brief eight years I knew my Lord, he became my best friend, my protector and the man I will always love. 

"Master Jaken," I laid a hand on his back. 

"D-don't touch m-meeeee!" he sniffled. "I don't need your comfort. Wailing is how my people grieve for their honored dead." 

"I'm sorry." I felt so strange, not wanting to cry. The tears I shed on Inuyasha's shoulder seemed to satiate the pain enough. I'm sure it will not be the last wave of tears I weep for my Lord. "Would you like to be alone with him, Master Jaken?" 

"Please." 

Yet before I took two steps, he spoke up. 

"By the way...thank you...for making him look so dignified." 

Compliments from Master Jaken are rare and brief. This one meant a lot to me. I nodded in reply and walked away. 

I slipped outside, using the bathing room door to reach the garden without facing people along the way. The sun cast golden rays over the mountains. Its light swept forward, bathing first the flower patches and then the garden pond. Everything glittered under layers of dew and smelled wonderful in the damp air. 

How could the first day without Lord Sesshoumaru start so beautifully? 

My eyes drifted to my son. Soukenmaru peered up at me through sleepy ambers, as though fighting to stay awake so he could see everything at once. It made me smile...he is so precious. "You can sleep, little one. You'll have many tomorrows. Many tomorrows, many chances, many things to gain." 

I wanted badly to introduce Soukenmaru to Ah-Un, but Lord Sesshoumaru advised me in private that I should wait until he was a little bigger. Otherwise the dragon may fly into a prey frenzy and attack. 

It's funny what the mind does when someone misses another. Through the corners of my eyes, I kept swearing I saw my Lord coming over the hill, walking into the castle, stepping around a corner or leaping off into the trees, only to have him disappear the moment I turned. I honestly believed that I would walk into his study and find him bent over a treaty scroll. 

This emptiness in my heart...it is impossible to comprehend. There are no words for the pain. It is worse than the agony of labor. 

Terrible howling erupted from within the palace walls. Master Jaken must have announced the news of my Lord's passing. 

I do not think I can handle seeing his body again. I must, I want to, but my bleeding heart already feels on the verge of falling apart. 

o 

Lord Sesshoumaru's funeral was a quiet, surprisingly casual affair. Someone placed his body atop a large, furry pelt. The men who served him all sat at tables situated in a circle with my Lord in the center. All meals consisted of his favorite foods. 

During the meal, I heard no conversation. No one so much as whispered. There was only the clink and clank of chopsticks, the thud of a bowl being placed on the table and the occasional slurp. 

"Master Jaken?" I whispered, "Why is everyone so quiet?" 

Master Jaken put a finger to his lips. Instead of speaking, he used his finger and soy sauce to write his answer down on the table. His reply explained that Lord Sesshoumaru's spirit may be lingering around the smell of his favorite foods, and hearing the voices of those he associated with in life would drown out the voices of those guiding him to the afterlife and cause him much difficulty accepting the reality of his own death. 

I frowned and wrote back, telling him that my Lord's eyes were always forward and I highly doubted his spirit would go anywhere except for into the light. Master Jaken's answer was a simple 'shut up, this is what he wants'. 

If my Lord wanted it, I will obey. I wiped the note off with the side of my hand and resumed eating. I had scarcely finished when the maids came along to clear the tables. Clean-up happened rapidly. The maids placed a little bowl of incense powder on each table to drown out the lingering food odors. 

"Now, you may speak," said Master Jaken. "Any further questions?" 

"No..." I looked down when I felt Soukenmaru stir against my chest, but he merely stretched and went back to sleep. "I'm sorry. I didn't know I had to stay quiet." 

Before he could say more, Lord Sesshoumaru's men began rising from their tables and moving to kneel or sit beside the body. One after the other, they would approach and tell everyone stories about their experiences with my Lord. Many knew him when he was just a little boy. 

And through these stories, I learned that my Lord's mother was pregnant with three pups. She joined a battle midway into her pregnancy, and someone stabbed her swollen belly. The blade killed two of the pups, but my Lord somehow survived to term. The midwives who delivered him were surprised to find one live child amidst two dead. I couldn't help but smile when the battle scarred demon telling the story pointed to Soukenmaru and said he looked just like my Lord did at that age. I still found it hard to believe that Lord Sesshoumaru was once a tiny, pink, helpless newborn. 

Someone else told a funny story from my Lord's childhood - it would seem that he liked to run away from home a lot. Yet no matter how far he ran or where he hid himself, his father always found his scent and brought him home. Some of the older demons laughed about this. My Lord was a rebellious youth, only calming after inadvertently causing his mother's untimely death. He never, ever, forgave himself. 

No one allowed the stories to become sad. If they did, the person speaking either stepped down or started another, happier tale. 

The women often giggled on about how charming Lord Sesshoumaru was before he lost his mother. He used to smile and flip his hair against their faces to tease them. They said he would spend hours tending to it and his vanity only ceased after he started learning how to fight. 

I can not believe how much I didn't know about my Lord. Yet...many of the youkai present knew him for over a century. The minuscule eight years I spent at his side pales in comparison. Why do those eight years seem like an eternity? 

Soukenmaru tried to suckle me through my kimono, so I bared my teat to let him nurse. When I closed my eyes, I kept remembering the actions that gave my son life. My Lord's hand and lips on my body, his scorching breath, the tremble of his release, his warm body beneath me as I slept on his chest...I was utterly lost in his scent and flesh. 

While were were in bed, he always let me touch him freely in any way I desired. I spent much of this precious time cuddled against his chest, our faces so close together that we breathed each other's breath, and then I would trace the outlines of his muscles. No session seemed complete without feeling him all over. Sometimes, if I felt brave, I took him in my hand and kneaded until his cheeks turned a lovely shade of pink...he was beautiful on the verge of release. He always pinned me with a kiss when I did this, his mouth perfect and soft against mine. Then he would loom over me, his hair falling in silver tendrils with his lovely face in the center. His eyes looked so beautiful and open, if only I could have understood the message they tried to send. 

The memory gripped me so hard that I fully expected to find my Lord panting and flushed before me when I opened my eyes. There was naught but his pale, lifeless body lying in a nest of white fur. I felt the sting of tears under my eyelids. My desire continued to build until I felt a small release that cut off the moment Soukenmaru stopped suckling. I was quite embarrassed, but no one even looked towards me. Placing him more comfortably on my arm, I rubbed his back until he burped and swayed my body to prevent him from crying. 

Master Jaken scurried up and sat down behind my Lord's head. He clicked his beak over and over, struggling for purchase of his voice. "I was a lord myself when I met Lord Sesshoumaru..." 

Wow, Master Jaken was a lord? 

Leaning forward intently, I listened to Master Jaken's story of how he met Lord Sesshoumaru. He told a tale of a demon threatening his people, and that my Lord killed it without effort because it was in his way. Master Jaken was so awed by this that he threw down his title to become my Lord's faithful servant. He did not sound like the silly toad creature I always believed him to be. 

I learned that Lord Sesshoumaru gave Master Jaken the Staff of Heads, an offering on the condition that he had the ability to use it. He told stories about how he would throw himself into harm's way just so my Lord did not have to dirty his hands. He was very wise in the ways of Lord Sesshoumaru's habits and needs. He sacrificed a lot of his dignity to watch over me when my Lord could not...and I am more grateful than ever to have him around. 

The poor toad youkai was crying by the time he finished his tales. I could not help but settle beside him and put my free arm around his shoulders. This time, the tears he shed were genuine and not ritualistic. He hurt deeply at the loss of his Lord. 

"When I was laboring with Soukenmaru," I started talking without willing myself to, "Lord Sesshoumaru never left my side. He could have left me to suffer alone, yet he did not. He was right there for every last moment. His hands were the first hands to hold Soukenmaru...and when he held him, I saw his beautiful smile for the first time. I had dreamed of his smile for the entire eight years that I have known him, and to see it with my own two eyes...it was better than in my daydreams." Freeing my arm from Master Jaken, I touched my Lord's hand. It was colder than winter snow. "My time with him was not a long one by your standards, but to me it was the greatest eight years of my life. To know Lord Sesshoumaru, to love him and to hold his son right now are the greatest things I will ever know in this lifetime. He was a wonderful man, a beautiful man, and I will smile when I remember him." 

Then I brushed a stray lock off his moon and leaned down. I kissed his brow and his lips, not caring that death's ice burned my mouth. This may have been the last time I would be able to touch him...and I did not want to miss it. 

"He died peacefully," I finally went on. "He left this world with every ounce of his pride and dignity. Nothing will ever take that away. My Lord is a flame, but he did not flicker when he died. He roared like a wildfire to next world, where he will burn brightly forever." 

I looked around to find many nodding in agreement. Then, abruptly, the funeral seemed to be over. My Lord's men uncurled from their tables and headed back to their usual positions throughout the palace. Not one door failed to have someone slide it open and walk out. The only people who remained where myself, Soukenmaru, Master Jaken, Lord Sesshoumaru's body and the elder, who I learned was a thousand years old. He stood nearby, his hair pooling around his feet. 

I knew not the elder's name, my Lord never told me. He explained the elder was so old that speaking his name would tell Death exactly where to find him. 

"Your Staff," the elder gestured to Master Jaken. When the toad handed his Staff over, the elder turned to me. "Like his father, Lord Sesshoumaru requested he be entombed within a pearl, and you will be its protector." 

"Me? Elder, I am only a - " 

"Rin!" Master Jaken cried, "Don't question the great Elder!" 

"No one else will know where it is." The elder's pale gold eyes narrowed. "Your weapon is the ignorance of everyone else. You must never reveal Lord Sesshoumaru's resting place to anyone." 

Nodding slowly, afraid to say something foolish, I merely answered with, "I understand." 

The elder tossed a small, scarlet orb above our heads. He pointed the Staff of Heads at the tiny sphere and white lightning emerged from the mouths of both heads. A portal much like the one Inuyasha entered yawned open. Inside, vaguely, I saw a crimson sky in perpetual twilight and soft, green grass. The elder gestured with his left hand. My Lord's body levitated gently off its soft bed of fur. His head dropped back slightly, as death's stiffening had not yet reached his neck, and his hair slid off his shoulder to hang straight down. 

"My Lord..." I winced as the energy's crackle caused pain in my ears. 

Lord Sesshoumaru's body glowed soft white. His facial bones screeched and elongated, turning his head into that of a dog. He vanished into a point of light that swirled straight into the portal like a shooting star. I saw the light hit the ground, smashing away the grass in a blinding flash. Shielding my eyes, I waited for the light to fade. The next time I lifted my eyes, I saw the skeleton of a massive dog wearing my Lord's armor. Its jaws were open in a silent roar that frightened even me, but I had to smile when I saw one of the lower fangs was cut short. 

Master Jaken clasped his hands together. His eyes overflowed. "He looks so...so mighty!" 

"Yes..." I never had the pleasure of seeing my Lord in his true form, but I once saw a painting of it, and he was the most frightening creature I ever laid eyes on. 

The portal slowly shrank into a sparkling point and faded once again into a pearl. It hung suspended by the energy from the Staff of Heads. 

"Hand the child to Jaken," said the elder. 

I kissed Soukenmaru's brow and placed him gently in Master Jaken's waiting arms. Master Jaken left the room, leaving me alone with the strange elder. I knew not what to say or do next. The elder gestured for me to lie on the fur, which I did without asking further questions. 

Slowly, the scarlet pearl descended. The energy holding it suspended suddenly shot straight down and struck my chest. I felt pain worse than childbirth in the region of my heart. I could not scream or cry out. My heart stopped beating and the room faded, leaving me alone in a dark void. 

Light ignited from my right, incredibly luminous like the sun, yet not painful. A pair of golden eyes opened. Silver hair emerged, then a delicate striped hand that I could see right through like backlit colored glass. I stretched my arms towards the hand I recognized all too well. Lord Sesshoumaru's insubstantial fingers interlocked with mine, anchoring him to me. When I touched him, I felt nothing but peace. 

"Goodbye," he said. His lips did not move, yet I clearly heard his voice. Before I could reply, he released my hand, drifted backwards into the light and was gone. 

I blinked. All at once I was back in my Lord's castle, lying prone on the bed of soft fur. The elder was gone. Had I died and come back? Did I dream? What just happened? I sat up to collect myself and noticed a mark on my kimono. I opened the panel to find a tiny marking near my left breast. 

Lord Sesshoumaru's resting place was in my heart. 

Clasping my hands over my chest, I smiled and cried at the same time. He would be forever safe and surrounded by my love for him, and no one in this world can ever take that away. 

o 

The weeks following my Lord's funeral have been empty and painful. I can't walk into his study or his bedroom without being overwhelmed by grief. Sometimes I still forget he is gone, and rush to tell him a funny joke I heard or offer a lovely flower, only to remember halfway there. Even the sight of his chopsticks sitting in the kitchen sends me into a fit of crying. Sometimes I can not even look upon my own son without feeling inconsolable pain. 

Will this sorrow ever end? 

Soukenmaru's mewling cries drove me from my thoughts. He was not wet or hungry, which told me right away that he missed his father. For one so small he showed amazing awareness of the world around him. He remembered Lord Sesshoumaru's scent enough to know that it is either stale or missing. 

"Ohhh, shhh, shhh, your papa had to go away, Soukenmaru. I'm sorry." I cradled my son against my chest, struggling to bring him comfort. His wailing reached a level that hurt my ears. Nearly in tears myself, I hurried outside, hoping the garden scents would calm him. 

These times when he cries for his father are difficult. I get so little sleep because he will wake up at night and wail. I have tried keeping him awake during the day, leaving him alone in the room, taking him for walks, but the garden is all that works. I loathe being outside at night without Lord Sesshoumaru, it does not feel safe like it used to. 

I placed Soukenmaru's head on my shoulder and paced about in the flower patch. His squalling softened to whimpers and sighs. Quiet at last. I closed my eyes and sighed deeply. 

Motherhood is more difficult than I ever imagined. Babies, I learned, are the most demanding creatures in the world, and I can _not_ ignore mine when he cries. Nothing is predictable; there is no routine to adhere to, and this distresses me. I have no time to myself anymore. I even have to steal moments to eat a hot meal and bathe. Some days I can't even daydream. There are times where I want to hand him off to one of the maids so I can enjoy a few hours of sleep and a little relief from the ear splitting crying. But I can not, because too long away from him brings me more misery than the constant fatigue. 

My cheek itched, waking me from my thoughts. I scratched the offensive cause to discover Myouga attached to my face. 

"Goodness, he has a strong cry," said the little flea youkai. He hopped off my cheek to land on Soukenmaru's chest. "At least he's quiet now. How are you?" 

"He misses Lord Sesshoumaru," my voice cracked, "As do I...and I am very tired." 

"Mm, everyone will," said Myouga, hanging his head. "The funeral was beautiful." 

"You were there?" 

"Ahh, yes, unfortunately nobody heard me when I gave my eulogy. Pity, it was a nice one too." He looked down at Soukenmaru, who tried to look cross-eyed at him. "He looks just like Lord Sesshoumaru did as a baby...and they grow up so fast...but he'll always be your baby to you." 

I gazed down at Myouga, managing a small smile. "Really? Even when he's grown?" 

Myouga nodded vigorously. He hopped from Soukenmaru's cheek to my shoulder. "Lady Shichiyou, Lord Sesshoumaru's mother, would _still_ see him as her baby even now. It's something you'll understand when Soukenmaru grows up, Rin. Heh...oops, trouble...I better get going. G'bye!" 

The flea disappeared just as a tiny pack of cricket youkai came hopping along past my feet. I wonder what Myouga did to upset them this time. 

I ran my fingers lightly through Soukenmaru's soft baby hair. In the full moon's light it appeared like the finest spun silver. I worried that he would start to wail again, but he simply yawned, twitched his tiny white ears and gazed up at me through his beautiful, oversized amber eyes. 

As it turns out, Soukenmaru's human time is the day after a full moon. Immediately at dawn he becomes human and at dusk he returns to his hanyou form. Watching the transformation is fascinating...his moon and eyelids simply fade to flesh tone, his hair turns black and his dog ears melt down into human ears. This must be the human side my Lord spoke of when he said I needed to be there and help him understand. 

Faint whimpering brought me back to the present. I bared my breast for Soukenmaru and helped him to latch on. He gazed up at me still, his eyes shiny in the moonlight. Every time he suckled, he placed one fist against his cheek as if deep in thought. Sometimes Lord Sesshoumaru did that, but only if he was seated and could rest his cheek against his knuckles...and I could always tell when my Lord spent too much time in thought by observing the red marks under his right cheekbone. 

"My baby," I said, tasting the words like a new flavor. Then I bent and pressed my lips to the moon on his brow. 


	8. The Healing Wheel of Time

o 

_Ooh, remember when it rained_   
_I felt the ground and looked up high_   
_and called your name._   
_Ooh, remember when it rained_   
_In the water I remain_   
_Running down_... 

Josh Groban, "Remember When It Rained" 

o 

**The Last Day**   
**Epilogue**   
**"The Healing Wheel of Time."**

o 

Soft strands of silver hair fell in glistening waves across my hands. I hummed softly as I drew a brush through its endless length, careful not to scratch the two delicate dog ears extending from underneath. There were rarely tangles, only the occasional wild hairs here and there. 

It is amazing how time has gone by. Days, weeks, years, they drifted by so slowly, yet when I look back it all seems to have flown by too fast for my liking. First steps, first words, tantrums, wildness and blooming...this must be how a tree feels as it watches flowers and seedlings grow around it in the forest. The earlier years were not easy, they rarely are, but the moving and curling of time's current heals all. 

"Mama," came a soft, silky smooth voice, "if you keep brushing my hair, you will brush it off my head." 

I blinked out of my haze, "Oh, I'm sorry, Soukenmaru!" I put the brush down and settled my hands on my son's broad shoulders, "Did I scratch you?" 

Soukenmaru turned his head and flashed a quick smile. He looks just like his father now. Someone could have taken a painting of my Lord, covered up his stripes and painted dog ears atop his head, and they would have my son. 

"No." he ducked under the brush and stood up, "So, where did you daydream to this time?" 

His question made me laugh. He daydreams just as much as I do, sometimes even more. His studies took ages longer because of it...yet we persevered. 

"Just," I fluffed his parted bangs, "wondering how all these years got by us." 

"It's _only_ been twenty years, mama," said Soukenmaru. He blushed and tried to slap my hands away when I adjusted his red and white kimono - the very same kimono Lord Sesshoumaru used as his first blanket. It still had faint stains, but Soukenmaru wanted to wear it today, so I let him. 

Twenty years...they were not an easy journey. Soukenmaru has a mind much like mine, and, like me, he always had trouble behaving properly around others his own age. As a child he liked to play his way only, and if the other children did not follow his lead, he became violent. It did not take long for his playmates to cast him out of their pack. He often came running up to me, crying, because other children wouldn't play with him anymore. No one wanted to invite him anywhere because his behavior was too wild, making it impossible to leave him unsupervised. Few things outside his interests held his attention more than a moment, hence his difficult education, and none of the other children liked the same things he did. 

Inuyasha saved Soukenmaru from more fights than I can count. A day rarely passed without him walking up the path, an angry Soukenmaru under one arm and Tetsusaiga propped on the other shoulder. I thank the stars that he reconciled with Lord Sesshoumaru enough to be part of his nephew's life, because there were situations where even I could not protect him. 

Soukenmaru's struggle to fit in with a world where few shared his thinking patterns and neither demons nor humans fully accepted him was both painful and triumphant at the same time. Again, his uncle was there to help him. I'm also thankful that Lord Sesshoumaru's men are so accepting of my son. Had he been the child of anyone else, I doubt they would feel the same. 

And somewhere through it all, he grew up into the man standing before me now. I know he can handle what he is about to step into. He may behave a bit young for his age, but he is also very bright and inquisitive and sees what others miss. 

"Oof." I heaved my son's armor off its wooden form. It resembled his father's, save the shoulder guards were thick with two rows of spikes. This made it heavy and difficult to lift. I honestly know not how he can stand to wear it. "Are you nervous?" 

He clicked his claws together. "Not at all." 

I captured his twitching fingers, "Try not to fidget when you go out." And while he was distracted, I pulled the leather strings that fitted his armor to his body and clicked the breastplate in place. "This includes rocking, tapping..." I tied his purple and yellow sash in place. "...and this," I caught the rippling digits of his left hand. "Let me see your nails. I hope you did not bite them down to nothing." 

"Ma-_maaaa_," he rumbled in feigned offense. Hearing his deep voice stretch the word like that made me smile. "I have been better about that." Lifting his hands, he allowed me to examine his claws. It pleased me to see ten sharp points and not a single bite mark anywhere. 

"Good. Now, before you go..." I reached behind me for a gift wrapped in plain cloth and handed it to him. 

Accepting the gift, Soukenmaru pulled the cloth off the top. A red handle emerged. He trembled and allowed the shroud to fall all the way off. Then he held the sheathed sword up so the crimson handle and sheath caught the light. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes. "Herutsuga..." 

"Your papa wanted me to give this to you when you were ready," I clasped my hands around his, which grasped the sword so tightly that his skin was pulled taut. "and I think today is the perfect day." 

"Thank you, mama. Really." Soukenmaru came forward and embraced me in his familiar warmth. The moisture in his eyes dripped against my ear, tickling as it trickled away. "I have two swords now, just like he did," he glanced at Tenseiga in his belt, then back up at me. "I wish papa was here." 

The mention of my Lord sent a small pang through my heart. I wished he could have been there as well. "He is here, Soukenmaru. In my heart and yours. I'm sure that if he could appear and speak to you personally, he would tell you how proud he is to see you claim your birthright." 

He placed Herutsuga gently beside Tenseiga. Glittering tears made his amber eyes glisten. "I don't even know how to use Herutsuga." 

"It will come to you when the time is right." Reaching up, I cupped Soukenmaru's cheeks and wiped away his tears before they could fall again. 

Footsteps padded up the floor to the fusama. I turned just as Master Jaken poked his green head through the door, "It's time, are you two ready?" 

"Yes, just a moment." Soukenmaru pulled himself free of my hands. I moved to help him wipe the evidence of tears off his face. He shot me an indignant look and wiped his eyes himself, trying to compose his expression. "Mama, please don't baby me in front of people, it's embarrassing!" 

"All right, all right. You better go. Ah-ah!" Before he could rush past me, I tapped my cheek with one finger. My son rolled his eyes and gave me a swift little kiss, and I in turn kissed the end of his nose. 

Not more than five or ten minutes later, I stood in the great hall, watching Soukenmaru emerge from the side and lower to his knees on a red tokonoma placed in the middle of the floor. The men Lord Sesshoumaru once commanded, already present, rose to sit on their knees as well. Last to enter was the elder, his amazing hair trailing on the floor behind him. On one arm he carried my Lord's old pelt and in his free hand he held a small bowl containing one drop of blood from every demon in the castle. 

"Soukenmaru," the elder knelt before him. "Are you prepared to accept responsibility for the Western lands and all who live within its borders?" 

"I am." 

"Are you prepared to suffer and die for these lands if such is required?" 

Soukenmaru's fists clenched against his knees. "I am." 

Pride swelled in my heart with each question asked and each affirmative reply. Soukenmaru's expression remained deadly serious and he never fidgeted even once, though I knew how badly he wanted to. He never was one to sit statue still for more than a moment at a time. 

"Poison the blood," the elder's hoarse voice filtered across my thoughts. 

Extending his hand, Soukenmaru let a droplet of green poison fall from his claws to the bowl. The elder dipped his thumb into the crimson liquid and traced Soukenmaru's moon marking. I winced when it bubbled and sizzled, but, to my amazement, his skin did not burn. 

The elder lifted the bowl to Soukenmaru. "Consume the blood of your warriors." 

And when Soukenmaru drank, he did not show any displeasure for the putrid, burning taste. His eyes glowed red. He bared his bloodstained fangs to all present and emitted a throaty growl. The gesture was meant to show his dominance over everyone in the room. He looked so fierce, more demon than human. 

My heart pounded for him. I can not believe this day has come. This is the reason he was conceived in my womb and schooled so strictly. I could not control the few tears that blurred my eyesight. 

"Son of Lord Sesshoumaru and the human-born Rin, extend your right arm," said the old youkai, his tone never changing. When Soukenmaru lowered his head and stretched out his arm, the elder placed my Lord's old pelt over my son's shoulder. "I bestow the bloodline's blessing upon your shoulder." 

"I accept," said Soukenmaru. 

Wrapping it once, the elder continued. "I bestow upon you the laws and rights of the Western lands and all of its inhabitants." 

"I accept." 

He bound the fur a second, final time, "I bestow upon you the title of Western Lord." 

Soukenmaru stole a glance at me through the corner of his eye. "I accept." 

The elder stepped back, sank to his knees amidst his endless hair and bowed until his forehead touched the floor. "Rise, Lord Soukenmaru, and look upon your inheritance." 

As Soukenmaru rose to stand, his men assumed the elder's position on the floor. His eyes shone with pride and excitement as he lifted his chin like a good Lord should. That was my son standing there. _My_ son! 

Myouga was right when he said I would always see him as my baby. When I looked up at Soukenmaru, I saw him as a young man claiming his inheritance. At the same time, I saw him as a tiny, screaming newborn dangling from Lord Sesshoumaru's hands. Then I saw him as a shy little boy with large, bright eyes. I blinked and he became a man again, but I wanted badly to compact him back into an infant just so I could fit the entirety of his body in my arms. 

I woke from my thoughts to find everyone prostrated on the floor. I felt silly standing alone, so I quickly lowered myself as well. 

Around me, the soldiers spoke in unison, "We pledge our loyalty to Lord Soukenmaru. Our eyes, ears and noses are at his disposal. His orders alone are the only orders we will obey. All hail the new Lord!" 

Peeking up, I saw my slightly overwhelmed son gazing around the room. He looked lost as to what to do next. Fortunately, Master Jaken was there to remind him. 

"Psst! Give your first order!" 

A few of the men chuckled at this, but soon fell silent. 

"My first order..." I heard Soukenmaru approach and felt his billowy hakama brush against my hair. Kneeling down, he took my hand and pulled me upright. "...is that my mother need not prostrate herself before me. I may be the new Lord, but she is still my mother." 

This generated another round of chuckling. I sent Soukenmaru a small glare to remind him that this was a serious affair. He was darn right about my being his mother, however. Lord or not, was still my son. My look doused his silliness before it had the chance to spoil his entire induction ceremony. I shook my head. He had not yet learned when to use humor and when it isn't appropriate. 

Turning away, Soukenmaru drifted to the center of the room. He kept stroking the pelt on his shoulder and tilting his head to rest his cheek against its softness. "Secondly, no outsiders are allowed to see me during my human day. I will post guards outside my room. Any affairs that can wait will wait until sundown. If it can not, one of you will report the problem to me and I will send out an order through one of those guards. This rule applies to all of you, understood?" 

Mixed replies of "yes, m'lord" and nodding of heads followed. 

"You may rise." 

They did so, bowing slightly. The elder was the last to stand. He clasped both of Soukenmaru's hands in his and smiled. I can't help but wonder how many new Lords he appointed in his long lifetime. 

Soukenmaru dispatched his men to their proper posts, bowed politely towards the elder and walked over to Master Jaken and me. "I must prepare for my first patrol...Jaken, you and Ah-Un will come along." He started towards the door. The sky was cloudy, but bright when he stepped out onto the dirt path with Master Jaken at his side. 

"Soukenmaru," I said as I joined him outside. 

He sent Master Jaken to retrieve Ah-Un, then turned to me. "Yes, mama?" 

"I'm so proud of you today." I reached up and scratched him behind his ears. No matter how often he denies it, I know he likes having his ears scratched. I smiled at his embarrassed frown and said, "Be careful. I hope you'll return in time for supper. And keep an eye on the sky. It looks like rain and you don't want to be surprised by dusk. Are you warm enough?" 

"Yes, I am." Soukenmaru rolled his eyes and smiled, saying, "It smells like rain too, and yes, I will watch the time." He caught the back of my head and pressed his mouth to my cheek just as Master Jaken arrived with Ah-Un. "See you soon." 

I offered him a nod and a smile. "If you see Inuyasha, tell him I said 'hello'." Then I watched him turn and start down the path, Master Jaken on one side, Ah-Un on the other and my son in the middle. His silver hair swished just above his knees, nearly as long as Lord Sesshoumaru's. I heard him tell Master Jaken a joke that sent the little toad into a fit of laughter...and I shook my head. Hopefully, he will learn not to joke around during something more dangerous than a border patrol. 

Soukenmaru...his voice and gait were much like his father's. I could tell they shared the same kind of spirit. On the surface he seemed like everything my Lord was not. Down in his heart, he and his father are very much alike. He can easily laugh one minute and kill someone in the next. 

Killing...one thing I instilled in him is never to kill unless it is necessary. I don't ever want him to cause any unnecessary loss of life when peace could get him just as far. 

At the end of the path, he turned to wave, his slightly stained sleeve falling away to pool around his elbow. I raised my hand in reply. I did not close the door until he disappeared from sight. 

o 

Driving rain poured mercilessly from the rumbling sky. Both Soukenmaru and I sat side by side, watching the lightning while enjoying a hot supper. Neither of us spoke, but silences between us were rarely awkward. Soukenmaru's hair still dripped from his swift return through the rain. I had insisted he change out of his sopping clothes and stood by to wrap his shivering form in a dry yukata. 

"Soy sauce?" I asked, holding out the bowl. 

"No, thank you." 

We resumed eating, me finishing off my sushi and him chewing on his sashimi. 

Suddenly, quietly, Soukenmaru put his chopsticks down and rested his head on my shoulder. I wrapped my arm around him, instinctively drawing his body closer to keep him warm. Goosebumps broke out on my skin from his cold hair touching the side of my neck. 

"Are storms really earth and sky making love?" 

"That was the story your papa told me," I said, kissing the top of his head. "And I like his story better than the one my mama told me." 

"Mm." Soukenmaru fell silent, his eyes directed towards the window where lightning occasionally flashed. He wiggled his delicate fingers back and forth against his thumb, leading me to realize I was doing the same. Then he buried his nose against my shoulder and inhaled, a small smile curling his lips. He had Lord Sesshoumaru's beautiful smile...and I treasure it each time I see it. 

I worked my other arm around his shoulders and closed the space between our bodies. We sat with our sides touching, watching the rain. I could hear it pattering on the pond and across the rooftop above us. 

"Did you hold him like this?" 

"Hm?" I blinked myself out of the fog. 

"Papa," Soukenmaru whispered, "after he died..." 

Wretched pain worked its way through my heart. I closed my eyes to quell the wave, swallowed and replied, "Not quite like this, but yes, I did hold him after he stopped breathing. I didn't want him to feel me move away before his senses faded." 

Again he was quiet for a long time. Many thunderclaps later, he encircled me in his other arm, his voice creating a chord with the rain, "How long would he have lived if he didn't take his own life?" 

I sighed into Soukenmaru's hair. This was not a subject I expected for a supper time conversation. He could not have caught me more unprepared if he tried. "Maybe a year, perhaps two, much of them bedridden, in constant pain and without any dignity. Your papa never liked to feel weak or helpless." I stroked his head, "There is one thing I do know..." 

"And?" his ear twitched. 

I scratched it, grinned and said, "The moment he saw your eyes, he loved you. I saw it when he smiled...he had fallen completely in love with you." 

"Hmm, heh." My son sat up and finished his rice, leaving me with a cold shoulder where his head had been resting. I had to smile, there were worse things to get on my clothes than water. He blinked over at me, the part in his lips telling me he had something to say, but didn't know how. "Um, what about - A-CHOO!" 

Rice flew everywhere. I quickly gathered an edge of my sleeve and wiped his face clean. He pushed my hand away and rubbed his nose himself. I sighed, "We best brush your hair dry, you're catching a cold." 

"I'm fine - " he sneezed again. 

"Come along," I stood, half pulling him upright as well. "A Lord can't go around sick all the time." 

Soukenmaru rolled his eyes and hurried ahead to his room. Once inside the door, he turned and looked down at me. His lower lip was pressed flat against his upper one, turning his small mouth into a curved line. "Mama, don't you think I'm a little old to have you brushing my hair for me?" 

"Your papa was over two hundred years old and I still brushed his hair." I gave him a little pinch on the cheek to tease him. 

He chuckled and collapsed to sit on his futon. I slid behind him, grasped his sopping silver mane and slowly worked the comb through, starting at the bottom and working my way up. His hair was soft in my hands, but heavy with all the water weighing it down. 

Occasional lightning flashes illuminated the room in sparkling clarity, but the storm itself was dying away. In the thunder's final rumble, I heard the question Soukenmaru started to ask: _"Did papa love you as much as you loved him?"_

Raindrops landed on the shoji screen, making soft splat-splat sounds and running down its surface like tears. A small smile touched my lips. Even if Soukenmaru did ask the entire question, I wouldn't offer a reply. 

He already knows the answer. 


End file.
